Page 19 of If We Survive: Inevitable Book 1

“Are you sure Olivia hasn’t messaged? He’s got to be out by now,” I ask Nola for the hundredth time. I’m pissing myself off, let alone her.

“Yes, Kai. She hasn’t messaged me since you asked three minutes ago. Please sit the fuck down,” Nola groans.

“I can’t. I’m losing my mind over here. It’s been over 24 hours.”

I’m pacing her tiny living room like a wild cat trapped in a cage. My fingernails are bitten right down, and the skin around them is sore from picking but I can’t seem to stop destroying my fingers. Every part of my abused body hurts in some capacity, but it’s the pain in my chest that aches the most. I never really understood the meaning of being heartbroken, but what I’m feeling right now feels damn close. My fragile heart is like a china cup with too many cracks, and only Eden holds the glue to fuse it back together.

“Fuck it, we need something to take the edge off,” Nola announces, jumping off the tanned leather sofa and prancing to the kitchen on the other side of the room.

Standing on tiptoes, she fumbles for something on the top shelf until she uncovers a cheap bottle of Tequila.

“Get over here.”

I begrudgingly join her at the kitchen counter, where she’s lining up shots. I’m not sure if drinking is the best idea considering my mental state, but I’m too weak to argue. She hands me a shot and then motions to cheers.

“I’m not going to cheers you. I’m wallowing,” I say with a pout.

“You have to, or a baby queer won’t get their wings.”

I raise an eyebrow at her, trying to suppress my smile.

“Fine, what are we cheersing to?”

“To not dying,” she says, smirking.

My eyes roll, but I go along with it, clinking my glass against hers.

“To not dying,” I deadpan.

As I bring the glass to my lips, Nola’s phone rings. I slam the glass onto the counter, spilling half its contents, then skip, hop, and jump across her crowded living space. I dive onto the sofa, where the phone rests on the arm of the chair.

“Olivia, is he out?”

“Baby, it’s me.”

My heart lurches out of my chest, and an aggressive swarm of butterflies fight in my stomach, leaving me speechless.

“Kai, are you there?”Eden asks, tone laced with panic.

“Fuck, yes. Sorry, honey, I’m here. Are you ok? Where are you?”

“I don’t know how to feel. I’m tired, hungry, and confused, but I’m ok, I think. I’m going to my apartment with my sister now. Where are you?”

Relief barrels through me. He’s free and going home. That’s all that matters. I thought the last 24 hours wrecked me. God knows what he’s had to endure.

“I’m at Nola’s. Can I—”

I stop myself because maybe he doesn’t want to see me. He probably needs to be alone to process everything that’s happened. I can’t just force myself on him. This has to be on his terms.

“Kai, I want to see you. Can you come over?”

I release a raspy breath, and my shoulders unclench.

“Of course, send me your address. I’ll come now.”

“Ok, good. Will do. See you soon, Kai.”The way my name rolls off his tongue sends tingles from my chest to the tips of my ears.

“See you soon, honey.”

It’s hard to believe that after everything I’ve put Eden through, he still wants to see me. I’m grateful but aware that what we went through altered our reality. Toxicity clutters my brain; every other thought I have is dark and twisted, and I don’t know how to turn it off. Something inside of me broke during our abduction, and I can’t expect him to fix me. But for tonight, I’ll do my best to give him all that’s left of me.

* * *

As the lift climbs to the tenth floor of Eden’s building, I grimace at my reflection, self-conscious about the tiniest things. My dry lips, gaunt face, shaved head and the dark circles underneath my eyes repulse me. I don’t recognise the man staring back at me. I shouldn’t care about how I look. It’s the least important thing right now. But I’m scared Eden won’t want me any more when he realises I have nothing to offer.

I used to think I was funny and felt good in my skin. These were the two things I actually liked about myself, but now I feel ugly inside and out. I can’t remember the last time I said something comical, and it wasn’t a tool to hide how truly broken I am.

I barely knock on the dark oak door because part of me doesn’t want him to answer. The audacity of me to turn up like this wrecked and worthless.

