Page 18

CHAPTER 18

LEXI

“ M ommy, Mom! Daddy!” Callie bursts into my room, and the door bangs into the wall.

I sit up with a start, the hairs on my arms standing on end, a wave of goose bumps covering my skin. Callie stops short when she reaches my bed. Her lips pull down in a frown, and she hugs her stuffed axolotl to her chest.

“Did you have a dream?” It wouldn’t be the first time.

She nods, and her chin wobbles. “It felt so real. I thought it was.”

“I’m so sorry.” I open my arms. Callie clambers up onto the bed and into my lap, her mournful wails making my chest ache. I stroke her hair while I rock her. Mom used to do it for her when she was little.

“I just want them back. That’s all I wanted for Christmas. I wrote a letter to Santa and everything.” She hiccups and sobs even harder.

This kind of pain is soul crushing. I’m angry at my stepdad for being reckless, for taking himself and our mother away from us. She wasn’t perfect, but she was always there for my sisters when it counted. And now here I am, trying to fill her shoes and worried I’m failing .

I rock Callie until her sobs slow to a sniffle and the occasional hiccup. “Should I make you hot chocolate and we can eat sugar cookies for breakfast?”

She nuzzles into my neck. “Can we eat chocolate too?”

“I bought chocolate hazelnut croissants,” I whisper.

Even though they’re red-rimmed, her eyes light up. “Really? And we can have them for breakfast?”

Usually they’re an afternoon treat, but I can’t see her this sad on Christmas.

“Yup. Why don’t you wake up your sister?”

“Okay.” She slides off the edge of the bed, Axel still clutched to her chest as she rushes down the hall, calling Fee’s name.

I flop down on my mattress and work to compartmentalize the pain in my heart. I need to be strong for the girls. Please let that be the hardest part of today.

I grab my phone from my nightstand and check my messages. I have one from my dad and Jacqueline, who are in the Bahamas because her birthday is on Christmas Eve.

There are new ones in the Badass Babe Brigade chat:

Hemi

Merry Christmas! I’ve already posted this to Dallas’s feed while he was in a sugar coma last night.

A photo of Hemi with her family and Dallas’s gathered in the living room of one of their houses follows. Dallas is dressed in an elf onesie, chatting with Hemi’s brother.

Hammer

I’m sure he’ll appreciate all his new followers. Check out the sweater I made Hollis wear last night.

An image of Hollis wearing an ugly Grinch sweater, looking happily annoyed is under the message.

Tally

10/10 on both of these! The boyfriend just arrived, and I’m still in my jammies. Merry Christmas! I need to get downstairs before my dad corners him.

Rix

Love you all! Hope today is wonderful for you! Look at these boys.

A blurry close-up of Rix’s eyes and the top of her mom’s head in the foreground and Tristan and Flip surrounded by their respective dads and Tristan’s brothers, all wearing holiday-themed Terror sweaters, pops up.

Shilpa

Merry Christmas!

Ash and Shilpa are cuddled on the couch, wearing matching holiday sweaters and drinking out of matching holiday mugs.

Dred

Good tidings from me and Dewey.

She adds a selfie of her and her hedgehog, both wearing Santa hats.

Essie

Me, my spiked coffee, and my sister all wish you the merriest of Christmases.

She has her arm wrapped around her half-asleep sister, who is dressed in pajama bottoms and a hoodie that has Gandalf from Lord of the Rings dressed as Santa on it.

It’s our second Christmas without our mom, and it hurts just as much as it did last year.

Lexi

Happy Holidays, everyone! I’ll send pictures once I’ve brushed my hair.

Hopefully by then Callie won’t look like she’s been crying.

I send a private message to Dred. She volunteers a lot around the holidays, so she may be already out and about.

Lexi

Merry Christmas. How’s it going?

Dred

At the soup kitchen! Already made two hundred pounds of mashed potatoes. I should be done in a couple of hours.

Lexi

Super excited to have you here with us for dinner!

Dred

Same! I have a pie (made by Rix) in my fridge that I haven’t touched.

Lexi

I hear her pies are legendary.

Dred

I can confirm they are magical. Flip routinely makes himself sick on them.

Lexi

Are you sure you want to share it?

Dred

With you and the girls? Absolutely.

I already feel better. The girls love Dred, and she’s become a good friend here in Toronto.

New messages pop up from Roman as I roll out of bed.

Roman

Merry Christmas. * holiday GIF*

If you and the girls need anything at all today, even if it’s takeout, just message. I’m here. I know how hard today is.

