Page 107 of Inez

Terra stands up, facing away, grabs her admittedly rather large bottom, and gives it a good shaking. "Tighten up this Jell-O."

Annika cackles. "I can do that. You won't like it, but I can do it. The real question is how Saxon will feel about it."

"Saxy-baby?" Terra calls, glancing over her shoulder.

"Yo!"

"How'd you feel if Annika helped me tighten up my giant, flabby ass?"

"FUCK NO!" Saxon shouts back. "Don't ruin the magic!"

Terra laughs. “See?."

"Saxon!" Annika calls.

"Annika?"

"What if it's notsmaller, justtighter?"

"Acceptable!"

Terra flings her arms out, palms up, and then slaps them against her thighs. "Dammmit. Saxon, you suck! You were supposed to get me out of my end of the wager."

He crosses the room to the female side, steps up, onto, and over the couch without breaking stride, and presses up against Terra from behind. "Terra, babe, I was just fuckin' with you, you know that, right? You are fuckin'everythingto me, exactly as you are. You wanna work out with Anni, get your ass all tight? Great, baby. Love it. You don't? Perfect."

Terra sighs, turning in his arms. "I know, I know. I just lost a bet and now I have to let Annika kick my ass in the gym."

"What bet?" Saxon asks.

She gives a cutesy, aw-shucks shrug. "Um, well, when I pulled you into our room, you were supposed to stop me before you blew your load so we could screw, but I sorta got carried away."

“That doesn't explain anything, babe."

She pushes him back toward the guy side. "Don't worry about it. Go back to the boys so we can keep having girl talk." She sits back down and turns to me. "Look, Soph. There's no right or wrong to any of this. My journey is mine, yours is yours. Life experience is subjective. If going down on Lorenzo is hard for you, don't do it. I like it. I enjoy doing it. I like how he is when I've got him right on the edge, you know? All gooey-brained and stupid. But that may not be you. And that's fine."

I shake my head, smirking. "I did it. I went down on him. And…I…" I drop my voice. "I liked it. Like you said. I was scared to start it, scared I’d have a flashback or something. I knew Ren wouldn't be like Rafa was, but the fear doesn't know that."

"No," Terra agrees. "It sure the fuck does not." She grins at me. "So, you liked it."

I bite my lip, nodding, not quite hiding an embarrassed grin. "I did. Like you said, it was…I…I really got into it, way more thanI was expecting to. Obviously, you don't get any, like, physical pleasure out of it, but with Ren, it didn't hurt. I didn't feel degraded. I felt powerful. I felt…in control."

"Knowing you have agency and control during sex is a big-ass mothafuckin’ imperative," Terra says.

"God, yes," Scarlett agrees. "But, also, speaking as a strong woman with a big personality and a need for control, there's something to be said for trusting and loving your partner enough to be able to give up that control and surrender to him. To just…let go, not be in control,at all. It's scary as fuck at first, especially for women like us, Sophia. I don't even like being a passenger in a car because I'm not in control."

"ThatI understand," I say. "For me, my struggle has not been with trusting Ren, but trusting myself and overcoming my fear. It's one of those strange things, you know? I spent years projecting this image of being a tough, frightening, powerful authority figure with no vulnerabilities. But really, inside, I was scared and lonely and hurting. Trusting Ren to not hurt me wasn't the problem. Letting go of the image of myself as indestructible and impervious was the problem. Admitting my fears to myself, facing my fear of Rafael and the things he did to me and the things my father did to me, that was the problem. Trusting my own body to not respond badly to Ren touching me and such was hard. But once I did, once I let Ren touch me, I discovered that he understood my fears and was patient enough to help me overcome them." I laugh, somewhat bitterly. "Even now, it's rather difficult to admit to you girls that I was afraid."

"Ofcourseyou were afraid," Anjalee says. "I think you would have to be a sociopath or some such thing if you were not afraid of intimacy, after what you have endured."

I sniffle, nodding. "To be even more honest, I was concerned that I was, in fact, sociopathic. How could I have killed all those innocent people, if I was not? I cannot ever forgive myself forthat. I will not." Holding my breath, I lift the back of my shirt to show them the tattoo, which so far only the artist and Lorenzo have seen.

Soft, cool hands pull my shirt down. "Sophia," Naomi's voice says, whispering softly in my ear, full of compassion. "Youmustforgive yourself for that, for everything. Nothing devours joy so swiftly as guilt, deserved or not."

"Itisdeserved, Naomi."

"Perhaps," she agrees. "But who can judge you? Not us. Not Lorenzo. Not the other Arrows."

"If there is a God, surely he judges me for it," I whisper.