Page 82 of Grave Love

Blaze isn’t either.

I strain, clearing my throat. The doctor raises his brows. I don’t explain. Blaze never needed me for my corpse; he could have used anyone. And I never needed Blaze for his murdering skills—I just needed him topushme. To show me that I’m capable of making my own choice. Of taking my future into my own hands.

I have that power now.

“I’m fine,” I say. “Thanks anyway.”

The doctor nods. “Take care,” he says.

I purse my lips together. It’s an odd thing to say to someone when you’ve given them medication that will end their life. The doctor smiles sheepishly, understanding the awkwardness too, and we both return to our cars.

The drive back to Panama City Beach is slow, like a keel worm tunneling a path over a seashell. I open the windows. The exhaust mixes with the salty ocean breeze, and I blink back tears, the wind whipping my face. I hate this town—I always have—but there’s something different inside of me now as I try to say goodbye to this city. Something inside of it that reminds me ofhim.This stupid town is where we met, where we began to see each other. And it’s where we end too.

My throat closes up, the pain simmering in my neck.

Blaze.My killer, and my savior.

But I don’t need him to save me anymore.

When I arrive at his house, the windows glow with light, and that, in and of itself, is an omen. Every time I’ve been here, it’s like hechoseto live in darkness. Now, he’s preparing for my arrival. Anticipating my needs, even when he prefers the shadows.

You don’t want this, Blaze,I think.You don’t want me. You don’t need me here.

I pull the plastic bag out and open the seal. The label blurs as I take out one of the lozenges.

Like a lollipop,the doctor had said.

I stick it in my cheek. It’s bitter and synthetic, like fake cherry, and it reminds me of the doctor. The medical spa. The clinical kindness. Sweetness meant to cover up what’s actually there.

Maybe I’ll die tonight. Maybe I won’t.

Either way, it’ll be my choice.

I take out the lozenge, then leave it on the passenger seat next to me, partially dissolved. I wait, staring up at the house as black streams of smoke blur my vision. My head fills with fog, my limbs heavy and euphoric. It’s workingfast.Have I eaten today? Is it working faster because I haven’t consumed anything besides coffee?

Do I really want to die?

Blaze opens the front door, his form silhouetted by the amber hue of the fluorescent lights. A devil rising up from hell, calling me down to his depths of depravity. But he’s not the devil.

I’m the one dragging him down.

Somehow, I get out of the car. The world tilts. I keep focused. This is what I wanted all along, and now it’s in my power to take back what’s mine.

I can’t let him forget who I’m supposed to be.

Chapter30

Blaze

The late winterair clings to my skin as I wait for her. Ren steps closer, inching forward like a ghost crawling out of a well. I used to think she was the same as everyone else, nothing more than an animal. A skin bag full of meat. Like we all are.

But in this dim light, I seeher.Ren doesn’t give in to the emotional decay of society; she’s numb to it, like I am. We understand each other.

I let her come to me. Her body ambles forward. Eager for it. Her walk is aimless, like she’s not quite sure what to do or what to say. Wary.

I press my lips together. There’s something different about her, and it’s not the attraction that usually draws me to her.

It’s almost like she’s content.