Page 12 of Into the Deep Blue

Dad comes into the kitchen dressed for work and peeks at the frozen pizza bubbling inside the oven. I’m sitting on the counter, compulsively checking my phone like I’ve been doing all week.

I haven’t heard from Nick in five days. The worst part is picking up my phone every two minutes and seeing my “love you”

text staring back at me. I could delete it, but it will still be on his end, so what’s the point?

It hasn’t been that long. But post love-you text is paranoid, because we’ve never gone this long without texting. Is he being weird, or am I?

Jaden’s party is tonight, and I don’t even know if he’s still coming. I can’t take a second more of this torture, so I cave and text him.

Hey

“I think it’s ready.”

Dad slides the pizza out and drops it on top of the stove, eyeing me.

“You know phones make sounds when texts come in.”

I force myself to drop my phone on the counter.

“Good one.”

“Cut me a slice for the road?”

I scoot down from the counter and scorch my fingers as I snip through the gooey mess. I doctored the pizza with extra cheese and olives: my special creation. A quarter of the pie breaks free.

Dad tears off a piece of paper towel, and I drop the slice on top. Then he steals some of the olives from another piece to put on his. He catches me checking my phone—again.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. I’m going to a party tonight. Just waiting for the details.”

“A party?”

He takes a bite of the slice but can barely chew it because it must be a thousand degrees.

“With May. It’s a work thing. It’s nothing,”

I mumble, trying to sound like I don’t care.

“It’s never nothing if May’s going to be there.”

Dad’s all too familiar with May’s drama. She’ll share it with anyone who will listen.

“Call if you need me to pick you up.”

“Dad, you’re working.”

“So call 911, and they’ll dispatch me.”

I roll my eyes.

“I’m not drinking.”

He kisses me on the forehead and wipes the pizza grease on his pants.

“Didn’t ask.”

Dad says this all the time, as if he’s cool for not asking when the reality is he doesn’t need to. My responsibility is always a safe bet.

He opens the freezer, pulls out one of the banana muffins he baked last week and heads for the door with the rest of his pizza.

“See ya,”

I call out.

The door closes. The empty kitchen is so quiet I can hear the clock ticking. Mom’s camera is still in the box on the counter, and Nick hasn’t answered me. My Jenga tower of a life grows taller by the day. Avoidance is all around me.

My phone vibrates.

Nick: Yo

Finally. It took him long enough. I text him back four times in a row.

You

still

coming

tonight?

Yes, it’s lame, but the love-you text had to go.

Nick: Of course—if you still want me to

Why is this so awkward? I’m hyper-aware of my words.

Me: Yeah! Pick you up in an hour?

Nick: Text me the address

I’ll Uber and save you the drive

Me: Cool

Since when does he turn down a ride? Usually, I’d say Stop, I’ll pick you up, but post love you that might be coming on too strong. Post love-you texting sucks.

All of my hard work doctoring this pizza only made it taste ten percent less like cardboard. I eat it, leaning over the counter, and send him Jaden’s address.

449 Chalmers Street

Meet you at 9?

He thumbs up my text box, and I hate that.

The party starts in an hour.

I swap my sweats for jeans and slip on one of my nicer black T-shirts. My hair is a mess of tangles, and brushing it only makes it hang lifeless around my face, so I rope it into a high ponytail, hoping it makes me seem pulled together.

It rained this afternoon, and the air still holds that thick kind of moisture that makes you feel sweaty just walking through it. It’s that weird temperature where it’s warm and cool at the same time, so I toss a sweater in my car, just in case. It’s a bit early to leave, but I don’t want Nick to get there before me.

Jaden shares a bungalow in an older part of town with two college juniors. They have parties most weekends, so this is hardly a special event. I don’t ever go, and thankfully he stopped inviting me, but he was extra pushy about the invite for this one. He’s definitely hoping for another shot with May.

The house is easy to spot. Cars line the street, and the front yard is scattered with people holding Solo cups. I find a place to park three blocks away and walk back.

On my way down the sidewalk, I see Nick.

He’s standing at the base of the driveway, his hands buried in his jean pockets. He’s wearing a navy T-shirt, and his hair’s wet like he just showered. The last time I saw him, he was covered in blood and barf, so this is a one-eighty. He spots me and waves, walking over to meet me. Faint bruises still hang under his eyes from the accident.

“Hey! That’s looking better.”

I instinctively raise my hand to touch him, but catch myself and lower it.

“Yeah. It’s getting there.”

He tilts his head, studying my ponytail, which I’m now regretting.

It’s strange being here with him, doing something apparently normal people do. I kick at the dirt on the sidewalk like a grade schooler.

“You ready for the time of your life?”

“Yes.”

He smiles.

“When does that occur?”

I shrug.

“No idea. Definitely not here, though.”

