Page 57 of Italian Weddings

His Adam’s apple shifted as he swallowed. Ice flooded her veins.

“Obviously it’s more than sex,” he said, finally. “I’ve told you—you’re so different. So—special, cara. The other night, seeing you at the bottom of the stairs, I couldn’t?—,”

“I’m fine,” she said, wriggling even further forward, until she was close enough to press a kiss to his brow. Gently, softly, because the moment seemed to call for that.

“But you could just as easily have not been. And I did that to you.”

“You didn’t. It was an accident. As much Leo’s fault, and my own, as it was yours.”

“I should have protected you.”

“It all happened too fast.”

“You don’t understand,” he said, with one quick jerk of his head, pulling away from her a little before standing and pacing across the room. In the luxurious, open-plan kitchen, he braced his palms on the counter, staring across at her with an expression that she could best describe as haunted.

“Make me understand, then,” she implored. Because as sure as day followed night, she knew he was holding something back from her. That maybe he’d always been holding it back.

She wanted to be close to him. To reach for him and hold him, but something—a preservation instinct?—held her still, bracing on the sofa for whatever would follow.

“I’ve never wanted this,” he said, quietly, but with determination. “I’ve never wanted a relationship with a woman. Casual, easy sex has literally been the sum total of my aspirations for as long as I can remember.”

“I know that,” she said. But they were different, she wanted to argue. They were so much more than what he’d just described. Was there any point, though, in telling him that? If he didn’t see it and feel it, would she ever be able to convince him?

“But what you don’t know is why.”

His whole body was rigid, as though steel had been poured through his spine.

He was such a big man—strong and muscular, confident and authoritative—but there was something about him in that moment that made her ache for his vulnerability.

She stayed where she was, half afraid to move in case it stopped him from saying whatever was on his mind.

“I was with a girl once—a long time ago. I let it go too far. I let her think it was serious. That I wanted more. Back then, I didn’t know I didn’t want more, I just knew I didn’t love her. In some ways, I was no different to Jesse.”

She stifled a snort. There was no way Salvatore would ever treat a woman the way Jesse had her.

“I used her,” Salvatore contradicted the words she hadn’t said. “Looking back, all the signs were there that she was more into me than I was her, but I liked her company, I liked sleeping with her, and on balance, I just didn’t think about what was best for her.”

“How old were you?” Emilia pushed, gently.

“Nineteen.”

“Still just learning, Salvatore.”

“It doesn’t change the effect my choices had on her. Melania was devastated when I ended it, yet I walked away without a backwards glance. I’d moved on. Easy enough to do when your feelings aren’t involved.”

Sympathy twisted inside Emilia for the unknown Melania.

She understood completely how hard it would be to get over Salvatore.

A huge part of her hoped she’d never have to, but her inner-realist was starting to understand that there was a reason Salvatore had been such a playboy.

It was entirely possible he’d never commit to a woman.

“You were so young,” she reminded him. “I’m sure it hurt, at the time, but that’s part of growing up. Getting your heart broken, learning from the experience?—,”

“She tried to kill herself, Emilia.” His voice was hollowed out, so she knew that he still felt the trauma of that, deep in his soul.

She gasped, no longer able to stay on the sofa. She pushed up and crossed the room quickly, wrapping her arms around him from behind and pressing her cheek to his back. “That’s not your fault.”

His laugh was a short sound, totally devoid of any mirth. “She left a note blaming me.”

Emilia closed her eyes, as sympathy turned to something else—anger. “You had every right to break up with her.”

“I handled it badly. I was in the wrong, and if it hadn’t been for a family member going to her house unexpectedly and finding the pill bottle beside the bed, she would have succeeded. I almost killed her.”

“I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m sorry she wanted more than you could give. But you cannot carry that guilt around your whole life.”

“It’s not guilt, cara. Not anymore. It’s determination. I made many stupid mistakes in my relationship with Melania—mistakes I have never—and will never—repeat.”

Something stitched inside Emilia as a hint of comprehension began to form. “That’s why you sleep around.”

“It’s why I don’t get involved,” he amended slightly, spinning then in the circle of her arms to face her properly.

His bruised face was so earnest, so full of concentration.

Like it was the most important thing in his life to get her to understand.

“I will never risk hurting a woman like that again. I cannot live my life knowing that I’m the cause of that sort of pain. ”

“But Salvatore—pain is part of life. We all hurt each other, in one way or another.”

“I can’t hurt you.”

She closed her eyes, frustration butting heads with futility. “You won’t.”

“Of course I will. I’m only angry I didn’t comprehend that from the beginning. What possible good outcome is there, here, Emilia? If we stay together, you will lose your family—I cannot permit that to happen. It is not a choice you should have to make.”

“If I lose my family, it will be because of their choices, not yours.”

“And I will always know that you are unhappy.”

“I would?—,”

He shook his head, lifting a finger to her lips.

“You say that now. But, in time, you would miss them in an unbearable way. I have heard you speak about them, I have seen the love and respect you feel for them. Every time you mention your brothers or your parents, your whole face lights up. I will never be the reason you do not have them in your life.”

“ You wouldn’t be,” she insisted. “In choosing to love you, I’m doing what’s best for me. If my family can’t understand that, then that’s their decision. I wouldn’t blame you.”

“And what next?” He pushed, like a dog with a bone, evidently determined to have her understand his concerns. “How long does this last? Another month? Six? A year? Can you honestly say that the longer we’re together will make it easier to separate?”

She frowned, truly confused by how much he wasn’t following her. “Who says we have to separate at all?”

He expelled a rough breath. “My past history.”

“You’ve just explained why you made those choices—but this is different. I’m different.”

“Yes.”

“So why isn’t it reasonable to assume the outcome will be, too?”

He cupped her face then, holding her steady. “I can’t hurt you.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“I don’t trust myself not to hurt you,” he amended.

“That’s stupid.” Anger made the words erupt harshly.

“You’re a great person, Salvatore. A wonderful man.

And I’m a grown woman, just like you said.

If you hurt me, I’ll tell you, and you’ll fix it.

If I hurt you, you’ll tell me, and I’ll fix it.

That’s the way relationships work.” She lifted up onto the tips of her toes to kiss his lips.

“It’s a leap of faith for both of us. But can you really think of someone else you’d want to take that leap with?

Can you really imagine a world where we don’t?

” His eyes stayed locked to hers, so the hope that had started as a small flicker in her heart exploded into a proper fire.

“Do you actually want me to leave here, now, and never come back?”

She could see the fight in his mind. She could see in the way his eyes shadowed and his jaw tightened that he was literally at war with himself.

It was a knife’s edge moment—an almost out of body experience, because Emilia was aware she was standing on the precipice of something.

Either way, she’d tumble over and into the rest of her life.

It was just a question of whether Salvatore would be there or not.

“I don’t want you to go,” he said, finally, slowly, closing his eyes on a wave of surrender.

Not happily, though. She could tell how angry he was with himself for admitting that.

“But I can’t make you any promises beyond that.

Just…stay tonight, Emilia. Stay tonight because we both want that. We’ll talk more in the morning.”