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Page 52 of Gym Bros (Bay Area Bros #2)

CALYX

M arcus’s text feels like a flash burn.

Marcus

He knows. He saw our texts. I’m sorry.

I don’t respond. What can I say? I drop my phone next to me on the couch and lie down, curling into the fetal position, and try to breathe.

I’ve arrived at the worst-case scenario. Not that any way Samuel found out would have been better than any other way. That’s why he was never supposed to know.

The texts Marcus and I exchanged weren’t even all that revealing, but I suppose they were revealing enough, and Samuel’s always suspected his dad was up to something.

Marcus called me angel in one of them.

I feel sick, but I’m afraid to move. I’m cold despite the blanket I’ve pulled over my head.

I expect the tears, and when they come, they pour. He trusted me. He was in love with me, and I let him fall because I was in so deep already. I could have stopped it at any time. I could have ended it before it even began.

But no one’s ever gotten under my skin so quickly and completely as Samuel did. I still feel him there, keeping me alive and burning me up.

I’m disgusting because I stupidly allowed myself to believe the coast was clear.

That Marcus and I had talked, and both of us came to the conclusion that no one ever had to know.

I forgot that Samuel deserved to know. Not about his father—I hate that he knows his father isn’t faithful—but that I was part of it.

That I selfishly dove head first into someone else’s self-destruction without a second thought.

The fact that sleeping with married men was meaningless to me until now when my lies are stripping away the most meaningful relationship in my life. The best thing I’ve ever had.

Falling for Samuel was always a risk, and I’m one of those risk averse people, but for Samuel, it feels like I jumped from a plane. I thought the parachute opened, but maybe it was shot through with holes, and I am plummeting .

It’s an hour or more before I know who I need to talk to. To be clear, I don’t want to talk to anyone, but at some point I’ll need to face Samuel. Not because I think I can fix anything, but because he deserves an apology, and I need to hear whatever he has to say.

It’s the literal least I can offer him, but it’s also all I have to give.

I expect Ryan to show up alone, but Malcolm is with him. I’m closer with Rachel and Priya, but the I-told-you-so’s aren’t what I need tonight. I need someone who’s forgiven someone else for the worst thing they could have done to him.

And that’s Ryan.

I suppose it doesn’t hurt to have Malcolm here—since he was the one asking for forgiveness. And he got it .

I refuse to take any hope from their story though. Their connection is deep and long, and a lot of time passed before they were able to make amends and fall in love.

I’m surprised, though, when they surround me on the couch, putting me in the middle of their semi-permanent cuddle.

I must look really pathetic. Ryan’s got his arm around my back, and Mal’s is wrapped around my waist with his head on my shoulder.

It feels pretty good, I have to admit. They’re not Samuel, but they are warm and very skilled at snuggling.

“When did the thing with Marcus start?” Mal asks.

“A few years ago. We had this one long weekend in Milan where it was pretty constant, but since then we only hook up every few months. When we travel together or when he’s in town.

I’ve never gone out of my way to see him or anything, but I never said no, either.

It wasn’t…I mean, I was attracted, but I wasn’t looking for anything with him. ”

“When was the last time?” Ryan asks.

“A day or two before I met Sam. He asked me to help him rehab his leg.”

“Right, I remember,” Ryan says.

“I knew—I fucking knew he was off limits, and he wasn’t my type at all. It felt like a non-issue.”

“Why’d you decide not to tell him?” Mal asks.

The question makes tears stream down my face because I think I know when that was.

I think it was on the carousel. I wasn’t sure in that moment when Samuel made me laugh and feel like a teenager on a date that I’d soon become so overwhelmingly attracted to him that I wouldn’t be able to moderate my behavior.

I thought at the time I had more self-control.

But it was the moment where I decided I wanted him to keep trying. I wanted him to like me. I didn’t want him to think I was an asshole anymore, and I didn’t want to keep pushing him away .

“I’ve never met anybody like him, you know?

The people I meet, they’re all about parties and selfies and looking perfect.

Sam is just—he’s just so unapologetically himself.

He cares what other people think until he doesn’t.

And he knows what he wants—he’s not here bumbling around trying to figure it out and waiting for a lucky break.

He’s working for it. And he’s sweet, and he’s funny, and he made me feel like I was one of those things worth fighting for, too.

No one’s ever made me feel like that.” As I speak, I’m sobbing, and my voice is moving into a high register.

I take a break to turn my face into Ryan’s chest and sob.