We weave through the crowd and head up the worn wooden stairs to the front door, opening nonstop from people going in and out. The house is dim inside and reeks of weed. The rooms are aglow in different colors—the living room, purple, while aqua blue shines from the hall. Music pulsates from every direction. At least I won’t have to worry about talking.

“Fi!”

May calls out from the middle of the living room.

Nick is following so closely behind me that he walks straight into me when I stop. He grips my shoulders and my whole body tenses. He leans close, his mouth next to my ear.

“Sorry,” he says.

My heart flip-flops. I’m so glad I’m not facing him.

May’s the center of attention, wearing a cropped halter top and a long pink pleated skirt. Her curled hair falls in beachy waves around her shoulders. Who curls their hair for a house party? She hurries over excitedly with a wine spritzer in her hand, and by the time she crosses the room, she has two, effortlessly sliding one into Nick’s hand.

“You must be Nick,”

she yells, leaning in close to his ear.

“Nick. May,”

I say as I wave my hand between them in a lazy introduction.

“Nice to meet you,”

Nick says as May rakes her eyes over him.

“You too! I can’t believe it’s taken this long. I’ve heard so much about you. So you guys met at that place—the grief thing, right?”

“Yeah, the grief thing.”

Nick’s radio voice takes over, answering like this is a red-carpet interview, and he’s used to answering stupid questions.

“Cool. So, what happened to your mom?”

May yells.

She yells it.

Blood drains from my face. I open my mouth, but I’m speechless. Did she really ask that in a crowded room of people partying while Cardi B blares from the speakers? She’s even dancing in blissful oblivion while she waits for an answer.

But Nick doesn’t break a sweat, he’s smirking.

“I’m sorry, what?”

he asks, as if she’ll hear how awful it sounds if she has to repeat it.

Which is not happening. “May!”

I try to convey my massive disappointment through my bulging eyes.

“You met him ten seconds ago!”

She’s instantly defensive.

“What? I thought you guys talked about that stuff all the time?”

“We’re at a party!”

Nick is still figuring out how to play this. Classic Nick would say Fuck you, and walk away. And the words are there, in his eyes, but he holds them back, his wheels turning.

“It’s okay. I’m surprised you don’t know. I mean, you two are close, right?”

Now May sets her sights on me like I’ve been holding out on some scandalous secret.

“Are you kidding? Fi’s my best friend. It just never came up.”

And it never will. I guard his loss like it’s my own. Now he knows. He faces me, new solidarity in his eyes.

“I don’t like to talk about it, but she was eaten by a tiger.”

May leans back, her mouth falling open. She’s not buying it and gives him a squinty-eyed stare.

“Oh, come on.”

All I can do is buckle up for the ride because once he starts down this path, there’s no stopping him.

“It’s true. It was an albino tiger. They’re almost extinct, which is why she went to see them. The tigers.”

May darts her eyes between us. Considering she’s the queen of crazy stories, this must be a huge turn-on for her.

“Is he for real?”

she asks me.

I nod, keeping a straight face.

“For real?”

she repeats to Nick.

He nods solemnly.

Nick has several versions of his mom’s death, always at the ready, depending on who asks. He uses them like armor. The tiger story gets the best reactions. In another version, it was a scuba diving accident, and when he really doesn’t want to talk about it, he goes with a car accident. There’s zero interest in car accidents. He sells them all like a pro.

“Shit! That’s . . . that’s crazy!”

She gasps.

“You know that actually happened to my grandma’s brother.”

Of course, it did. Nick catches my eye. He raises an eyebrow.

“They were camping overseas. They went for a hike and walked right into a Siberian. It like jumped out of the bushes and grabbed him. Then a ranger came by and shot it, but I mean fucking tigers, right?”

Her hand lands on his shoulder. I zero in on it.

Body contact.

“Fucking tigers,”

Nick says with a smile.

They clink their bottles together in a toast.

“So, why don’t you ever come out with us?”

May asks, dodging a fresh wave of people spilling into the living room.

“Never been asked,”

Nick says, directing his answer to me.

“That’s not true,” I say.

“It’s factually true. Anyway, I live kind of far out, and it’s a pain in the ass coming into town.”

“You don’t drive?”

Here we go. He’s about to lose some cool points.

“Not at the moment.”

“How’d you get here then?”

May genuinely doesn’t understand how anyone can get by without a car.

“Uber’d.”

“Oh, cool.”

The conversation volleys between them, and I feel like a referee, trying to figure out where Nick’s responses will land him in May’s rankings.

May touches his arm when she laughs. She’s flirting like her life depends on it. The gap in our circle is closing, and I’m becoming the odd one out, the third wheel. My brain short circuits. Who is he right now? This confident, composed, borderline flirtatious guy beside me. Is this the real Nick, or is May that irresistible to every guy alive?

