Page 7 of Judge (Devil’s Rose MC #7)

Judge

I work my way through the emails until I have one left.

Some of them are burned into my brain and into my heart.

The first two or three start off pissed.

Then there’s the ones that are resigned that I’ll keep ignoring her forever.

They seem to fluctuate between anger and sorrow and then there’s the ones where she is struggling, and afraid.

“Leo,

I don’t know if I can do this. There’s two of them.

Two people who will need me and I don’t even remember my mom.

How can I be a good mom when I don’t have a role model?

But that’s not true, is it? I have your mom I guess.

It’s just scary to be doing this alone. I wish you were around to tell me it’s going to be OK. ”

I blink the moisture out of my eyes. It’s dated right when I left on my first deployment.

I made it through boot camp and instead of going home I went straight to deployment.

While Kaia was growing my babies I was in a sandbox in the middle of fucking nowhere, just as scared and as uncertain as she was.

I roughly rub my eyes, blinking to clear them.

If only I wasn’t a dumb fuck. If only I had a thought in my head to even check these fucking messages.

I’m all sorts of twisted up because there are so many mistakes that lead to me losing her and then not knowing I had kids out there.

Sniffing, my finger hovers over the last unread email.

Pressing it I wait for the window to open.

Leo,

I’m not too sure if you’re getting these messages or if you’re deleting them all, but I have to try. These are our babies. We have a boy and a girl. I know that I made the decision to have them, and I’m not asking you for anything.

I heard that you had joined the Marines and I know that you’ll be good at it. You’re probably too busy trying to stay alive to be worrying about some girl you went to school with.

Anyway, this is my current address or you can email me here if you want to see the twins. If I don’t hear from you, then I guess this will be my last email.

Goodbye Leo, stay safe.

Scrolling down just a little a picture materializes, of two, tiny babies, one with a green hat, and one with a purple hat.

I’ve never seen anything so fucking tiny in all my life, scrawny legs and arms, scrunched little faces.

Most new babies I’ve seen look like potatoes or screwed up fists, but the twins steal my breath away with their beauty.

“Godammit Kaia!” I growl to myself.

My gut is screwed up and my chest aches at the thought that the only thing that kept me away was shame.

Shame at the hurt I put on her face that day.

Shame that I chose to get my rocks off with someone who was used by all the boys.

Then I left it too long to apologize and the only choice I had was to run away overseas and fight other people’s battles all because I drove away my best friend with my shit decisions.

Now what will keep me away is the shame that I could have been there all along.

I could have supported Kaia through all her fears and pain.

I could have held my babies when they were tiny, helped when they were sick or hurt, been there for all their firsts and yet I was fucking around while Kaia was busting her ass to give them the world.

Growling, I scrub my hand down my face. What a fucking waste of space. How the hell am I meant to look those kids in the eye and tell them that it was my dumb ass that kept them from knowing me? Fuck!

“Yo!” Rider bangs on the door after bursting through it, “Shit, glad you weren’t rummaging in your pants over that hot little piece out there,” he throws his thumb over his shoulder and I launch off the bed, pinning him to the door with my forearm across his throat.

“The fuck you just say?”

His eyes sparkle and his grin grows wider and wider at my irritation. “Nothing brother, just came to tell you dinner is served.” He pats my chest, then runs his down it. “Wow, you’ve really been working out, big guy.” He winks and then laughs his ass off when I shove him to the ground in the hall.

“I’m not hungry.” He opens his mouth and I don’t hear the rest, the door slamming in his face.

There is no way I’m going down there and having to look in the faces of Kaia and the twins until I sort my shit out. There’s no other option.

“Yo! Get your big ass up!” I jerk, eyes flying open as I try to figure out where the fuck I am and what time it is. “Get. Your. Ass. Up!” is growled again and I use my abs to help me sit bolt upright until I’m staring at Pops and Mad Dog. Shit.

“Look kid, I get you got the shock of a fucking lifetime, but we kinda need your services.” I frown at Pops who looks irritated back.

“Son, you’ve been up here for over 24 hours. What the fuck have you been doing?” Mad Dog asks, in a slightly gentler tone.

“He was having a pity party, that’s what he was doing.

