Chapter 4
Dexter
I stared at the hammer on the table by my front door. I knew Toby was up—I’d seen lights and heard his footsteps, but he hadn’t had coffee and breakfast delivered this morning.
Would it be weird to return his hammer and bring him some coffee?
I wished I knew more about humans, aside from how breakable they were.
I usually didn’t mind that I was so disconnected from the human world. My parents were good people, but they were first generation hellhounds that were content with just each other. We were constantly moving around hunting evil, and I felt like a third wheel more often than not. It wasn’t until I’d almost reached maturity that I’d been given to Wilder to raise, and that was when I’d finally found my pack and where I belonged. We weren’t a conventional group—I suppose hellhounds never were—so I never really bridged the gap between me and humanity.
Not everyone in my pack was so awkward with humans, however. If Jude were here, he’d know exactly what to say and how to talk to Toby. Jude had grown up thinking he was human, and he knew the most about the human world.
I supposed I could call and ask him. My pack was scattered right now, all of us in different areas taking care of sending hopeless souls on to the afterlife before they could do more damage on the mortal plane. We hadn’t had a central location to call home since we’d had to leave Wilder’s last compound. Humans tended to notice when you didn’t age, and it had probably been a decade since we’d all had a home base. We were constantly on the lookout for one, but no place had felt quite right to any of us.
Paradise Falls felt weirdly welcoming, though. When I’d first pulled into town, a sense of rightness had filled me, and I’d immediately looked into buying a house.
Then I’d seen a demon in town. Then another demon. Then an angel. So many afterlifers in one area usually spelled trouble, and hellhounds generally tried to avoid afterlifers since the first gen had left hell for the mortal plane.
Only… None of them had paid me any attention at all.
Then I’d felt the vague miasma of evil, only my hellhound hadn’t sensed mortality behind it. I’d almost packed up and left at that point, but I’d already started to become… attached to my interesting little neighbor. And I could tell that the evil floating around town wasn’t normal at all.
When the coffee shop owner, who was apparently an oracle, had texted me about a demon, I’d had the urge to get involved. Luckily that had been resolved satisfactorily. I still chuckled to think that the rogue demon had thought he could order me around. He’d certainly found out differently.
Ah, how satisfying those few days had been.
At any rate, once that was dealt with, Paradise Falls had gone back to its homey, welcoming feeling, and I had begun to think that maybe this town could be something of a home base. There was a quaint downtown, but there were ample rural areas as well—Paradise Falls was actually quite large. It was within a two hour drive of two major cities, giving us plenty of areas to hunt evil, and I hadn’t sensed any other hellhounds in either city. It wasn’t that we wouldn’t get along with another pack—but if there were hellhounds hunting in this area, then it wouldn’t need us.
On top of all that, the sprawling house I was in was large enough for a few of us—it had four bedrooms and was on a large piece of property. It had neighbors on both sides, although Toby was much closer to me than the old lady on the other side. I also knew she would probably be glad to sell, and her property was up against a protected open space. The three houses, including Toby’s, were kind of out in the middle of nowhere, and they would be perfect for our pack.
I hadn’t mentioned it, however, because I didn’t want Toby to move, and if we all lived here he would probably notice something weird. Although Toby lived in his own world most of the time, so maybe he wouldn’t.
I also kind of wanted to keep Toby to myself. There was just something about the human…
Which brought me back to my current dilemma. Was bringing over coffee and returning his hammer weird? What did humans do when they wanted to get to know each other?
I sighed and walked into the kitchen, grabbing my cell phone to make a call.
“Hey, Jude,” I said when he picked up, then I almost banged my head against the counter.
“Dex! What’s up? Don’t make it bad!” he laughed.
Jude had chosen his name because he was an avid Beatles fan, and somehow he never got tired of the jokes. The rest of us, however…
I sighed again before replying, and Jude got serious at the sound. “Hey, all ok there? Trouble in Paradise Falls?”
“No. Paradise Falls is actually really nice. There was a bit of an issue with a demon, but it was handled by an angel and an oracle, and I helped a bit,” I replied.
Jude hummed thoughtfully. “‘Really nice’? I don’t think I’ve ever heard you refer to a town as ‘really nice’ before. Where are you staying?”
“I, uh, bought a house,” I admitted.
Shit. This wasn’t where I was planning on taking the conversation.
“Really?” Jude questioned. “You never purchase property.”
“That wasn’t why I called,” I said, hoping to cut that line of questioning off. Yes, I thought Paradise Falls might work, but I had to figure out Toby before my pack descended on the town.
“Ah, ok. So what’s up, brother?” Jude asked.
I rubbed the back of my neck, feeling vaguely stupid. Now that it came down to it, I wasn’t quite sure what to say. “Uh… So… You grew up among humans,” I stated.
“Yep,” Jude answered.
“So you know how to talk to them, and you know what would be considered normal,” I stated.
“Are the humans there giving you issues?” Jude growled, as if I couldn’t take care of myself. I almost rolled my eyes.
“No, of course not. It’s just that, well, I have this neighbor…” I started, then I cleared my throat, unsure where to go from there.