The door flies open, and Olivia gives me a sad half-smile. Her eyes are red-rimmed, and the skin on her chest and neck is blotchy.

“Kai darling, thanks for coming. He’s desperate to see you.”

Olivia pulls me in for a firm hug, and I embrace it, melting against her squishy chest. She smells of a passion fruit and coconut melody, like a tropical island. It’s so different from Eden yet equally as comforting.

We stand in the doorway hugging for longer than is socially acceptable, considering we’ve only met a couple of times, but I’m oddly ok with it. She sniffles, and I pull back to find her pretty face.

“Shit, sorry. I’ll stop crying soon, I promise. I’m happy Eden’s home, but I’ve been holding it together for the past four days, so I guess now is my time to lose my shit.”

She chuckles to herself, but I can tell it’s not her real laugh even though I hardly know her. I take her hands in mine and search her watery eyes.

“It’s alright. You can cry. It’s been hard on everyone, but it’s over now. We’ll be alright.”

I squeeze her hands before letting go, and she swipes at her damp face. I have no idea if we’ll be ok, but there’s no point in worrying her.

“Come in. He’s just getting cleaned up.”

“Thanks.”

Olivia steps aside, and I take in Eden’s lavish home for the first time. It’s outrageous but in a good way. I feel like I’ve stepped into the ultimate luxury bachelor pad. The open plan space has a complementary mix of masculine tones of whites, blacks and greys. He has an array of surprisingly healthy plants dotted around the vast space, giving it a homely feel. Four floor-to-ceiling windows display a gorgeous view over central London. The kitchen is stylish and slick, with all the latest appliances to match the charcoal grey cabinets and white counter tops. The grey corner sofa looks sumptuous but still incredibly comfy. Eden’s home is breathtaking. When I think about my grotty studio in comparison, I feel bad. I’m messing up the place just by being here. I knew Eden had his own business, but I had no idea he was rich because he has to be if he can afford a place like this in the centre of London.

As if Olivia can sense my awe, she says, “Eden has me to thank for the decor. Don’t let him take credit.”

“You did good.”

“Cheers,” she says, giving me a weak smile.

Olivia grabs her coat slung across the back of the sofa and gracefully slips into it, flicking her thick chestnut hair out of the way when it gets caught in the collar.

“Right, I’m going to do a big food shop and get some bits from the pharmacy for Eden. I shouldn’t be more than an hour, but if you need anything, call me on his work phone.”

“Sure, ok. Thank you.”

She gently squeezes my shoulder on her way out.

Nerves swirl in my tummy as I slowly pass the living area, searching for Eden. The door to the bathroom is slightly ajar, and I catch him staring into the mirror while brushing his teeth and running his fingers over his rib cage. A white towel clings loosely to his hips. I watch for a moment, completely transfixed by his masculine beauty, but decide to stop creeping and go in.

When Eden sees me, he drops his hands from his ribs and spits out a mouthful of toothpaste, then wipes the back of his hand across his mouth.

“Kai, you’re here.” His voice hiccups, trying to hold back tears.

“Yes, honey, I’m here.”

I come up behind him, wrapping my arms around his broad chest. I rest my forehead against his damp back and breathe deeply, savouring his fresh honey scent. I need to find out what body wash or shampoo he uses because it’s intoxicating.

Eden relaxes against me, and I let my hands roam his chest and stomach and strum his rib cage. His hands cover mine, stopping them in their exploration.

“I need a steak and a shit ton of carbs.”

I release a small chuckle against his back. Eden uncurls my arms from his chest and twists so he’s facing me. Leaning against the edge of the sink, he spreads his legs and settles me in between them. He takes my face in his hands and leans down to give me a slow, tender kiss. One of my hands rests on his hip, and the other lands on his chest. My fingers splay through the coarse hair on his chest. Tingles shoot up my spine as he deepens the kiss, and I feel his cock grow between us, grazing my stomach, but my own cock is limp. I should enjoy kissing him, but my mind runs at one hundred miles per hour, and I can’t silence my self-destructive thoughts. Wetness tickles my cheeks, and a tiny whimper escapes me. Eden pulls away and searches my glossy eyes.