I desperately want to invite him over. If he was here it would fill one of the gaping holes in my chest, but it will only make things more difficult. We haven’t been in a room alone since the holiday party, and the idea of being in his arms again has been all-consuming. The end of the season is impossibly far away.

Lexi

Merry Christmas to you, too. Thank you for the offer. I’m hoping hot chocolate, croissants, and cookies for breakfast will win me some points.

I throw on a robe so I can put on a pot of coffee. I’ve just gotten started when Callie shows up in tears again.

“What happened?” I crouch so we’re at eye level.

“I tried to wake Fee up, and she told me to stop being annoying and go away.” She uses her sleeve to wipe her runny nose. “And then she said Christmas was canceled. Is that true?”

“Christmas isn’t canceled.” I grab a tissue from the counter and pull her into a hug. “Fee’s just grumpy. She probably stayed up too late watching movies. I’ll talk to her.” I pile several cookies and croissants on a plate and fill Callie’s mug with hot chocolate and marshmallows before I seat her at the table. “I’ll be right back.”

“Okay.”

I kiss her on top of the head and leave her to eat sweets while I handle Fee. Dealing with hormonal, testosterone-fueled hockey players is easier than a sad teenager.

I channel the little holiday joy I have left and knock on her door.

“I’m sleeping,” she gripes.

“I’m coming in anyway.” I open her door in time to watch her bury her head under her pillow. Undeterred, I sit on the edge of her bed. Coming in hot won’t help. “I know today is hard.”

She tosses her pillow aside and rolls over to glare at me, but her eyes are red-rimmed and puffy, like she’s been crying for some time. “Christmas is supposed to be about family. Everyone I know is celebrating with theirs, and I just… I miss Mom and Dad so much. Mom used to take care of everything, and I didn’t even realize it. I thought this year was going to be fun, but there’s so much responsibility, and sometimes it’s exhausting.”

Pain makes my chest tight. I know that feeling all too well. All my failures are piling up, crushing me under their weight. I’m not doing a good enough job. My mom and my stepdad were both only children, and my grandparents are back in Niagara, so they can’t be much help. Their old next-door neighbor, Donna a.k.a. Aunt Donna, is a nice woman, but she has grandchildren of her own and can’t hold my hand. But what if I fuck up the girls beyond repair?

My own chin wobbles, because the weight of it all is crushing me. “I know, Fee. I’m so sorry. I wish I could ask what to do and how to do it better, because most of the time I have no idea. But Callie is out there crying because you told her to go away and Christmas was canceled.”

“There’s nothing to celebrate,” she whispers, caught up in the emotion of it all.

I wish I could fix it, but I can’t. “I know all you want is to be sad. But you can’t decide for all of us if something is worth celebrating or not. You knew saying that would be hurtful to your sister, especially today. We are a family and we are still here. Missing Mom and your dad makes your heart feel like a giant skinned knee. There’s a hole here.” I tap over my heart. “And we miss them. But they loved you.” I take in a deep breath, struggling to keep it together as tears track down her cheeks., wishing there was someone to hold me while I fall apart too.

“They loved you too, you know?” Fee links her fingers with mine .

My heart is a battered soda can. Knowing that’s true and having felt it fully when they were alive is so different. With another deep exhale, I continue, “They loved us. We are alive and here, and we’re going to be the kindest version of ourselves today that we can muster. We’re going to be gentle with each other, which includes a little girl who doesn’t understand that some days you just need to hide under the blankets and be really fucking sad. I love you, Fee. We’ve done a lot to survive, and I would say it is going to get easier and maybe it will, but mostly this is life now. There’s no going back. But you can decide how you want to love the family you do have.” I pass her a tissue and she dabs her tears away.

“I’m sorry I told Callie Christmas was canceled.”

“I know. Just come out and do Christmas morning. If you need time after that, I’ll totally understand.”

She sighs. “Okay. Give me fifteen minutes.”

I pat her leg. “Thank you, and I’m really sorry today hurts extra. I’ll make you a mochaccino.”

“With whipped cream?”

“As if I would leave out the whipped cream.”

She throws her arms around me. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

I leave her room and pull the door closed behind me.

A wave of sadness threatens to pull me under. I’m so overwhelmed. I miss having a family, even though they weren’t perfect. I’m drowning in the responsibility of all, choking on the loneliness. All I want is to curl up in bed and let my own tears fall. But I can’t. There’s one person I want more than anyone else right now. One person who seems to understand better than most how difficult today is.

But if I give in and call Roman, I’m not sure I won’t give in to everything else, too.