Page 5 of Heart of the Race

FIVE

I waited around the next morning, but by the time noon rolled around, I was wishing I had taken Graham up on his offer to spend the night with him instead of going home. But I had promised Aidric I would be there, so I was going to be a stand-up guy; it was kind of annoying to get blown off when I could have gotten blown the night before.

As I was heading out to meet Graham for a late lunch, Varro’s number appeared on my caller ID.

“Hey.” I smiled into the phone. “This is weird timing.”

He cleared his throat. “Bri.”

I waited, but there was only silence, and because of that, I stopped on the cobblestone path between my little pale-blue California bungalow and the street. Varro was never quiet. He was big and loud and vibrant and… that was missing. “V?”

“Did you talk to Aidric?”

“What?”

“Just—did you?”

“Varro?”

“Brian!”

“No, I mean, we talked, but he was going to— Where are you?”

No answer.

But because I knew him so well, so thoroughly, I understood. “What did you do? Come chasing after Aidric?”

“No.”

“Yes, you did. Where is he?”

He coughed softly. “He went back to his farm this morning.”

“Because you what? Threatened him?”

“What?” His voice went up way too high.

Uh-huh. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” Varro lied, and because I knew him, I could tell.

“Where are you?”

“I’m at the airport.”

I absorbed that. “If you were leaving, why didn’t you just go?”

He was silent again.

“V?”

“I just thought it was a shame to come all the way from Malta and not say hello.”

“I would think so,” I huffed. “God, you’re an ass.”

“Me?” he flared. “What about you?”

“I haven’t done anything!” I was incredulous.

“No, you haven’t,” he agreed snidely. “Nothing at all.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Christ, no one wound me up as fast as Varro! I was so calm and serene ninety percent of the time. Only with him did I turn into a crazy person.

“You left me.”

How he could fill three little words with so much hurt and surprise and anger all at the same time, I had no idea. “I always said I was going to find a place and settle down, and you—it was a year ago, asshole.”

“I know precisely how long ago it was.”

“You were fine with it.”

“I thought you were coming back when the new season started.”

“Why?”

“I just did.”

“You just did?” What the hell kind of logic was that? “That’s ridiculous.”

“But you showed me, huh?”

“It’s been a year!” I retorted. “We talked on the— How can you be mad now when you weren’t mad then? That makes zero sense.”

“I was always mad.”

“You were always mad? That’s crap. How come you never said anything?”

“What was there to say?”

“What’s there to say now?”

Silence.

“Varro?”

“There’s nothing to say,” he said quietly. “So I guess I’ll?—”

“Don’t you dare hang up the phone,” I snarled, absolutely furious with him.

“Why? You just said?—”

“You have been a shitty friend,” I swore, passing judgment.

“Me? If one of us has been a total prick, believe me, baby, it’s you.”

“Don’t call me ‘baby,’” I stated petulantly, feeling the anger surging up from my gut. “And you don’t even know what I’ve done!”

“You mean with your business, with Chameleon, that you never asked me to help you with? Is that what you’re talking about?”

“Help me?” I was livid, his words just fanning the flames.

“Yes, Brian, that’s what you do when you have a best friend. You call them and announce the big events in your life! You ask them to invest time and money, to help with funds to get the place off the ground! You ask them to come and be with you so you don’t go insane, because just seeing them grounds you and makes it so you can breathe.”

He lost me at the last part, and my brain shorted out. Instantly baffled, shocked out of my anger. “What?”

“Oh fuck off. Don’t play dumb. You know better, and you didn’t tell me on purpose.”

It was true. I’d been busy, yes, but I’d also made the conscious choice not to contact him. But that wasn’t the part I was confused about. “I knew better?” I repeated his words.

“Of course you did,” he sounded hurt and snide at the same time.

“You would have come to help me?”

“I would do anything for you!”

“Anything?”

“Do you doubt that?”

I did and didn’t.

“Brian?”

“That’s not fair,” I said, because there were things he wouldn’t, couldn’t, abide.

“It’s the truth and you fuckin’ know it!”

I had to think.

“When you were there—when I had you and the racing…” He sounded so wistful. “God, Brian.”

“I hate it when you say shit like that,” I exploded. “Don’t treat me like I’m this great fucking love of yours when you know that’s all I ever wanted!”

Silence.

And after a long moment, it dawned on me what I had let pour from my soul and finally escape my lips.

Dear God.

I needed to pull the words back, but it was done and they were out there and there was no turning back time. I was standing naked in public, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it.

“What?” Varro was nonplused. I’d definitely surprised him.

Oh God. “Just?—”

“You love me?”

