Page 22

The car ride back to Spruce is spent with ABBA at full-blast, all the windows down, and Pete and Juniper singing shamelessly into the noise. Anthony and I are in the backseat, my arm slung over his back, every now and then sneaking a kiss. Twice, he looks like he might’ve fallen asleep on my shoulder, but the smile that teases on his face every time I kiss him tells me he’s awake and just enjoying the ride home.

While the intention was, in fact, to make it back in time for Anthony to honor his self-appointed obligation of attending Trey’s service every Sunday, we’re a handful of minutes too late. After the car is parked, we find Trey among the crowd gathered outside the church, and he is thrilled to spot us approaching. “You four have a great weekend? Cody’s back at the house setting up brunch with our parents. You four are just in time if you want to join us!”

It’s no question, as all four of us are starved after the handful of hours spent cramped up in a car hungover from last night—for more reasons than just the alcohol. Anthony and I must’ve slept hard, because apparently Juniper and Pete went at it for countless more hours after we’d already conked out, and despite how bright and cheery they are this morning, I know the kinky pair of them are running on fumes. An offer of brunch at the house is the warm welcome back we weren’t expecting.

Walking into Trey and Cody’s house after the weekend away feels exactly like returning home, even if this isn’t our home at all. The house is full of appetizing aromas. Cody and Trey’s dad are in the kitchen laughing and chatting away, with Cody’s mom nursing a coffee at the island. Upon us coming in, all the focus is shifted our way, particularly on Juniper, whom the parents haven’t yet had the pleasure of getting to know. “Oh, I dunno,” says Juniper when asked what she’d like to drink, “probably a screwdriver, if you got any good vodka. It helps with the hangover,” she then explains to Trey’s bewildered father, who looks like he swallowed a bug, the way the former reverend squints at Juniper with worry. “ Bethie ,” states Cody’s mom when Pete tries to call her Ms. Davis. “You’re guests of my son and his husband, I won’t have any of that dang Ms. or Mrs. formality. You’re part of the Spruce family now, and you two are gonna call me Bethie .”

Trey’s dad, who might have preferred the formality, gives in and says, “Call me Mitch.”

The brunch itself goes by like an episode of a sitcom I never watched before. The parents sit next to each other, causing Trey to speak stiffer than he usually does. Cody laughs too hard at any attempted joke, especially Pete’s bad ones. Juniper, who sounds like she’s navigating her way out of a strange dream she’s trapped in whenever she talks, keeps interjecting with the oddest remarks. Bethie, just like her son, giggles manically at everything like she’s high—and for a reason I’m fairly sure is the same source of Trey’s deepening anxiety. The parents allegedly had a weekend of their own, though no one’s offering any details about it just yet, and Trey, like his father Mitch, has proven himself to be the type who won’t dig, but rather just stews and worries until someone puts him out of his misery. No one even mentions the eclectic and plentiful spread of food, except for a tiny, “Wow, I hope my stomach is bigger than my eyes,” from a dazed Juniper, much to Bethie’s tearful entertainment, who can’t stop giggling between sips of her fourth mimosa.

It isn’t until after the last chocolate croissant is taken that Bethie asks, “How much longer are you boys planning on staying in Spruce with us?”

Juniper was going for another sip of her juice and stops.

Anthony, the one who took the last croissant, now stares at it without taking a bite, as if forgetting he took it at all.

“Just another week or so, I think was the plan,” answers Pete, oblivious to their reactions. Then he glances at Cody across the table. “Don’t wanna overstay our welcome.”

“Overstay—?” comes Cody. “Stay the whole rest of the dang month if you want. We love havin’ you here. Right, Trey?”

His mouth was full. He swallows quickly to agree. “Of course, yes, you both add so much energy around here. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like.”

“Hell, move in if you want,” Cody goes on with a laugh. Trey glances at him sideways.

It’s Bethie who, despite her giggles and silliness earlier, keeps it real. “You boys probably have families and loved ones at home you need to get back to, huh?”

“Oh, my mom and pops do just fine without me there in the way,” says Pete with an offbeat chuckle. Then he nods at me. “This guy’s really close with his mom and younger brother. Ached him to leave them right after reuniting with them. Barely a week after getting discharged, we made the drive out here.”

Anthony looks at me after that.

“Really?” sings Bethie, her voice turning sad. “Oh, that’s not much time to spend with them at all. You could’ve delayed your trip here a bit longer, couldn’t you have?”

“Already delayed visiting Cody six years too long,” answers Pete for me. “I missed out seeing him marry the love of his life. Wasn’t gonna miss another day.”

“Oh,” murmurs Bethie, nodding slowly, then glancing back at me and lifting her eyebrows. “And you came along for support?”

