Page 50 of I Would Stay Forever (Parkhurst Prep #2)

thirty-two

I stayed up half the night, first talking to Dean again and then catching Sebastian up on everything that had happened in the last few weeks.

I’d fallen asleep somewhere around three a.m., which was rather unfortunate because I’d forgotten I’d set an alarm for the next morning since I’d promised to drive Imogen to Dad’s—a promise that felt so much worse in light of everything that had happened yesterday.

I’d kept this part of what was happening hidden from Sebastian, deciding that it was still ultimately Imogen’s secret to tell.

She’d asked me not to tell anyone and I wouldn’t betray her trust in the same way that I was sure Sebastian would do if he were in my position.

It still didn’t make me feel any better about it as we silently got in my car on Saturday morning, though.

Imogen must have sensed my tension because she kept asking if I was okay every five minutes.

The first few times, I told her I was fine, but as we pulled up to the address she’d given me, I sighed and turned in my seat to face her.

“Look,” I said and a flash of worry crossed her face.

She probably thought I was going to tell her not to do this.

And a small, selfish part of me wanted to.

I would have loved nothing more than to be able to turn around and drive home without having to confront what was on the other side of that door.

The sob-fest I’d had yesterday was enough to tell me that I was not, and may never be, over what happened with Dad.

Airing everything out with Sebastian felt good, but it wasn’t enough to undo the damage.

The only thing that might help that was time—and preferably, a lot of distance.

“I’m not going to say you can’t see Dad.

That’s up to you. But I just want you to be prepared for what could happen here.

He walked out of your life once—and it’s great that you’re willing to move on from that and hear him out.

I just want you to be prepared for the possibility of it happening a second time.

And if it does, it’s probably going to hurt a heck of a lot worse. ”

Imogen’s eyes dropped and she fiddled with her hands. “I know,” she whispered. “I’m scared of that. But I think it would be worse to never know if we could have fixed things.”

There was no fixing this, of that much I was certain.

There was moving forward and maybe even forgetting, but there was no fixing the damage that had been done by this.

But Imogen didn’t need those blunt words, not when she was already worried.

I sighed and reached across the seats so I could grab her hand and give it a squeeze.

“Then maybe this is the right choice for you,” I said. “That’s okay. As long as you’re prepared for whatever outcome may happen.”

She swallowed. “Are you sure you don’t want to come in? I’m sure he would love to see you. He wanted to talk to you when you came to the hospital, you know, but he didn’t want to overstep and?—”

“He tried talking to me,” I told her. “I refused to speak back, other than to tell him where you were.”

Her face fell and I realized that he told her a different version of the truth for a reason.

He didn’t want to seem like a villain for not talking to me, but he also didn’t want her to know how I was pushing him away.

He probably thought she would be influenced by me and push him away as well. If only it was that easy.

“I have no interest in rebuilding a relationship with that man,” I told her honestly.

“I’m happy for you that you do, but I don’t and neither does Sebastian.

” That was something we’d talked about last night.

If anything, Sebastian was even more steadfast against it, having lived with the truth of Dad’s infidelity for so long.

“I’m not sure about Ainsley, but I need you to promise me that you won’t pressure any of us into trying, okay?

We all have to deal with this in our own way. ”

Imogen looked disappointed but she nodded.

I had a feeling this wouldn’t be the last time we’d have to talk about this, but I was glad she at least understood for now.

The real difficulties would come at special events—would she invite him to her high school graduation, even if Ainsley didn’t want him there?

Would she want to see him on her birthday and holidays?

The next couple of years would likely be awkward ones for us all as we tried to navigate what our family structure would look like with Dad half in, but we’d find our way.

Imogen bit on her lip as she looked up at the red brick building in front of us.

I’d asked her if she ever came here before this, but the time on her bike had been her first time trying.

The building itself was pretty ordinary, about four stories high with one flat per floor, but it felt oddly imposing as we sat before it.

Not just a regular building, but a portal into another version of our lives.

“Will you walk me up?” Imogen asked in a small voice.

I blinked in surprise at the request coming from a girl who was normally so independent.

For a moment, I was worried that I’d been too harsh in my warnings about Dad and that I should take the words back, but then I decided that it might be better for her to hold on to some of her concerns.

It would stop her from lowering her guard too much and being crushed if Dad didn’t live up to her expectations of him.

It would stop her from becoming like me when I found out the truth, and if that was one thing that I could help her with, I was going to do it.

“Of course,” I said, even though I would rather die than have to face my father again right now.

But sacrifices had to be made for my little sister, so I got out of the car and took a deep breath, then linked my arm through hers as we walked up the couple of cement steps to the porch.

I let her buzz the correct intercom, flinching when I heard Dad’s voice come through saying that he would be down in a minute.

I steeled myself as I stared at the painted wooden door in front of me.

It was fine. Everything would be fine. Imogen would walk inside and I wouldn’t even need to speak with him. Everything?—

The door swung open and my father’s frame filled the empty space.

Despite having just seen him yesterday, seeing him here—seeing him have a new place to live, with an intercom and a door he answered—made me forget how to breathe in the worst way possible.

How could he have a life? How could he move on so easily while it had taken me the better part of two months to scramble around and pick up the pieces?

As I watched him hug Imogen and say that he was so excited to have her over here for the first time, I expected the familiar wave of anger to wash over me, the same one that made me scream at him in the parking lot yesterday.

But instead, all I felt was disappointment.

I couldn’t even bother being angry anymore, because it took too much energy.

Was this what healing felt like? Having every emotion towards the person slowly fade away until you just couldn’t bring yourself to care anymore? I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not.

