Page 99 of Here We Go Again

She doesn’t deserve Joe or Rosemary. She doesn’t deserve anything good. She hates herself in this moment, but she looks at Remy and says, “Yeah. Burgers.”

That’s how she ends up in the Whataburger drive-through in the middle of a panic attack.

She’s fully numb, and she barely registers the drive down Belleville Boulevard and into the fast-food parking lot. When they rollup to the window, Remy orders enough fries, burgers, and small unsweetened teas to feed an army before turning to her. “And what are you having?”

Logan leans closer to the open driver’s-side window. The thought of food makes her empty stomach heave again, but she has the vaguest notion that it’s lunchtime. That food might help ease the jitters. She orders a fry, burger, and large Coke.

“What the fuck is this?” she asks five minutes later when Remy passes along her drink.

“Your large Coke.”

“This isn’t large.” She can’t even wrap her hands around the cup and the absurd sight of it yanks her out of her fugue state. “Why would anyone want two gallons of soda?”

“This is clearly your first encounter with Southern fast-food sizes.”

“Why didn’t you warn me?”

“I thought you wanted a large!” Remy yells back at her. For the first time since she met him, he sounds irritated. “I didn’t want to shame your food choices!”

“Whoa. Are you okay?”

“Of course I’m not okay!” Remy slams his open palm against the steering wheel as he pulls away from the window and into a parking spot. “None of this is okay!”

Logan watches as his hands curl around the wheel and squeeze. “I thought you never got angry,” she says.

“I am angry,” he says, but he only sounds sad. “Joe walked out of my life thirty years ago like we meant nothing, and now he’s walked back into it just so he can leave again. I’m really fucking angry.” Remy takes a deep breath and swipes one hand over his face. “And I’m hurt. I’m heartbroken. I love him so much—I never stopped loving him. But I’m so mad at him, and I feel guilty for being mad because he’s going to die.”

He starts to cry, and for a moment, Logan doesn’t know what todo. But then she thinks of Rosemary, and she simply reaches out. Places her hand on Remy’s shoulder and lets him cry.

“How can I be so happy that I had the chance to say goodbye and so goddamn furious with him for coming back into my life just to fucking die?”

She wants to be able to comfort him, but she doesn’t even know how to comfort herself. “Because life is a prickly pear,” she tries. “It’s always going to be beautiful and painful.”

Remy smiles softly at her. “You sound like Joe.”

They both sit in silence for a moment while Remy dries his eyes on a Whataburger napkin. “You should eat your lunch,” he eventually says. “Before it gets cold.”

Logan reaches into the bag. Her burger is the size of a hubcap. “This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen!” And somehow, the comically large food makes her burst out laughing, and then Remy is laughing too, and maybe crying again. They both laugh-cry so hard and so long, they can’t even see each other over the Gay Mobile’s center console.

Chapter Thirty

LOGAN

By the time they get back from Whataburger, the hospital has moved Joe again. This time, he’s on the second floor. When they step off the elevator, there’s a blue wall in front of them, words painted in white.

And I think to myself what a wonderful world.

Their arms are full of Whataburger, and Remy insists on feeding every nurse on Joe’s floor before he goes to see Joe himself. “Are you coming?” Remy asks, reaching out a hand to Logan so they can go into Joe’s hospital room together.

She wants to be there for Remy. She wants to be there for Rosemary, who must be so lonely at Joe’s bedside. She wants to be there for Joe. But she can’t make her feet move toward that hallway.

Logan waves away Remy’s hand. “Actually… I-I should go home and check on Odie. He’s been alone all morning, and I’m sure he’s scared.”

Remy doesn’t break eye contact. “When you’re ready, Logan.”

She’s not sure she’ll ever be ready. This was always a death trip; death was always going to be the destination. But Logan has been taking detours and scenic routes, like the right highway might spare them from it.

She drives back to Remy’s in a daze and finds Odie lying by the front door like he’s waiting for Joe to come home. A vat of Coke sloshes around in her stomach as she puts on his leash and takes him outside.