I don’t know why. Maybe because he could have had his family with him this whole time, a woman that fucking loves him and two beautiful kids and instead he traded that all for a blow job.

” Pops shakes his head, not even bothering to look in my direction.

“That true?” Mad Dog asks, staring right at me, arms crossed over his barrel chest.

“Yeah, in a nutshell.” I’m embarrassed as fuck.

“That’s a dick move, kid. I’m not sure she’ll ever give you the time of day, but she’s a sensible woman seeing as she’s moved her family here.”

“And she’s been cooking up a storm feeding the brothers,” Pops adds, eyeing me. “Your kids have been looking for you. It seems that they want to get to know you, and imagine their hurt when they find out you’d rather skip dinner than sit with them.”

“Fuck!” I feel sick with rage and disappointment at myself. Jesus. What the hell is wrong with me? “Why do I keep fucking up?” I ask myself.

“Cos you’re an idiot. And I hate to break it to ya, but you ain’t got time to dwell on that. We’ve got the sheriff that’s been messing with us and it’s show time at the Office. Meet ya there. Unless you want to let us down, too,” Pops snarks before leaving the room.

“He can be really bitchy, when he wants to be,” Mad Dog says, watching Pops retreating back.

“He has a soft spot for the women,” I answer, getting up and shoving my phone in my pocket.

“We all do, son. So, what’s your plan?” Mad Dog asks, following me down the stairs and out the door.

We walk in silence for a moment. I try not to look into Kaia’s trailer on my way past, but it’s hard not to.

It’s getting dark out and the lights from inside her place illuminate her and the kids as they sit at the dinette together, laughing over something.

It’s the perfect vignette for the family. The only thing missing is me.

Mad Dog’s massive hand comes down on my shoulder, giving it a rough shake. “You’ll get them back. If that’s what you want.”

“I don’t think she’d ever have me back. But just being able to spend time with them is more than I deserve.”

“Then, we have to make it so.” Mad Dog shrugs, walking on in front of me. “Don’t waste time. Son, you’ve already wasted enough.”

Kaia

Well, I don’t know what I was expecting after the kids told me that Judge never opened any of the emails I sent, but it sure as hell wasn’t radio silence.

I would have thought we could have spoken about it.

Perhaps apologize to each other, I mean, I know I owe him one.

If I had known that he never got the messages, then perhaps I wouldn’t have banned him from my diner.

I was convinced all this time that he was a deadbeat dad and maybe I was wrong.

Or maybe I was right because since the big reveal that he’s a father to a set of twins, and that he never got my messages, he’s been hiding.

He didn’t turn up to dinner last night and not to breakfast or lunch today either.

I would know, I’ve been helping Mama Debs in the kitchen.

I know we’re only here until the cartel stuff has been sorted, but it’s not as bad as I thought it would be.

It’s peaceful, safe for the kids to roam around, and spending time with Debs is healing my inner child.

Baking with her is like baking with my Mom.

I was only little when she died, and my dad never remarried.

I’d help him with dinner and baking for the school bake sales, but it’s not quite the same as doing it with a mother figure.

“Are you sure you don’t need us to come?” Annie-Bella breaks me out of my thoughts.

Smiling at her concerned face, I move to drop a kiss to the top of her curly head. “No baby, it’s a ladies night, remember? Besides, I trust you and Jax to make good food and movie choices. I won’t be gone long.”

“We’ll be fine,” Jax’s eyes roll. “We’re pretty much grown and I don’t ever remember you going on a girls night. So go and enjoy it, Mom.”

I drop a kiss on his sweaty, smelly teenage boy head before waving and pulling the door closed behind me.

When I confronted Lovely this morning about what I heard last night - the screams of someone in extreme pain -I thought she would gaslight me and tell me that I didn’t see or hear a thing.

I know that I’ve been thinking of these women as friends, but to find out I’d been left out of whatever they were doing to those bad men from the diner pissed me off a little.

I’ve become used to being left out of things, and I never had a lot of friends, but for some reason, that really hurt.

Not just because I wasn’t invited, but because I really wanted to hurt somebody too.

There is no way I want someone out there to be threatening my babies and I don’t get to bring them pain over it.