Jude laughed. “Ah, Dex, are you asking me about dating humans?”
“No!” I answered. I then added, “Maybe?”
“You trying to figure out how to talk to your cute neighbor?” Jude asked, still chuckling.
“How do you know he’s cute?” I asked suspiciously.
“Because you’re calling me looking for advice on how to talk to humans,” Jude answered reasonably. “Obviously you think he’s cute. So what do you need to know, Dex?”
“I have his hammer. He didn’t get coffee delivery this morning, and he usually does. Would it be normal to bring his hammer over and a cup of coffee for him?” I asked.
“Well of course you should return the hammer. That’s totally normal. Not sure on the coffee, though. It might come off as a little stalkerish to admit you know when he gets coffee delivered and when he doesn’t. Or to give him coffee how he likes it prepared, which I’m sure you know with your attention to detail.”
“I should give him coffee that isn’t prepared to his liking?” I asked. “That seems strange.”
“No, maybe just skip the coffee altogether is what I’m saying,” Jude replied. “You don’t want to come off like a stalker.”
“He doesn’t think I’m a stalker. He thinks I’m a serial killer,” I answered reasonably.
Jude must have been taking a drink, because I heard the sound of him spitting something out and then coughing. “He thinks what?” he gasped.
“That I’m a serial killer,” I answered again. “I heard him telling his friend on the phone.”
“Why the hell does he think that?” Jude asked once he stopped coughing.
“Well, he was inquiring about death from stomach wounds. So obviously, I was helpful,” I explained.
“Obviously, he was helpful,” Jude muttered under his breath. “Ok, listen, Dex, you can’t talk about death and dismemberment with humans.”
“Why not?” I asked. “He brought it up. I might have brought up losing fingers, but only because he was asking about that.”
“Dex,” Jude sighed out. I could tell he was probably rubbing his forehead. He did that sometimes when our interactions with humans didn’t meet his standards.
“And anyway, I think now he thinks I used to torture people for the military, not that I’m a serial killer,” I added helpfully.
“Ok,” Jude said, “obviously I’m missing something here, because it isn’t normal for humans to ask those sort of questions unless they’re serial killers.”
“Oh, he isn’t a serial killer, although he has admitted that maybe he’s a stalker,” I replied.
Jude sputtered through the phone, so I added proudly, “But don’t worry, he’s only stalking me.”
I could hear Jude doing some deep breathing then. I gave him a minute, going over to the coffee machine and starting a cup. He had said not to bring a cup for Toby, but maybe if I had my own cup of coffee with me I could offer some to him. That would be polite, right?
“I think you better start at the beginning,” Jude finally said.
So I told him about Toby, his writing, and the conversations I’d listened in on with his friends and personal assistant. I might have left out some of the details—he didn’t need to know how hot Toby thought I was, or how cute I thought he was—but I explained the basics.
“Ok,” Jude finally answered. “I guess that makes a little more sense. He isn’t actually stalking you. He thinks you’re hot. Although it kind of sounds like you’re stalking him if you’re listening in on his phone conversations and keeping track of his delivery schedule.”
“He’s cute,” I said.
“Hmm. Well, then I guess there’s only one answer.” Then Jude started singing, “Let him into your heart, and then you can start to make it better.”
“Jude,” I said, rubbing my own forehead now.
“You have found him, now go and get him,” Jude sang.
“Jude, seriously,” I cut in.
“Remember to let him under your skin, then you’ll begin to make it better better better…” Jude continued to sing.
“Jude!” I half yelled, cutting him off.
He only chuckled.
“I never got that anyway. How would I let him under my skin? Am I supposed to flay myself and drape him in it? I don’t think most humans would enjoy that,” I mused.
Jude sighed then. “Man, this is gonna be hopeless. Look, just return the hammer, and just try to… I don’t know… Be normal. Don’t talk about flaying people or dismemberment or let him know that you know when he gets coffee delivery.”
“I thought it was a fool who played it cool,” I smirked.
Jude laughed. “Hey, no using lyrics against me.”
“You’re the one who chose a Beatles song for a name,” I answered.
“Better than choosing the name of a serial killer from tv,” he responded.
“That was a good show!” I protested. “What I watched of it, anyway. A serial killer with a moral code. Seemed like the perfect name to me.” So I’d only seen a few episodes of my namesake television show, but I had grown rather fond of the name.
“Listen though, about the town…” Jude started.
“I don’t know,” I cut in. “Maybe. It feels good here. But I’m not ready for the whole pack to descend just yet.”
“Because of your cute neighbor?” Jude asked.
“He feels like pack to my hellhound,” I answered quietly.
“Ok. Well, keep me posted. And just… I don’t know… try to act like a normal human,” Jude said before we said our farewells and hung up.
Yeah. If only it were that simple. If I knew what acting like a normal human entailed, I wouldn't have called Jude to begin with.
I supposed he at least answered the coffee question. Sort of. I debated bringing the cup I’d made for myself over then decided against it since I hadn’t asked Jude. I’d just bring the hammer over, and Toby and I would have a normal, human conversation.
Yep. It should be easy.