Page 16 of Heartbeat Highway (Love Along Route 14)
L ily
I can’t do this.
We arrive at the venue with barely a minute to spare. As one, we race off the bus to make it to sound check. I had to turn my phone off while we rehearsed the two new songs we’re going to add, since K cannot seem to take a fricking hint.
Sound check goes smoothly enough. Dan takes most of the microphone time, then has me sing a few notes of “Free Falling” for warm up. We tune and practice the new songs.
Being onstage like this isn’t so bad. It’s casual. The only people in the audience—we’re playing in a field with some folding chairs set up in front and a large picnic space behind—are crew, who are setting up for the concert.
If I keep my focus on the band, I’m okay. Dan and Maxim and Bo cue me seamlessly, rolling over my mistakes and covering for me.
I’m going to screw this up. While we practice, I can drown out K’s negative voice in my head, but I know it’s going to come back. It always comes back.
We hustle offstage after sound check, all of us dehydrated and exhilarated.
Bo hands me a water bottle and kisses my cheek. All these little gestures from him. I hadn’t realized how badly I wanted it. K was demonstrative, but it was never in a way that seemed to be for me. He was demonstrative in a performative sense. “You were great.”
I don’t reply, just hold the bottle in my hands and wring it, making the paper crinkle against the plastic.
“I don’t know. I guess it was okay, but there were only like thirty people in the audience.
What am I going to do when there’s a whole crowd, disappointed that I’m not K? I’m not some hot, shirtless guy?”
“We can take our shirts off if that makes you more comfortable,” Maxim says. He pulls up the hem of his tee, exposing his very fine set of abs. “It’ll be Howl’s new thing. Shirtless men and curvy goddess lead.”
Dan drains an entire bottle of water. “Could work.”
“I don’t really want Lily staring at all of you shirtless,” Bo says. “Gimmick or no.”
I can’t believe they’re even contemplating this.
“Guys, look, I appreciate it, but I’m not who you need up there.
” This feels like the weight of a thousand truths.
I’m not good enough in law school. I’m passing, but that’s not how you make it to the big firms. Some of my friends who graduated in the low- middle of their class aren’t even practicing law.
Two work at Target and the other works for his dad’s shipping business.
I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend to K. Not enough to make him not cheat.
I’m not a good enough friend to Bo. I had sex with him in a public place, and now he’s being all sweet, and I made him lose his lead singer, and I’m going to fuck this up.
“Lily?” Bo’s hand on my shoulder is warm and heavy, and I want so badly to curl up in him. “I see the spiral. Breathe.”
“I can’t.” I whirl around, looking at all the other bands assembled here.
The women are all gorgeous and impossibly cool.
These are musicians and artists. I don’t fit in here.
I don’t fit in with Bo. “What am I going to do? Even if I sing here with you tonight, I can’t stay.
I have to be at my internship on Monday.
” And with a thud, I realize that it’s the last thing I want to do.
I don’t really know what I want, but I don’t want to hustle at a corporate law firm all summer.
I don’t want to kiss ass, all while knowing I’m not good enough for them to hire me after I graduate.
But I can’t stay here, either. I don’t belong here. Even if I can pull it together to sing tonight, they’ll find someone else. Someone better. Someone who won’t break up their band.
And Bo? Bo deserves better, too.
“I need a minute,” I say, and run anywhere else.