“Of course!” I seized on the chance to fix it. “You, Nico, your?—”

“No. That’s crap, Brian. That’s not what you meant.”

And it wasn’t.

“If it’s true?—”

“If?” I ground out. “There’s no if .”

He made a noise like he wasn’t sure. “Well, again, if that’s true, you sure have a shitty way of showing it.”

It took me a second because it was hard to listen and hope your head didn’t explode at the same time. “ What ?”

“You love me, but we’re apart. How does that make sense? Are you sure you know what you’re talking about?”

I hung up, because how dare he!

The year I spent on the road, I was great to him. I made sure everybody in his whole goddamn entourage loved me. I could not have been any nicer, any kinder, or any more helpful. I got messages and emails when I left, the whole we miss you and it’s not the same without you crap. I had made the trailer my home for the time I spent there, had filled it with things I knew he would want from heavy mugs to blankets to plants. How was I not the best friend ever?

My phone vibrated to let me know I had a text message.

It said simply, Who did you do that for?

The fact he knew me well enough to text not only a question, but the counterpoint to what I was thinking, was beyond maddening.

I growled as I hit the button to call him back.

“Everything I did, I did for you!”

“Bullshit! You did it for you!” he roared.

“What?” I was stunned. “Have you lost your fucking mind?”

“You did it so there’d be a big-ass fuckin’ hole in my world when you left.”

“Varro.”

“You wanted to make sure I saw it, make sure I felt it.”

“ Varro .”

“That I couldn’t miss it.”

“You—” I began.

“And guess what, Brian? I already knew it would be just fuckin’ like that!”

“God, I hate you!”

“Whenever you’re not with me, I feel it.” The way his voice cracked deflated all my anger. “And you don’t hate me one bit, and that’s the problem.”

There was a long silence where neither of us said a word.

“So you don’t just love me, you’re in love with me?” Varro sounded so out of it. Not quite lost, but it was a close thing.

I was suddenly freezing, pacing up and down on the cobblestone walk. I must have looked like a lunatic to anyone walking by my house.

“Brian?”

“Can’t you just?—”

“That’s what you said.” He was making sure. “That’s what you meant.”

“Can’t we just leave it alone? You don’t want?—”

“You have no idea what I want or don’t want, because you just decided for me and then left me all alone.”

“Varro, I left so you wouldn’t have to deal with me wanting you anymore, and that’s the bottom line. You know it and I know it.”

“And whoever said you couldn’t have that?”

“Have that . Have you . That’s what we’re talking about. Make no mistake, we’re talking about me having you,” I confessed, and I could hear the scratchy desperation in my voice. I was so scared and suddenly, ridiculously, so hopeful at the exact same time.

“I know.”

“I—”

“No, Brian,” he said gruffly. “You don’t get to keep making decisions. We’re done with that.”

“What does that mean?”

Several beats of time went by, of silence.

“I missed you when you left.”

“I missed you too,” I said automatically, since it was the truth and it sounded like he was going to let us get back to normal.

“No, you’re not hearing me. I didn’t miss you like I used to. It was different.”

My knees wobbled, and I had to sit down. It was lucky my front porch steps were there.

“I think about you all the time, Brian,” he murmured, and I could hear the pain in his voice.

I didn’t trust mine to come out as anything but a strangled gasp.

“But then I got scared, because, holy shit, right? I mean, you’re it . You’re my best friend and my conscience, you know all my secrets, and you still love me. What if I fuck it up and then you’re really gone? What am I supposed to do then?”

He sounded so lost. “Please wait at the airport,” I rasped. “I’ll come get you.”

“What?”

“You’re at LAX, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then wait. I’m coming now.”

“No.” He sounded certain, and my heart seized.

“Don’t leave,” I begged. “Don’t race away from me.”

“What’re you?—”

“Please.”

“Brian, I have no intention of leaving you.”

He didn’t? “You’re not?”

“No. I don’t think we’re made to be apart.”

Always, my whole life, the man had been able to devastate me with his words.

“Do you love me?” I held my breath waiting for his answer.

“Yes.”

I plunged ahead. “Not like a brother.”

“No, not like that.”

I was back to being able to push air through my lungs.

“Like you want to be with me and sleep with me.”

“Yes.”

“Varro,” I whispered, because my voice had bottomed out on me.

“I love you. I’ve always loved you. I just didn’t know I did.”

And my life, just then, at that second, finally started. I stood up, walked down the steps, and then halfway down the path, lifting my face to the sun.

“Brian?”

“You do?” I asked shakily, a new emotion rolling through me. Hope.

“I do. I’m sorry. Turns out I’m kinda clueless. Forgive me.”

