Page 62

K IDAN TORE HER ROOM APART, SEARCHING FOR THE PORTRAIT BEHIND her vanity. It wasn’t there, of course, and neither was Ramyn’s scarf. Her drawers were left in a mess, clothes spilling out and spreading all over the floor. Mama Anoet’s butterfly bracelet fell out. She lifted it onto her palm gently and cracked open the creature to find the pill inside.

Holding it now was a relief, her old purpose grounding her.

“What’s wrong?” Susenyos was by the door.

Kidan hid the bracelet quickly and stood to face him. “Did you take the portrait from my room?”

Her voice grated with desperation, eager to name Susenyos as culprit and have this mania end.

“Are you the one threatening us?” she continued.

“Us?”

“Slen and now Yusef.” Kidan paced the small space, wringing her fingers. “Ramyn’s scarf is gone too.”

Susenyos must have taken pity on her, because he said, “Who was present for Slen’s and Yusef’s crimes?”

Kidan blinked, stunned that in her terror she’d missed an obvious clue.

Titus Levigne. He’d killed Ramyn, and after Yusef murdered Rufeal, Slen had him clean the body up. She’d dismissed him because he was dead. But dead didn’t mean he couldn’t have reached the living. Had he told someone? Of course. He must have.

Kidan threw her golden bedside lamp against the wall, shattering it.

“That was from Morocco. A lovely elderly woman gave it to me.” Susenyos stared wistfully. “I very much liked it.”

“It’s the 13th or the Nefrasi again.” Kidan continued pacing. “What the hell do they want with us?”

“Your attention, I presume. To scare you.”

She gripped her vanity chair and tried to calm her breathing. She stared at a point on the floor, drawing the shapes she’d grown attached to.

“But that’s not what’s got you ruining my treasures, is it?”

After a long moment, she spoke, voice scratching. “Slen and Yusef think I’m doing this. Why did I keep that portrait?”

“Should I tell you the answer?”

She glared at his condescending tone. “No.”

He smiled. “It’s quite obvious, little bird. You wanted a reminder of their wrongness so you could tolerate your own.”

He left his position and threw a longing look at the shattered pieces.

“Of course, you still think them perfect. Little did you know you acquired them broken.”

“They’re not monsters.” Her jaw hardened, although her voice shook. “They were victims, confused, and had no other choice—”

“You were a victim, confused, had no other choice.” His voice echoed back, full of intent.

Her heart pumped painfully at the words. Kidan had been a victim. Even though she’d never allowed herself to claim it. Victims deserved compassion and understanding. Assailants were discarded, severed like infection from the flesh of the world. Her rib cage expanded as uncontrollable tears pricked her eyes. What was wrong with her? Why was she always crying now?

Startled by her reaction, Susenyos reached forward, tracing the tracks on her cheek. His swift change to tenderness made her spine tremble. His thumb tried to wipe the tears, but she turned her chin from him. It was too much. The shadow of his hand hovered, then fell slowly.

“They’ve done unspeakable things, yet you care for them,” he continued, calm as soft rain. “Forgive them and forgive yourself.”

She couldn’t bring herself to look up. “I know you told Yusef about Rufeal and the 13th. Led him…”

“To kill. Yes.”

She jerked up, eyes blown wide. “Why?”

He regarded her for a long time, coal eyes swirling. “To teach you.”

I can teach you a thousand different ways of loving yourself .

He had led Yusef to kill… for her. Horror choked her words.

“What are you talking about?”

“To show you that if you love them as they are, for their natural wickedness, you can love yourself for yours.”

“What I did and what they did are not the same. They will never be the same. I killed the only mother I ever had.” Her voice broke, almost gutted from somewhere deep in her soul, and it would leave a scar.

He didn’t waver, refused to let her win. “To protect, Kidan. You kill to protect. You even think removing yourself from this world will protect everyone. Your death will not end the violence of this earth. It will only hurt those that care about you.”

Kidan shook her head wildly. Unable to speak. But something in his black eyes lulled her to calm down, understand. She was reflected in his gaze, not as she was but perhaps as she could become. In those dark pupils, her form was edged with eternal flames like a goddess of death.

