Page 73 of Him Too

I didn’t speak. I just crossed the room and pulled her into my arms, holding her tight. She didn’t complain. She just held me back, her hands rubbing soothing circles on my back.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, my voice breaking. “I’m so sorry, Jordin. Please don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she promised. “I’m here, Ciarán. I’m not leaving you.”

We stayed like that until the tears stopped and the ache dulled to something bearable. She led me to the bedroom and held me until I fell asleep.

But sleep didn’t last.

I woke up hours later, mind racing, body restless. I slipped out of bed and went back to the pool. The night air was cool, the water still and dark.

I heard his heavy footfalls approaching.

“Ciarán,” Oak said, his voice low and hesitant.

I didn’t look up. I just stared at the water, fists clenched on my knees.

It's your fault,the voice in my head repeated.

I felt Oak watching me. He stood for a moment, debating. Finally, he sat on the edge of the pool a few feet away. He didn’t speak at first, just stared at the water with me.

“I’m sorry about your loss,” he said after a long silence. His voice was quiet, but there was something in his tone that made me look up.

“You don’t have to do that,” I said, my voice rough. “You don’t have to pretend you care.”

“Honestly, I don’t give a fuck about you, but Jordin does, and I don’t want her hurting,” he said, meeting my eyes.

“Damn, tell me how you really feel,” I chuckled.

He chuckled back. “I read about you and your father. I don’t know what your feelings are, but… I know what it’s like to lose someone complicated.”

I stared, surprised by his honesty. “What do you mean?”

He sighed, running a hand over his face. “My grandfather. He died a few years back. My father hated him—used to tellstories about how abusive he was. But to me and my brother? He was just Grandpa. He taught us how to fish, how to throw a football. He was… different with us. Kinder.”

I listened.

“When he died,” Oak continued, “it hurt. Bad. But my dad? He didn’t shed a tear. Just said he was finally free. And I… I couldn’t even grieve. Not without feeling like I was betraying my father.”

I looked away, my throat tight. “That’s fucked up.”

“Yeah,” Oak said. “It is. But that’s family, right? You love them, you hate them, and when they’re gone, you don’t know how to feel. You just… feel everything at once.”

I nodded. That was exactly it. Everything at once. “I didn’t want him dead,” I said, my voice breaking. “I didn’t like him, but I didn’t want him dead. And now… I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m… I don’t even know.”

Oak was quiet for a moment, choosing his words. “You don’t have to figure it out right now,” he said. “It’s okay to just… feel it. Even if it doesn’t make sense.”

I laughed, though I shouldn’t have. “Will I be as wise as you when I’m old as you?”

“Fuck you,” he laughed.

I blew out a breath.

“Thanks,” I said. “For coming out here. Under the circumstances.”

He nodded, stood, and walked away.

I turned back to the pool. The water was dark and smooth as glass. My reflection stared back—a hollow-eyed stranger, burned down to embers.