“Varro—”

“And then I was scared, ’cause, like I said, what if I lost you and then that was it?” His voice sounded like his throat was full of broken glass. “Can’t come back from that. Nothing would ever be the same.”

I missed things sometimes, and the fact he was really hurt had flown right over my head. “I left to punish you,” I confessed.

“I know.”

“And it worked.”

“Yes, it did.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re all I have. You’re the only one who knows me,” Varro admitted.

“You have your family. They love you.”

“But you get me. You know how my mind works. You see all of me.”

“And now you know why.”

He muttered something.

“What was that?” I pinned him down.

“I said yeah, I know why.”

“Do you?”

“Again, I’m not fuckin’ stupid.”

The whimper was involuntary. “Please, just?—”

“Shut up. I’ll be right there. Just wait for me, all right? Don’t take off again.”

“I’m home—where the hell am I gonna go?”

“Maybe somewhere with that guy,” he grumbled.

“What guy?”

“You don’t know your own guy?”

“I don’t have a guy.”

“I think you do.”

I was at a loss, and then it hit me. What it would have looked like if he saw it from the outside looking in. “How do you know about Graham?”

“Oh, so suddenly you remember his name?”

“I always—how do you know who he is?”

“I saw you with him last night.”

“You did?”

“Yeah.”

“And you didn’t come see me. You didn’t come and talk to me.”

“No.”

“Why the fuck not?” I flared angrily, shocked that he would stay away from me. He was never allowed to be in close proximity to me and not be seen, heard, touched.

“You were kissing him, and I— I’ve never seen you kiss anyone before.”

“Okay.”

“It was weird.”

“Weird, gross?” I fished.

“No.”

“Weird how?”

“Weird how pissed I was at you.”

“Pissed at me?”

“Yeah.”

“Why the fuck would you be pissed at me?”

“Because you were kissing him!” He sounded disgusted.

“Are you even listening to yourself?”

“Yes, I’m— Why would it matter?”

“You know why.”

I said what I hoped he was thinking. “Because I don’t kiss other men, I don’t fuck other men. I only do that with you.”

“That’s right.”

It felt like the ground fell out from under me, and my body, which had been cold out in the December air, flushed with heat.

Oh, please, God, let me be awake.

“I’ve never been possessive or jealous or?—”

“But you are now.”

“Yes.”

I had to push; I couldn’t help it. “Because?”

“Because you belong to me, Brian, make no mistake. You always have.”

He was right and we both knew it. There was no argument to be made.

“It has to be all or nothing,” I insisted.

“Oh, I know.” He was placating me.

“What does that mean?” And now I was annoyed.

“It means that’s how you are, Bri. Don’t you think I know that?”

His voice, the way it broke, like his heart was aching, made me catch my breath. I wanted to see him almost desperately. “Were you really leaving?”

“I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m winging it.”

The sultry rumble made my stomach flutter.

“Did you come chasing after Aidric?”

“Yeah. I didn’t want him to be the first one to talk to you. I wanted it to be me.”

“But?”

“But he doesn’t want me to race anymore without you, and so he came to talk you into coming back. I mean, I get it. Everyone’s always liked me better when you’re there. You make me nice and cautious and vigilant about my safety.”

“Is that right?”

“Screw you.”

“And you’re saying, everybody likes you that way?”

“I could do without you being so pleased with yourself.”

“Me?” I went for surprise, unsure if it was coming off. “Whatever do you mean?”

“You’re a good influence on me,” he snapped irritably. “That’s the general consensus.”

“Who knew,” I husked.

After a frustrated huff of air, he muttered, “I did.”

I chuckled. “Is that right?”

He grunted.

It felt so good to talk to him, so normal. “I missed you so bad.”

“I know you did.”

The man was insufferable. “You could say you missed me too.”

“But you know that, so why do I have to say it?”

“Varro—”

“Just wait for me. I’ll be right there,” he grumbled and hung up.

I stood there for a moment staring at my phone before turning and walking back up to the house. I sat down on the top step and realized I was trembling.

It was weird to be terrified and flooded with happiness at the same time. Head down between my knees, I worked to calm myself, trying not to hyperventilate.

Part of me was angry. How dare he pop back into my life again and pull the rug out from under me? I deserved my place, my home, my life. I wouldn’t be homeless again. I couldn’t be. It would break me.

The other half, the half that had spent a lifetime in love with my best friend, was in heaven.

I had to think.

I breathed in the smell of the ocean and coming rain. I focused on the sounds of people rushing by on the sidewalk and the wind kicking around the leaves on my front lawn. All the normal helped me slowly pull back all the pieces of my heart that had exploded like shrapnel. When I felt the stillness settle in me, I called Graham to give him my apologies.