“Shit, Kai, you’re crying.”

I’m silent, unsure how to explain what’s happening in my head. I should be happy, glad we’re free and back together, but all I feel is misery.

“Are you mad at me for not telling you about my conviction?”

“I was, yes. But not any more. I’m more pissed that you’d willingly risk your freedom for me. What happened with the police, Eden? Do they believe you shot him? What if we both end up in prison for lying?” The words rush out of me, panic tightening my chest.

“Baby, it’s ok. I spoke to Jacob and apparently, Jeremy’s lips are sealed. He’s saying he can’t remember what happened.”

“Shit, Eden, but what if he doesn’t stay quiet. This could blow up in our faces.” I shake my head and try to ease away from him, but his grip on my face tightens.

“Kai, it’s going to be fine,” he says sternly.

“No, it’s not. I still don’t understand why you did it, though. Risk all that, knowing they’d look into your history.”

“Isn’t it obvious by now?” he says with hurt eyes.

“I don’t know,” I mutter, worrying my bottom lip as I consider what he’s trying to tell me without actually telling me.

His hands fall from my face, and he gently moves me to the side and storms out of the bathroom, leaving nothing but fear in his wake.

“Eden, where are you going?” I call after him.

Following him into his bedroom, he whips off the towel and aggressively scrubs his hair dry. I almost get distracted by his perfect glutes, but the tension in his shoulders lets me know he’s pissed. I grab the corner of the towel and yank it away from his grasp.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He bites, twisting around to glare at me.

“We’re talking.”

“No, it’s fine. Forget I said anything. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to get into it right now.”

I’ve turned his life upside down and almost got him killed. How could he possibly love me after all that?

“You can’t love me, Eden,” stumbles out of my mouth. I know full well I love him, but I also know I’m not worthy of that love in return.

Eden snatches the towel back and wraps it around his waist. The hurt painting his features feels like a slap to the face.

“Who are you to tell me who I can and can’t love,” he snaps.

“There’s nothing left to love,” I yell, throwing my arms out as tears blur my vision.

“That’s not the truth, and you know it. The guy I met a few weeks ago was confident and knew how amazing and worthy he was of love.”

“That guy is dead! I don’t know who the fuck I am any more.”

Eden closes the space between us and firmly takes my face in both hands.

“You listen to me, ok? You’re Kai fucking Ellis. And you’re alive. Tell me you’re alive.”

I close my eyes, frantically shaking my head in his hands. I pull at his wrists, trying to remove them from my face, but he tightens his grip and crushes our foreheads together. My heart pummels my chest.

“No, tell me, Kai. Tell me you’re alive,” he repeats in a wavering voice.

Tears stream down my face as he demands I say something I don’t believe.

“Please, baby, I need you to tell me you’re alive. Because if you’re not, then I’m dead, too.”

A deafening sob escapes me. Why won’t he just let me hate myself?

“I need to hear you say it.”

I open my eyes, and the anguish staring back finally breaks me.

“I’m alive,” I force out through more heavy tears.

“Yes, we’re alive.”

Eden releases my face and picks me up. My arms naturally lace around his neck and legs around his waist. He sits down on the end of the bed, and I straddle his lap. Large hands stroke my back, making my hair stand on end. I nuzzle his neck, soaking his fresh skin with poisonous tears. I’m not sure how much time passes, but eventually, he shifts slightly and lets out a hiss.

“Oh shit, your leg,” I say, scrambling off him to sit on the edge of the bed beside him.

“It’s alright,” he grunts.

“Let me see.”

He pulls the towel up, exposing his toned thigh. The area around the wound looks tender, but the stitches have held. We’re silent for a while, and the tension makes my skin feel prickly.

“Kai, are you ok? You look like you’re not even here. You’re scaring me.”

“I don’t know,” I mutter.

“Have your feelings changed for me now that you know my past?”

Eyes widening, I snatch his hand and link our fingers.

“God, no, it’s not you. It’s me.”

