Page 147 of House of Marionne

But some things deserve to be destroyed.

I hide her because I have to. But now that I understand her, she isn’t out of control. In some ways she’s the only thing I do have control of in my entire life. I flicker with her chill, and it’s endearing.

She burns colder and I give in to her call, and it fills me in a way only she can. I stare at my hands in delight that I feel something. Can do something. And it hits me. I think I know what I have to do.

I will not be relegated to the whims of my grandmother. I will not be chained to her—or anyone’s—version of my fate. Going through with Cotillion to bind with my proper magic would tether me to Grandmom, to this House in servitude forever, stepping from one cage into another. Destroying my toushana means destroying a part of myself. A part of myself that’s powerful. Perhaps I’ve been coming at it all wrong. Perhaps I should have been chasing courage instead.

Perhaps the only way to truly be free . . .

Is to stop fighting against who I really am.

The truth makes me steady myself on the wall. I brace myself against it and try to piece together what I think I’m saying. What I think I’ve decided. I knock on the wall.

“I’ve reached my decision, Grandmom, please.”

I will go through with Third Rite.

And play along with Grandmom’s wishes.

But on that stage, I will bind with my toushana.

With her, I am free.

FORTY-SEVEN

The door to my room parts open tentatively, and I glimpse Grandmom’s face.

“I’m ready to talk, please.”

Grandmom is in a blazer and skirt, with a fleur brooch beside her neck, gloves on her hands. She comes inside, light streaming in behind her. And I suddenly realize I’m not sure how long I’ve been trapped in here. She takes in the room and her expression twists.

“You’re on your way out?”

“To a meeting, yes.” She tightens her mouth at the mess I’ve made of her precious things. “I didn’t want to keep you waiting in the event you’ve come to your senses with Cotillion tomorrow.”

Tomorrow! My chance isn’t lost. “I have.”

“I’m listening.” She faces me, rigid and unreadable, her classic expression. I stare at her a moment and realize I could be looking in a mirror. But because I didn’t grow up here, shellacked by this world, I am not beholden to it. Not yet.

I can tell by the way her hands hook together, the draw up of her shoulders, she’s nervous. Cautious. Whatever I say has to convince her completely. She can’t suspect I’m lying or who knows what she might do. I know her dirty tethering secret now, and she’s proven she doesn’t balk at getting rid of those who can cause trouble for her. I clasp my hands behind my back, digging my nails into my skin as if in them are buried roots of courage.

“You were right.” I paint on a sad veneer and fidget with my hands. I even pace a little bit for good measure. “The shock of everything threw me. I can’t imagine a safer place to be. Home. With you, here in Chateau Soleil.”

The word sticks in my throat.

Home is Mom. Home is my toushana. Home is wherever I choose it to be.

My forbidden magic flickers in me, and its chill soothes.

“I will complete Third Rite and bind with my magic, erasing my toushana forever.”

Grandmom circles me, and my heart thrums faster.

“Forgive me, please, I still want to induct if you would have me.”

Her fingers play on the pile of wood that used to be a dresser. “King Louis XVI gave this to my great-great-great-grandmother. A gift at her Cotillion from his own collection.”

I knew it was special; it was too fancy not to be. But I refuse to feel guilty.