I clear my throat and clarify. “My family’s doing fine. It’s just my mom’s been on her own for a long while, so I’m always worried about her wellbeing. My younger brother’s doing well. He teaches at the elementary school by our old neighborhood.”

“Oh, how darling,” sings Bethie, “a teacher. Hmm, he must be a young teacher, looking at you.”

“Twenty-five,” I confirm, “two years younger.”

“Mmm, darling,” she repeats with a happy smile.

Pete wags his butter knife between us. “We didn’t even know we grew up in neighboring towns ‘til we met in the Army. Kansas boys, both of us, less than an hour’s drive apart.”

“Kansas,” mutters Anthony to himself.

I glance his way.

Cody shifts in his seat. “Well, if you two want to extend your stay, you’re more than welcome to, as long as you want. And if you wanna stay even longer than that, just say the word, we’ll clear out the office, turn it back into a guestroom, get a bed, you name it. Not gonna make you sleep on that couch for a month,” he adds with a nod at me, “whether it’s like sleeping on a cloud or not.”

“Kansas,” mumbles Anthony again.

“I wanna make a toast,” says Pete, lifting his glass. “To good friends, good family, good times with them all, and finding home wherever your heart leads you.”

“Oh, he’s a poet,” murmurs Juniper with wonder, before the rest of the table clink their glasses, echoing his sentiments.

Anthony, too, though a bit distractedly.

It isn’t until after the table’s cleared and the others are lost in a chat about something funny that happened at the church this morning that I catch Anthony by the back door. “You alright?”

He’s staring vaguely through the glass. “Yeah.”

“Your head is someplace.”

“Was … just thinkin’ how happy I felt this weekend is all.”

I nod slowly, waiting for the rest. “That sounds like … a good thing to be thinking. Isn’t it?”

“You guys are going back home in a week? To … Kansas?”

“Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t think it’s decided yet.”

“What about your mom?” he asks, turning to me. “And your younger brother? Don’t they miss you?”

Juniper and Bethie cackle at something in the kitchen, and Pete shouts out in protest, red-faced and laughing too, while Trey and Cody shake their heads. I have no idea what it’s about.

“Are you afraid of me leaving?” I ask, getting to the point.

Anthony crosses his arms. “Nah. I knew it was comin’. I knew you’re just here for now. Whatever’s goin’ on between us, it’s just a … just a for-now kinda thing. I get it.”

“Anthony …”

“I’m gonna need you to fuck me every night, though,” he says as he stares out the window. “And hold me as tightly as you did last night when we fell asleep afterwards.”

I nearly laugh. “So that’s all I am to you, huh?” I tease him. “Just a guy to—” It feels wrong using this language in this house with two reverends nearby, but I bring my voice down and do it anyway. “—to fuck you hard while I’m here?”

“ And hold me tight.”

I put my arms around him suddenly, surprising him. “I know I’m a lot more than that to you. Why else would I have made you so angry all week? That’s what’s really been going on. You’ve been mad I didn’t kiss you the second we met at that gas station. Or confessed how cute you looked at church last Sunday, even if you were struggling to stay awake. Or how damned adorable you look in an apron, taking our orders at Gran’s Kitchen …”

“Shut up,” he mumbles—even as he melts into my embrace.

“And,” I go on, “I can hold you tightly no matter if we’re in bed falling asleep or standing right here by a door staring outside at nothing. I can hold you anywhere, anytime.”

Anthony peers over at the others, seems to realize they either don’t notice or don’t care what’s going on over here by the door, then turns back to the window. “I’m not starin’ at nothing.”

“What’re you staring at then?”

“Jefferson.”

I frown, looking outside. There’s nothing in the yard.

“My dog. He was the sweetest creature on this planet. I miss him so much.” He sighs. “Can see him runnin’ around in that yard out there, havin’ the time of his life. Barely been a year since he’s been gone, feels like yesterday he was here, barkin’ and bein’ a menace. I loved him so much. I think his death messed me up way more than I’ve ever admitted to myself. All this time without him. Time really just … flies on by. Fuckin’ time.”

My hold on him tightens. “Is that what you’re afraid of? Time? How fast it flies?”

“Afraid? No. I ain’t afraid of anything.”

“Really? Impressive.”

The teasing sarcasm is either ignored or goes over his head. “I was just wonderin’ if we could’ve known each other all this time … had I not injured myself in boot camp like a moron and actually made it into the Army.” He looks up at the sky, as if imagining it in detail. “What if we ended up in the same place? Could’ve been the three of us out there … you, me, Pete … maybe whatever it is that’s goin’ on right now between us, could’ve started years ago.”

“You’re playing the deadly ‘what if’ game,” I warn him.

“It ain’t deadly. I like playin’ it sometimes. Thinkin’ about how things could’ve been.”

“Better you didn’t meet me back then.”