He stepped closer and threaded long fingers through her braids, his head bowing. Kidan tensed when he grazed her ear. His touch both quieted her nerves and sparked them with electricity. She bunched her fists, stopping herself from seizing his shirt.

“The world loves to punish girls who dream in the dark. I plan to worship them.”

The words poured into her like forbidden water, making her shiver. The shackled beast inside her hummed back traitorously.

Her heart seized. She relied on her finger to tap out a symbol against her thigh, but it hovered, stuck. Every time she pushed it forward, it froze. There was no symbol to describe exactly what he made her feel. He must have sensed her hestitation, because his gaze flicked to her straining fingers. Gently, he took them, relaxing the stiffness.

He brought them to his soft mouth. Kidan watched. The shadows of her room shifted, cloaking him as part of the unrelenting darkness. After all the things she had done to him, he kept coming back. She’d shown him no good part of her, no forgiving part of her. Yet he bore her hatred, her onslaughts, her anger, her cruelty. Perhaps he was the only one in this world who could survive those parts of her and always… stay.

For a moment, while under his lips, her fingers knew what to do. They stretched toward his cheek, almost tender, feeling the smooth skin. Surprise lit small in his eyes, but he didn’t pull away. She marked him with her last finger, drawing a new shape under his jaw. A loop with three cutting lines. It made her brows furrow. She’d never seen this symbol yet knew it somehow. Perhaps from a dream.

A slam from somewhere in the house made her jump back. She rested a hand on her chest, pulse skyrocketing. He moved to lean against her windowsill, an amused lilt to his lips. Moonlight cast silver on his near-obsidian skin. She tried not to notice how his arms corded with muscle as he crossed them, or how the fabric of his shirt drifted and exposed his dark stomach. They’d felt deliciously strong under her palms in that lounge. Her throat became dry and her room filled with the smell of… eucalyptus and rose oil. A curl of steam coiled along her neck, making her so incredibly hot that she had the urge to take off her clothes. Maybe his clothes.

She swallowed thickly. Frowned a little. She hadn’t enjoyed him enough during Cossia Day. A day of dizzying freedom she couldn’t help but miss.

“You’re staring, little bird.”

Kidan’s cheeks caught fire and she forced her gaze away.

His laughter rumbled low in his throat. “You seem tense. I can help you relax if you’d like. All you have to do is ask.”

God.

“Perhaps a bath?” he continued, lips trying not to tug upward. “Eucalyptus and rose oil?”

She jerked her head up, horrified and furious. “What did you say?”

The illusion of the steam thickened, and he wove his fingers through it, curious eyes fixed on her. “Interesting. It appears that pain in the observatory isn’t the only thing we can share in this house.”

She knew the house heightened emotions, tortured her with memories of Mama Anoet and June. But this? Exposing her thoughts about him? This was just mortifying.

She willed her mind to focus. To think of the portrait and scarf. The steam cleared gradually, then all at once disappeared.

He arched a brow.

“If you want to help, tell me how to make Slen and Yusef understand,” she said seriously.

He sighed, but spoke nonetheless. “I had a friend once, much like your little group. We met in our childhood—a loudmouthed servant and a prince. You can infer who was who. He insulted me, can’t quite remember what it was, and I wanted him flogged. But far more than that, I wanted him to serve me whenever I pleased.”

“Lovely to hear you were a bastard from a young age.”

His lips stretched. “No, what was lovely was how he fed me fruit, clothed me, and sang for me all while carrying hatred in his eyes.”

“Didn’t you say you were friends?”

“Patience. All great friends start off as adversaries. On my fifteenth birthday, raiders attacked the outskirts of the town I’d been given to govern. They killed his sister and destroyed my image before my father, and for the very first time, we were of the same mind. I bestowed upon him regal armor, and we went after the raiders in a mad pursuit. We found them, of course, and massacred them. There’s nothing like being human and killing something more powerful and ancient than yourself.”

A shudder climbed up her spine.

“Feasting on violence made us friends. To this day, no one has understood my bloodthirst quite like him. First as human boys, then as young dranaic men.”

Of course. If the boy was his servant, he was in his court, and Susenyos had forced all of them to become vampires.

“If he was turned too, where is your destructive other half now?” she asked.

He wore an emotion she couldn’t read. Nostalgia, perhaps.

