Page 33 of Home Again

"Yeah, I think so. It was easy enough." Joel wasn’t giving me much, but he was still here.

It wasn’t until I went to turn the camera back on that I realized I hadn’t actually turned it off, which meant it had recorded what happened, the kiss. I wondered if I should tell Joel but decided against it. After all, I always deleted all the footage once I uploaded the videos. I would commit that kiss to memory and erase it from any real evidence. Maybe that way I could just pretend it had been a dream.

I joined Joel behind the worktop to resume filming. Cutting a slice of the chocolate salami, I explained how the pattern made by the broken biscuits was what gave the dessert its name, and as the guest baker, Joel got to taste it.

"Wow, this is delicious. I think everybody should try this at home. You won't regret it." He sounded so enthusiastic, but I could hear the strain in his voice and the effort he was making to appear that way.

I finished the video with the regular reminders and turned the camera off, for real this time, then started wrapping the salami. I was afraid to look at Joel and see the tension in his eyes, so instead of talking about what had happened, I only asked if he still wanted to take the salami home.

"I'm going to head off if you don't need me anymore." Joel grabbed his stuff and walked toward the door before turning back only slightly. "Are you still coming on Saturday? To the memorial service?" he asked in a reserved voice that did not suit him.

"Yes, of course I am. My aunt is coming too."

He simply nodded and left my apartment without another word.

I was left rooted to the spot, confused and worried. My heart felt like lead. The last time we kissed, I didn't see Joel for thirteen years. I knew he wouldn't go away now. We had planned our trip, and I knew he wouldn't back out from it, but something in my gut was telling me that my indulgence today had broken our budding friendship. I just hoped it wasn’t beyond repair.