Page 88 of Hotshot

Hank scrubbed his hand over his stubbled jaw. “I’m not unhappy, I’m just…overwhelmed. I’m going to Denver to work shit out with the board and see what they’ll need for a long-term plan. They might want to hire someone else. Who knows? You’re leaving soon?”

“Tomorrow. But I can postpone my trip and?—”

“Don’t do that. You have to do your thing now, sweetheart. You can do this, you know. You can handle the press, you can do whatever you set your mind to. You’re going to be fucking amazing.”

I frowned. “Why does it feel like you’re saying good-bye?”

“I can’t take the easy way out anymore, Den. I have to be a fucking grown-up and do the right thing. Just like you do. New team, new adventure. You won’t be the rookie anymore. You’re a star, and we can’t pretend we can go on like this indefinitely. It’s a nice dream, but it’s not realistic and?—”

“Stop. I don’t know why we’re having this conversation, but there’s a chance I’m staying in Denver, and we’ll see each other whenever I’m in town…here or there. It doesn’t matter where either of us lives…we’ll still have this. We’ll have us.”

“Jesus, Den. It’s not that simple.”

“Of course it is,” I insisted. “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because I love you.”

Holy fuck.

“I…”

He shoved his hat on his head again and grunted. “I didn’t mean to say that. It’s true, but I wasn’t going to…never mind.”

I opened my mouth like a fish out of water. “You love me.”

“Yeah, inconvenient, huh? It’s been there for a while, months. I thought I could talk myself out of it. You’re too young for me, we don’t live in the same state, you’re not out…good reasons to walk away, but nothing has changed…except the way I feel. I love the way your eyes light up when you smile. I love that nervous tic in your cheek when you’re in the saddle. I love your silly side, your wild hair, and the way you look first thing in the morning. I love you. And every day, I fall a little deeper for someone I can’t have.” He gave a humorous laugh. “The irony here is off the charts. I didn’t want anything to do with this place, but I can’t leave now and you have to go.”

“You make it sound impossible,” I whisper-croaked.

“Isn’t it? Jesus, Den, everyone still thinks you have a girlfriend.”

“That’s…not for long.”

Hank stood slowly, the brim of his hat casting a sharp shadow across his cheekbone. “It’s okay. That’ll happen when you’re ready. But me…I’m in over my head, and it kills me to know I’m bad for you. Bad for your reputation, bad for your image. I don’t want you to worry about the mill. I don’t need you to save me, Den. As your friend, as someone who worships the ground you fucking walk on…I want you to be the greatest ever. You deserve nothing less.”

He grazed his finger along my jaw and walked away.

I heard a screen door open and click shut, and then…nothing.

What the fuck just happened?

I let the sound of birds and the rustle of leaves take over, afraid to move and disturb the balance.

Or maybe I was afraid that leaving now would really mean this was over.

I wasn’t sure what I’d expected. I’d thought we’d have more time before we had to contemplate future plans. I’d assumed he was content with being friends with benefits. I’d figured we’d revisit the terminology at some point in the future, but I hadn’t thought that day would be today.

And now what? Was I supposed to let go? Just like that?

A grapefruit-sized ball of emotion swelled in my throat and brought tears to my eyes. I didn’t know what to do or say, how to act or feel.

So I sat on the step, wrestling with old demons and the ugly voices in my head that insisted I was better off alone…and that maybe it was what I deserved.

Music thumpedthrough the door and rattled the windows of my house.Shit. I forgot about Trinsky and the other guys stayingwith me. I stood on my front porch for a hot second and quickly decided I wasn’t in the mood.

It was quieter next door at Grams’s and her hearing wasn’t great, so I doubted the incessant drumbeat registered at all. Of course, she’d ask what was wrong and why I’d shown up out of the blue. Not ideal, but it was better than getting shitfaced and spilling my guts to a teammate and a couple of strangers.

Yeah, Grams was safer.