Page 20 of Her Fire Master (Master Me #5)

L ia

The trouble with anger is that when it goes away, there’s often a worse feeling underneath. Anger hides the true emotion. Often it’s fear, like when I bluster and bluff my way through things.

Right now it’s heartache.

Because breaking up with Blaze is the worst thing I’ve done.

That’s not true. Burning down the house was the worst thing. But splitting with Blaze comes in as a close second.

My heart is a sunken stone, far below my solar plexus, but not quite to my bowels. It’s sloshing around in my stomach, making it impossible for me to eat. Or walk. Or move really.

Which is why I spent the past three days in bed.

The guys from CrossFit texted to find out why I no-showed—because I never no-show unless I’m on shift.

The worst of it? Today’s my birthday.

Worst birthday of my life.

I have to drag myself out of this bed and get to my parents’ house, but eating my mom’s home-cooked food and listening to the banter of my overbearing family is the last thing I want to do.

I should tell them I got called in to cover a shift.

No, my mom would just insist on rescheduling for tomorrow.

My phone rings. I check the screen. It’s my cousin, Talia. She’s probably the only person in the world I would answer the phone for right now. I swipe my screen. “Hey, girl.”

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you?—”

“Yeah, thanks.” I cut in before she can finish singing the whole damn song.

She must catch the heaviness in my tone, because she immediately drops the chipper thing. “What’s wrong?”

“Ugh,” is all I can say.

“Is that a guy-related ugh or a job-related ugh ?”

“Kinda both.”

“So a captain-related ugh .”

“You nailed it.”

“What happened?”

“Well, the douche took me off the schedule and signed me up for a two-month training to become a fire inspector—without asking.”

“Okaaaay.” My cousin draws out the last syllable, like she’s not sure what my problem is. Well, of course she doesn’t. Because she’s missing some key information. Information I wasn’t planning on sharing. Except I really need a friend right now.

“Here’s the thing. He signed me up because he thinks I have a problem. With fire. He’s been trying to fix me this whole time. I don’t even know if we were really dating. I mean we were having crazy kinky sex but?—”

“But what?” she prompts when I stop.

“But it was like... punishment sex. Kinky shit. He offered to help me, um…” I break off, unsure how to go on. “Talia, I have to tell you something.” My voice breaks. “Something awful. Something I did that’s really unforgivable.”

“Okay, honey. Just tell me. Say it fast and get it over with.”

“I set the fire that burned my family’s house down.”

I hear her exhale through the phone, but her words stun me. “I know.”

My heartbeat seems to echo off the walls. Blood rushes in my ears. “You… know?”

“Everyone knows. You were always funky with matches. Squirrelling them away. Lighting them in your room. It was an accident, though. Right? You didn’t purposely?—”

“Of course I didn’t!” I interrupt. My brain in still stuttering on her words. “What do you mean everyone knows?”

“I don’t know, it was sort of one of those family agreements to never mention it to you, because you probably felt bad enough. No one wanted you to think you were responsible for the house burning down. Even though the fire inspector found the fire started in your garbage can.”

I don’t realize I’m crying until tears drip down my chin. “They did?” I ask through my tight throat.

“It’s okay, Lia. No one blames you. But what does this have to do with your captain? You told him and now he wants you to be a fire inspector?”

I sniff and swipe at the tears on my face with the back of my hand. “Basically, yes. He knows about the fire and he knew I felt guilty. So he’s been…”

“He’s been what?”

“Punishing me.” This is really fucking embarrassing.

“Oh. Wow. That is kinky. Did you like it?”

“Um, yeah. Definitely. But then he signed me up for this job. And I found out about his last girlfriend—he jumped in to be her birth coach and the surrogate father to her baby. You see? He has a rescuer complex. And I’m just another project to be fixed.”

“Yeah, I see. That sucks. So did you tell him to back off?”

“I told him to get lost.”

Talia goes silent for a moment. I switch the phone from one ear to the other, then back again. “And now you miss him?”

Damn. How does she always get this shit right?

“I don’t know,” I lie. “I mean, it’s not like we had anything worth hanging onto, right?”

“Hmm. That sounds like your head talking. But I’m guessing your heart says something different.”

Said organ gives a squeeze, as if to prove her right.

“Well, let’s talk this through. I mean, you liked some of it. You liked the kinky sex. You didn’t mind him fixing you when he was doling out your punishment, right?”

My heart picks up speed at the truth of her words. “Yeah.”

“But he overstepped with the job thing. Was that as a boss or as a boyfriend?”

I rub my ear. “Not sure. Both, I guess.”

“Does that interest you?”

“Maybe,” I admit. “But he should’ve asked.”

“No question there,” Talia assures me. “Are you going to go do the training? When is it?”

“Next week. And yeah, I guess. I mean, Blaze took me off the schedule, anyway. I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to pay the rent.” Except deep down I’m quite sure Blaze would’ve come to my rescue on that, too. And he would’ve enjoyed it.

And this time, the thought doesn’t piss me off. It just makes my chest ache. Whether it’s for Blaze or myself, I’m not sure.

Blaze

“I can’t help this time,” I snarl into the phone and end the call. Everyone and his brother wants me to help them move. This time it was Scott, who is helping out some friend I’ve never met.

Fuck that shit.

Lia was right. I have a savior complex. Correction: I had a savior complex. No more. I’m over it. I don’t need to equate my self-worth to being everyone’s knight in shining armor.

Putting out fires is enough. I don’t need to rescue Samantha, or my parents, or my neighbors or my co-workers’ friends.

Lia is another story.

I do still want to be her knight.

Is that totally wrong? I guess it is.

I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to fix this.

I definitely thought I was doing what was best for Lia.

I still do. But I also pushed my own agenda because it conveniently solved a couple of my own issues—namely, the illegal nature of our relationship, and me worrying for her safety.

I called Inspector Patton to report Lia wasn’t feeling well and asked to reschedule the job shadowing. I haven’t cancelled her training for fire inspector, but I can. I’ll lose half the fee, but I don’t give a shit about that. But none of that solves my real dilemma. How to win Lia back.

Because despite my resolve to back down and give her space, to stay out of her life if she wants, I can’t.

I’m not giving up yet.

So now I have to figure out how to get a second chance. How to get a face-to-face to apologize. How to convince her I won’t steamroll her life again.

But what if I do?

Damn, that thought keeps gutting me. What if she is better off without me?

No.

She couldn’t have faked what we had in bed. And clarity comes seeping in.

That’s where I went wrong. I took something that she enjoyed sexually—being submissive, calling me daddy, letting me call the shots—and I took it out of the bedroom. Into real life. And in doing so, I stripped her of her dignity.

And the worst part is it made her question my motives for everything. She thinks I see her as less-than, when she’s anything but.

But how do I get her to see it’s not true? Just telling her won’t be enough. She has to believe it.