He scoffs and rubs the centre of his brow, head hanging low.

“I’ve heard that one before.”

I lift his chin, so our eyes meet.

“Eden, I promise it really is me.” I pause, afraid to admit how much I’ve really come undone. “I’m not ok inside here.” I tap my temple with my forefinger.

“I’m not surprised after what we’ve been through. Fuck, I’m a mess, too. It’ll take us a long time to recover from what we went through.”

“It’s more than that, though. It feels like every bit of trauma I’ve ever suppressed has finally come bubbling to the surface. I’m scared. Scared of my own thoughts, Eden.”

More silent tears drown my face. He lifts his free hand to my face and captures them as they fall. Every soft touch he willingly hands over, makes me feel terrible. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve him. Not right now, anyway.

“Do you want to tell me about these thoughts?” Eden gently asks.

I shake my head, casting my eyes down.

“That’s ok. When you’re ready, you know I’ll listen. You don’t have to put on an act for me. I’m not going anywhere.”

He tucks me into his side and lightly tickles my outer arm.

“I can’t give you what you want right now. I need to figure out the shit in my head first.”

“It’s ok, I understand.” He leans down to plant a soft kiss on my head.

“Can we just lay here for a bit?” I ask.

“Yep, we can do that,” Eden whispers against the top of my head.

I shuffle back on the bed and he stands, grabbing a pair of boxers from the chest of drawers and slipping them on. I curl onto my side, and he effortlessly slides in behind me. I let out a sigh of relief as his broad frame surrounds me. It feels like home, albeit a home I’m not worthy of owning.

* * *

“Eden, where are you?” An unfamiliar high-pitched voice jolts me awake.

The door flies open, and an older woman with short dark brown hair and wide, piercing green eyes looks at me with her jaw hanging low.

My heart rattles against my ribcage at the sudden invasion.

“Oh god, sorry.” She backs out and slams the door shut, making Eden’s eyes ping open.

“Shit, what was that?” Eden asks, dazed.

“I think I just met your mother.” I grimace.

“Fuck. I told Olivia not to let them come over yet.” He huffs, dragging himself up to sit on the edge of the bed.

My gut clenches. I’m so not ready to meet his parents, not like this.

“I should go. You need to see your family. They’re probably really worried,” I say, standing and readjusting my crumpled clothes.

“No, it’s fine. I’ll tell them they can’t stay long.”

“Eden, they literally flew across the world to be here. You should speak to them properly.”

He groans, then circles the bed and hugs me tightly.

“Are you sure?” he asks uneasily, searching my eyes for discomfort, which I’m sure he finds.

“Yep, I promise. I’m not really up for meeting people right now. Can you sneak me out?”

“Ok,” he replies, then leans in for a small peck.

I watch as Eden shoves on some joggers and a tight white t-shirt. He takes my hand and quickly leads me towards the front door. Hearing people shuffling, I can tell all eyes are on us, but they don’t speak.

I think they can probably guess who I am. I feel guilty for not introducing myself, but I don’t have it in me. Everything inside of me is telling me to run and hide. I hate the thought of meeting his parents when I’m such a mess.

Eden opens the door, leads us out and quietly closes it behind him. He walks me to the lift, and my chest aches at the realisation we’ll be apart again. Leaving him so soon after we’ve been brought back together hurts, but I’m making the right decision. I might not have a family, but he does. He should be with them.

As the lift door pings open, he grabs either side of my face and kisses the centre of my forehead. As Eden’s hands slip away, he strokes my earlobes like he’s done many times before.

“Do you have a phone yet?” he asks.

“No, but I’ll sort it out tomorrow.”

“Good. Get Nola to text Olivia with your new number so I can contact you.”

“Ok,” I mumble.

“If you need me before then, you don’t need to ask. You can just come over, alright?”

I nod, and he pulls me in for one more crushing hug. Our bodies tremble, and our heartbeats thump against one another. I suck in a final breath of his sweet honey scent and peel myself away from his tight grip. Quickly stepping back into the lift, my heart breaks a little as the doors slam shut.