“We parted over a broken promise. I chose this house, your family.”

“My family is dead.” She didn’t mean it to sound crude, but it was. “You have nothing left to stay here for. You asked in your rule that I never ask you to leave this place. There’s something else you’re staying here for. Something you don’t want to tell me.”

He gave her a slow, pleased smile. “He would have liked you. Same distrusting nature. To answer your first question about making Slen and Yusef understand, get rid of your friends. You’ve already used them for their value, but now they’re limiting you. They’ll eventually become brokenhearted and sour. Fed with your secrets, they’ll become the deadliest of enemies.”

It sounded like he spoke from experience. Always sharing pieces of his story but never enough.

She shook her head. “That day you stopped me from seeing what happened to your court. You were being tortured. It was awful.… Who did that to you? Did they escape?”

His expression darkened, crossed arms tightening. The shift of his mood came both slowly and all at once, but she didn’t budge. He’d said her family found him on the run.

“Tell me,” she insisted, stepping closer. “What are you running from?”

His shoulders straightened. “Nothing.”

“Fine.” Her eyes fell to the floor. “I think I know, anyway.”

“What do you know?”

“GK said Iniko was forced to abandon those she loved, following orders. She calls you her leader and only follows your command. You abandoned your court, didn’t you? That’s how you escaped whatever it was that trapped you.”

Susenyos turned to the window, rubbing his jaw. “What if I did? Do you only want to judge me further?”

“I’m not judging.”

He looked back and shook his head at whatever he saw on her face. “Your eyes say different.”

Kidan bit the inside of her cheek. She didn’t want to be right. He’d made his court immortals because he couldn’t bear losing them. Then he left them to come and hide in an impenetrable place?

“What?” he said suddenly, making her startle. “Don’t fall quiet now. You always have plenty to say.”

“What do you want me to say?” Her eyes blazed. “I’d never abandon my friends.”

“No, you’d rather die for them. Do you think that absolves you?” His tone was scalding. “Let me ask you something. What is true absolution? Living with what you’ve done, feeling the pain of your victims on your knees in a cold room, or ending yourself so you can escape your mistakes?”

“I…”

He bled so raw, more vulnerable than ever. They both knew he hadn’t meant to share this much.

She swam in the blackness of his eyes, rippling in so many secrets.

“You’re punishing yourself too, aren’t you?” she whispered. “You regret what you did to them.”

He froze like he’d been struck. “I don’t need to punish myself. I’ve done nothing wrong.”

Clipped tone and words that told her the exact opposite. She stepped closer, and he sucked in a cautious breath. “Years, Susenyos. You’ve spent years trying to conquer your pain and master this house. You keep failing because you’re punishing yourself.”

His jaw moved like he was facing Titus again, touching the hidden nail on the roof of his mouth.

“I didn’t see it until now.” Her voice threaded carefully. “But it’s all over this house. That key you always wear around your neck, the artifacts you visit and piece together each day, the observatory where you fight them off. You miss them, Yos, and it’s killing you.”

A slight crease formed between his brows. She was close. Closer than ever to whatever he hid from her.

“If they’re alive and well, why won’t you go to them?”

Susenyos’s muscles shifted in his shoulders, fists clenching and unclenching. She tensed, preparing for his outburst.

“Look what she did to you.” His soft tone tore at her. “Look what family did to you, yet you ask me to go searching for them.”

Kidan’s shield vanished like a lamp caught in the wind.

“The more you grow your circle, the wider the areas the weapons come from,” he whispered. “Trust me, Kidan. I’ve felt their attacks. You don’t want such a thing.”

When she said nothing, he studied the floor with a look of loss, then left. She threw herself on the bed and shut her eyes. The pressure behind them was building to a staggering amount. His words made her shiver. The idea of living alone for years… She couldn’t bear it. Never again. Slen’s and Yusef’s faces flashed before her. Distant and accusing.

She reached into her pocket and put on the bracelet. The pressure eased and faded. She chose the length of her life, and if she still wanted, there was a way out. She reached for her earbuds and escaped into June’s videos. But she didn’t hear the bubbly tone of June’s stories; instead the dark one answered.

Kill all evil. Kill them all.

Kidan yanked the earbuds free and threw them across the room. She curled in on herself and rocked. When would this end?