Or maybe he’s just being nice, and I’m completely paranoid.

“So, what do you do? You’re done with high school, too, right?”

she asks him.

“Yeah. I work for my dad’s landscaping company.”

“Can we maybe lay off the twenty questions?”

I interrupt.

May flicks her hair away from her neck. Again.

“How else am I supposed to get to know him? Hey, you should come to USC with us so we can all hang out next year.”

Nick’s smile fades. He turns to me.

“I thought we were set on New York for school?”

Now May’s looking at me.

“New York? Since when? You didn’t tell me that.”

This. This is why I don’t mix boxes. I haven’t told May about New York, because I’ll never hear the end of it. I shrug so hard my shoulders go up to my ears.

“I don’t know. I’m still deciding.”

I lie. I’m definitely going to New York.

“That should only take about a hundred years,”

May says, taking a drink from her bottle.

Nick narrows his eyes at her.

“So, then it takes a hundred years.”

I blink at him in surprise. May steps back and raises her hands as if to say chill, and I never thought I’d be so relieved to see Jaden bound across the room. He grabs May from behind and lifts her into the air.

“Hey, May-fair lady.”

“Put me down.”

She swings her arms, trying to break free from his death grip.

Jaden lets her go, raising his hand high to Nick, confidently bro-fiving him.

“What’s up?”

May loops her arm through Nick’s before he can answer.

“I’m stealing you. Give me a chance to apologize,”

she says, pulling him away.

“And I want to show him the wading pool,”

she calls out to me over her shoulder.

It happens too fast to stop her, and now I’m stuck here with Jaden. He seems as thrilled about it as I am.

We watch them fade from our view. Jaden eyes Nick as if he’s competition, which is ridiculous.

“That a friend of yours?”

“Yeah, but you don’t have anything to worry about.”

I dismissively wave toward their path.

“Nothing’s happening there.”

He reaches for a beer from a bucket of ice on the console table behind me.

“You sure about that?”

And suddenly, I’m not. My pulse quickens.

“Pretty sure.”

“I’m not trying to stir shit up. I was just hoping she might give me another shot tonight, and you know how she gets when she wants something,”

he says, cracking open the can.

It’s true, May can be relentless, but I saw the way she was staring after Jaden last week.

“I don’t know. I think you two will work things out.”

“Really?”

I nod, and he brightens, unable to keep the smile from his face. He gazes out at the crowd in a daze as if he’s playing out the rest of their summer together in his mind.

“Want something to eat?”

he asks, as if suddenly remembering I’m still there.

“Or a drink? There’s Jell-O shots in the kitchen, best of both worlds.”

I can’t help myself.

“Yeah. They’re almost as good as meatloaf.”

Jaden bobs his head absentmindedly until it hits him. He slowly turns toward me, realization in his eyes.

The front door bursts open, and two guys in letterman jackets bound through, calling out to him. I push back into the crowd, trying to cover my laugh with my hand and head for the nearly empty kitchen. The fridge is jam-packed with beer and wine coolers, so nothing for me. I pass on the picked over bowls of chips and decide to check the backyard for May and Nick.

A fire pit rages at the far end, and the air is rich with the strong scent of woodsmoke. It’s almost peaceful out here. A small inflatable kiddie pool rests on the grass, but I don’t think it’s filled with water because people keep dunking their plastic cups into it. So that’s the wading pool she was dying to show him.

A few girls I know from school are standing around it and spot me on the lawn. They wander over, surprised to see me, and it takes forever to cycle through the hugs. They act like nothing sad ever happened to me, and it’s a role I’m so used to playing, I almost believe it, too. They catch me up on the latest gossip, and when I ask if they’ve seen May, they point toward the side gate with a warning t.

“Hurry before she disappears into a room with the hot guy.”

They laugh, and I laugh with them.

I make my way to the front yard. The crowd is borderline out of control, but I still can’t see Nick or May.

A sea of people are having fun here, and it feels like I’m in another dimension—this kind of fun so far out of reach. Some girls are laughing, running circles around me, holding sparklers. It’s almost as if they’re laughing at me.

Why is it so hard for you to be happy, ?

When I turn around, Jaden’s front window becomes its own kind of picture. Nick is standing in the middle of a group, May beside him, and they’re laughing hysterically over whatever animated story he’s telling. It’s like he doesn’t even notice I’m gone.

Like he doesn’t even care.

I pull my phone from my pocket and text him.

I’m leaving

This was a huge mistake. My Jenga tower might have been growing taller, but at least it was stable. Why did I have to move the pieces?

I watch them for a minute. They make it seem so easy, which means I’m the anomaly. I’m the girl who doesn’t know how to be happy.

Two minutes is all I’ll give him. But when they pass, I give him one more.

Then I leave.