He turns to look at me, breaking my hold on him. “What do you mean?”

The others burst into laughter in the kitchen again. I bite my lip, then nod at the door. “Wanna step outside with me? Maybe we can both use some fresh air.”

Anthony glances past me at the merry clique in the kitchen, then answers me by opening the door and seeing himself out. I go behind him, close the door, and follow him into the grass. It’s warm, but it’s a windy day, the trees dancing, the air feeling good and lively on our skin. The yard is sizeable with a small stone path that circles around to a few neatly-kept bushes and a family of funny-looking garden gnomes by the fence.

We stop under a tree. “What I mean,” I tell him, “is that I was fighting a few demons of my own these past several years.”

“Demons?” He snorts at that. “The hell kind of demons could a guy as put-together as you possibly have?”

“Demons from my dad.”

His eyes soften. “Your dick dad, huh?”

I give a solemn nod. “I went off to the Army shortly after he left, and I guess ghosts of his abuse followed me. I kept thinking he’d come back, and my mom would have a moment of weakness and accept him back, and the nightmare would start over. I didn’t want my brother to have to be the one to stand up to that drunken monster. Thoughts like that messed me up a lot. And some of the guys in my barracks, well, they weren’t all that sympathetic to me. Maybe I didn’t let them. I was too toughened up from dealing with my dad to appreciate anyone’s kindness. How Pete and I became friends, it’s still a mystery to me. Maybe he was just strong enough to tolerate how I was. Or patient enough. I think I may owe more to Pete for putting up with me than I’ve ever admitted to his face.” My hands find my pockets. I shrug. “I’m not sure I was all that nice a person to be around. I don’t think you would’ve liked me.”

Anthony leans back against the tree, appearing stirred by all of that. “Maybe I can say the same,” he mumbles half to himself. “I was a cocky little shit back in high school. I mean more than I still am now,” he adds as a joke, eyeing me. “I wouldn’t have wanted to be my friend or start anything with me. I needed time to grow up. I …” He sighs and casts his gaze to the grass. “Still need time. Some days, feels like I’ll never get my shit together.”

“You gotta have more faith in yourself, Anthony.”

“How can I? No one’s got faith in me. Not even my dad. He’s always been searching for pests his whole life, spraying trees and setting traps and sprinkling granules everywhere …” He stiffens up. “Should’ve looked closer to home. The pest is right here. Me. I’ve always been the pest.”

“You’re not a pest.”

“Yeah, I am.”

“And I have faith in you.” I take a step closer to him, then lift his chin with a finger, bringing his eyes to mine. “You hear that? I have faith in you.”

He stares deeply into my eyes, locked into me. I swear it takes so little sometimes, yet so much, to get through to him.

“Stay another week,” he says.

I lift my eyebrows.

“Stay,” he repeats. “I wanna keep goin’ on with this. Whatever it is, whatever this is. I want more of it.”

“So I can keep fucking you?” I ask dryly.

“You’re more than that n’ know it.” My finger is still under his chin. He takes it and brings my whole hand to the side of his face. “Keep doin’ this lovey-dovey shit I pretend to hate. Keep carin’ for me. It’s … somethin’ new I ain’t felt before.”

“Alright.”

“Alright? What’s that mean? ‘Alright’? You stayin’ longer?”

I chuckle, watching the near desperation playing over his face and charging up his bright blue eyes like an excitable puppy. “I’ll stay as long as I’m welcome.”

“Promise?”

His gooey-eyed optimism is almost too much. I decide to leave all the rest of either of our questions unasked and unanswered by going in for a kiss. Obviously it does the trick. Anthony melts into my face as his hands take hold of my sides, tugging on my shirt to bring our hips together. I’ll be honest, the fire is very much alive in my pants right now, and it takes an absurd amount of restraint for me to not just hump the shit out of him against this tree, likely in full view of everyone in the house.

I’m not sure I ever felt this way before.

Surrendering myself completely every time I kiss this man.

Allowing myself to be wanted as badly as Anthony wants me. Allowing myself the adoration he’s so willing to pour all over me.

He gives me a purpose I didn’t realize I craved so badly.

A purpose I thought I lost the moment I was discharged.

Is it crazy? To entertain the possibility of staying here in this town? To stay here and try my hand at a totally new life, free from the routines of Army life, free from the worries of protecting my mother and brother, who may not need my protection anymore?

Something about the idea appeals to me, to abandon all of my rules and follow my heart in this moment.

But something else makes me panic.

To realize how reckless it is. How careless. This fiery thing I’ve got going with Anthony, can’t it fizzle out as quickly as it sparked to life? This guy who doesn’t even have his own life sorted out? A complete roll of the dice, dictating my life’s course?

To let go of everything I know, everything I trusted, and take a ticket to board this Hot Mess Express?