“Okay, no lunch,” he said, chuckling. “So, dinner, then?”

“I don’t think so,” I replied honestly. “Varro is actually in town and?—”

“Wait.”

“What?”

“You’re saying the guy you said last night that you weren’t sure if you’d ever see again, ever, he’s suddenly in town?” he asked and sounded just a bit snide. “Do I have that right?”

“You do.” I laughed because, really, and always, Varro’s timing was for shit.

“That’s very interesting.”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean I’m getting conflicting messages here, Brian.”

“In what way?”

“Are you kidding? What is this guy to you?”

“Exactly what I told you. He used to be my best friend, and really, he still is.”

“How do things just change overnight?”

“They just do with Varro,” I groaned and then added, “He’s the worst.” But even I could hear how fondly the words came out.

“It sounds like that’s all right with you.”

“It was for a long time and then it wasn’t.”

“And now?”

“Now I don’t know,” I confessed because my life was in free fall at the moment. No telling where I was going to land.

“So everything you said last night was a lie.”

“No,” I explained. “It was all true then. I thought he was gone. Today he’s not, he’s here, and everything’s different.”

“So he never actually said that he was out of your life.”

“No, he didn’t.”

“And now what? He says jump and you say how high?”

“It’s not like that. I wanna see him.”

“You want to?”

“Of course. Always.”

He must have been mulling that over, because there was a momentary lull. “And you and I have what?”

“You lost me.”

“What do we have, Brian? What is this that we’re doing?”

“We’re spending time together. Dating.”

“It’s a little more than that.”

“But it’s not serious,” I made clear, because being less than honest served no one.

“It’s not?”

“It just started.”

“Brian.” His voice dropped. “I really like you.”

“And I like you too, or we wouldn’t be dating.”

“The way you are, the way you see the world the way it could be and not just the way it is, is a really amazing gift.”

That was nice. “I appreciate that, Graham.”

“It just sounds like this Varro guy is bad news. Like he brings you down.”

“No, he doesn’t,” I said softly, and even I could hear the adoration in my voice. “He’s been there my whole life.”

“Until now.”

“Yeah.”

He cleared his throat. “You missed him.”

“I did.”

“Brian,” he sighed. “I need you to let me come over there.”

“Just to have you leave when he gets here? That makes no sense.”

“You’re not hearing me.”

All the men in my life had gone insane. “Can I just call you tonight?”

“No,” he said after a moment. “I’ll call you next week, all right? See if you’re still in the same place to start something with me.”

That was fair. I had no idea what I was or wasn’t going to be like even in another thirty minutes let alone a week from now. Varro was coming to see me. What would my life look like after he showed up?

“I want to be with you, Brian, but if you’re not ready to take that step… what am I supposed to do?”

“I understand.”

“No, Brian, that’s not what I want. I don’t want you to understand and be nice and let me walk out of your life. I want you to fight. I mean, do you ever do that? Do you ever yell and make demands and hold someone else accountable? Christ, do you ever get mad? Do you ever get excited or frantic or?—”

“You’ve seen me be all those things. Of course I?—”

“No,” he said firmly. “I’ve barely seen any emotion from you at all. At first I thought it was cool that you were so unflappable, but now I see it for what it really is.”

“And what’s that?”

“You just don’t care.”

“You’re wrong,” I said flatly.

“No. I mean, you explained about the foster homes before?—”

“Wait, now?—”

“And maybe that’s what you did. Maybe that’s how you handled it. You just shut down and turned off and insulated yourself from?—”

“I’m gonna hang up now, Graham, before I say something I shouldn’t.”

“Even in bed you’re so sedate, so calm, so… I don’t normally have to ask a lover if the sex was good—I can usually tell.”

He was judging me, and I hated it. “Bye, Graham.”

“Wait. Just?—”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t exciting enough for you.”

“Whatever. If that’s what you heard, that’s what you heard. But you can’t go through your life with everything being fine , Brian. I’ve never met anyone as calm as you. You’re not truly passionate about anything.”

“Then why even pursue a relationship with me?”

“Because like I said, the world through your eyes is a wondrous place full of possibility and hope, and of course, there’s the challenge to see if I could actually bring some life and heat out of you. I feel like if you just let yourself love and be loved in return, then?—”

“Thanks, Graham, I appreciate the advice. Why don’t you call me next week, and we’ll have lunch or something.”

“Brian?”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll try and remember to do that,” he said and hung up.

I swallowed down the quick ache and then braced my hands behind me. Stretching my legs out in front of me on the three steps, I sat there and waited for Varro Dacien to show up.