Mal rubs my chest and tells me to let it out.

Like anything could stop me from doing that.

“You’re gonna talk to him?” Ryan asks eventually.

“I have to.”

“It’s not like you cheated on him, Calyx,” Mal says.

“But his dad cheated. And with me.”

“I get that, and maybe him knowing that from the beginning would have changed things between you, but it also might not have.”

Ryan says, “I have a feeling he’s more upset about what his dad did.”

“He’s probably worried about his family. His mom.” Mal agrees.

He’s probably destroyed, and it’s killing me not to be there to help pick up the pieces.

“What do you need from us?” Ryan asks.

“Do you think I’m forgivable?”

“Yes,” he says without equivocation.

“Do you think he’ll ever want me again?”

They’re both quiet for too long of a moment. Then Mal says, “You won’t know until you ask.”

“How much time should I give him? ”

“No time,” Mal says at the same time Ryan says, “A couple days.”

The look they exchange would make me smile under any other circumstance.

“Maybe until tomorrow,” Mal says.

Ryan goes on, “Let him process the fact that his dad’s been unfaithful. That’s a tough pill.”

I take a shaky breath. “Should I text him?”

“He knows how to get a hold of you if he wants to talk,” Ryan says. “I really do think he needs some space, and that’s mainly because the situation isn’t about just the two of you.”

Mal sighs. “I can’t imagine loving someone enough to marry them and then sleeping with other people. Like just ask for a divorce.”

“He’s not a bad guy,” I say, but I don’t know why. “Broken, maybe, for whatever reason. I don’t know, though. We weren’t close like that.”

“We’re all a little broken,” Ryan says.

“Samuel wasn’t,” I reply. “It was like—one of the most refreshing things about him.”

“But it’s not like it’s the only thing you love about him.”

“No,” I say. “But I do wonder what happens to him after something like this.”

“Maybe he gets a little more cynical. A little less trusting. But that doesn’t mean he loses the capacity,” Malcolm says.

Ryan reaches up and squeezes Mal’s wrist. Malcolm lifts his hand from my chest to hold Ryan’s.

It’s getting warm between these two—not in a sexual tension kind of way—it’s just a lot of masculine body heat.

“How am I supposed to sleep tonight?” I ask, causing a fresh wave of tears to wash down my face.

I wipe them with the heels of my hands. I never took off my makeup from earlier, and I must look like a fucking mess .

“You take a nice long shower, put on some sad music and zone the fuck out,” Mal says.

I press my lips together, tasting my tears, and nod. “Thanks, you guys.”

“We can stay if you want,” Ryan says.

“No, this was what I needed. I’m glad you two were able to work it out and find your way back to each other.”

“Don’t give up, okay?” Mal says. “Not if you love him. Not if you know he’s the one.”

“How would I know that? What if he’s just a lesson I’m supposed to learn?”

Ryan huffs. “Good fucking question.”

“You give it time,” Mal says.

“Time does help,” Ryan agrees.

“But, dude,” Mal says. “You need a new manager.”

Something else crumples inside. The idea of that hurts too . I don’t know if it’s a soft spot I have for Marcus in particular or the idea of kicking a man when he’s down, but I can’t see myself abandoning him.

Malcolm goes on. “Because what if after some time Sam wants to try again with you? You want him to question what the fuck is going on every time you’re traveling with his dad?”

I literally swallow bile. It rose up so fast, I barely felt the burn. “I get it,” I manage to say. “I might need to go ahead and take that shower.” Mainly because I want to sit under the spray and sob.

“You know where we are if you need us,” Mal says because he really is a soft-hearted sweetie. I knew Ryan first, but Mal is definitely the yin to his yang.

They leave me with long hugs and promises to check on me tomorrow.

I’m beyond shocked when I get out of the shower after nearly an hour and find a text from Samuel waiting for me.

Samuel

What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?

I return it with shaking fingers. He sent it twenty minutes ago.

Me

Will you let me see you tomorrow?

Samuel

Let you? Fucking LET YOU? Fuck you.

He might as well have kicked me in the throat. I can’t breathe.

All I want to do is scream, and I wish so fucking bad I was the man in the cage with him today. Submitted in under two minutes.

I sleep a really long time but mainly because I don’t want to get out of bed. Siva, at least, is happy. This is the most uninterrupted time with me she’s had in weeks. I open my phone. No new messages.

Out of habit, I check Samuel’s location.

He’s at home.

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