Dad slowly turned to face me with a hesitant look on his face. If yesterday hadn’t happened, I imagined that he would probably be hopeful that I was sticking around, but now I was sure he was just wondering why I would bother coming with Imogen when we both knew how much I wanted to avoid him.

“Imogen, why don’t you go inside and get settled?” I suggested with a soft smile in her direction. “I think I need to talk to Dad for a minute.”

Imogen looked unsure as her gaze darted between me and Dad, no doubt wondering what I was going to say to him after everything I’d just said to her.

Honestly, I wasn’t sure exactly what I was planning to do, but I knew it was something I didn’t want her to hear.

If I had my way, this would probably be the last meaningful conversation he and I had—which meant I couldn’t be censoring my words for the sake of my sister.

“I’ll follow you in a minute,” Dad promised her with an accounting nod. “Just go up the stairs until you get to my flat. It’s unlocked.”

Imogen still didn’t look entirely convinced, and for a moment I wondered if she was not only going to hang back, but even back out of this visit entirely.

She certainly seemed nervous enough. I slid my hand back down to hers and squeezed, hoping that she recognized it as the “I’ll support you no matter what” it was meant to be.

She squeezed back then stepped across the threshold.

Dad put a hand to her shoulder as she stepped by but didn’t turn away from me.

“Is everything okay?” he asked me once she was out of earshot. I took a deep breath and wiped my sweaty hands on the front of my jeans. I supposed it was now or never.

“Yes,” I said, proud of my voice for being so firm instead of shaking the way I felt on the inside. “I just wanted to talk to you after what happened yesterday.”

He took a long breath. “Ah. Yesterday.”

I couldn’t read the reaction well. Was he angry at me for yelling at him in public? Embarrassed that I caught him a second time with his mistress? Maybe a little of both or neither? It was strange how only a little time away from him made me feel like I didn’t even know him at all.

“I’m not ready to forgive you,” I said. I hadn’t thought this speech through at all and I was honestly just as surprised as him when the words came out of my mouth, but I didn’t take them back or hesitate to keep going.

“I have no desire to rebuild a relationship with you or to know what’s going on in your life.

You ruined everything for me by cheating on Mum and there is nothing you can do that will ever make that up to me.

That being said…” I gulped and looked over his shoulder at the railing of the stairs.

“I won’t let you continue to ruin my life either. ”

“It was never my intention to ruin your life, Lavender,” he murmured.

“Maybe not,” I agreed willingly, “but sometimes intentions don’t matter all that much.

You made your choice. You chose her over your own family, and honestly, I don’t even want to imagine why.

I don’t care. I just wanted you to know that I’m not going to waste the rest of my life hating you.

I won’t scratch out your eyes on family photos or try to convince Imogen not to see you.

I won’t even scream at you for showing up at big events if she invites you. ”

I let my eyes drift back over to him. He looked conflicted, like he wanted to tell me I was being unreasonable but knew he couldn’t. It made me glad he could at least see that he’d lost any authority he once had over me. It was impossible for me to respect him anymore.

“I suppose I appreciate that,” he said, his voice uncertain. It was clear that he wasn’t really sure what his reaction should be.

“But I want to be clear that I expect you to keep your distance from me too,” I continued.

He opened his mouth like he was going to argue, so I just barrelled on without giving him a chance.

“I don’t want you showing up anywhere near the school again.

I don’t want to have to live my life afraid that I’m going to run into you.

I know we’re in the same town, but this is far enough away that we should never have to run into each other accidentally. ”

“If Imogen wants me?—”

“She’ll come to you,” I finished for him firmly.

“She already knows the rest of us don’t want to see you, and frankly, she clearly doesn’t want the others to know she’s seeing you yet, so she won’t ask you to come near us.

And if she does, you can explain why to her.

Like I said, if she invites you to her graduation or whatever, I’ll grin and bear it, but I won’t spend every day of my life scared to run into my father.

” I took a deep breath. “This is the only way I can learn not to hate you. I hope you can understand.”

He was silent for a long time, staring at me with sad but curious eyes.

I kept my face blank, not letting him see anything more than I wanted him to.

My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking from nerves, but I’d be damned if I let him see any piece of me like that again.

He didn’t deserve for me to open up to him.

“Fine,” he said eventually, and I almost breathed a sigh of relief.

I wasn’t sure if I had it in myself to argue this point with him, or how I could possibly convince him to keep his distance if he didn’t care about me hating him.

“But I do hope you know, Lavender, that just because I’ll keep my distance doesn’t mean you can never talk to me again.

I will always be around if and when you need me. ”

My insides twisted painfully. He’d said those words to me a million times before, and previously I always believed him.

My dad had never given me a reason to doubt him—not until the day he suddenly did.

Seeing how easily and callously he could betray his wife brought everything he’d ever said and done for me into question, because how on earth could I know that he wouldn’t do the same to me?

Sure, he said he would always be there for me, but was that loyalty forever or only until something new came along to strike his fancy?

What if he started a new family with his new woman and had kids who had no idea they were the product of an affair and would love him endlessly?

I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t replace me and I refused to put myself in a place where I could be.

He was clearly waiting for a response from me, and maybe if I were a bigger person, I would have given him one, even if it was something as simple as “I won’t need you” or “tell Imogen to call me when she needs a ride home.” It was endlessly impolite to just walk away without a word, and yet that was exactly what I did.

And as I walked back to my car and got in the driver’s seat, refusing to look back to see whether he was watching me go or if he’d turned his back on me as well, I felt a small wave of satisfaction and pride for not giving in.