Page 116 of Governor

I think about the unexpected next step I was introduced to and wonder aboutthat. Nothing Carter and Susa have said would precludethemfrom taking things to new level. And Katie even thought they were dating. Hell, I know Susa is in love with Carter.

Did they have sex?

Did she enjoy it?

Didheenjoy it?

That last thought stops me in my tracks as I ponder the implications of why I care so much about that.

I’m not sure if I feel more jealous over the possibility of him enjoying it or her enjoying it, and that…confuses me. Confuses me in the same way that earning praise from Carter makes me feel good and confuses me.

Lotsof things about this whole situation confuse me, but the thought of giving either of them up fill me with a deeper anxiety and fear than the ones currently dancing the hokey-pokey through my mind.

I’ll take the confusion, because at least it’s a peaceful confusion. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s the best way to describe it.

I’ve never known such a deep peace as when I’m on my knees in front of Susa.

Yeah, okay, or in front of Carter.

I don’t understandwhyit feels so calming, but I crave it, like a drug. I get now why smokers can’t quit, if the hit they receive is anything like the one I get kneeling with my head bowed.

Or getting my ass spanked.

Believe me, that one surprised the hell out of me, too.

The more confident Susa grows during our play, the more I enjoy it, and the deeper I go.

The deeper I go, the less inhibited I feel, because Carter’s never given me any reason to think he’ll ever betray me, or her.

I don’t mind him supervising our play or showing her how to do things. In a way, I suppose it’s a comfort that he wants to make sure she doesn’t harm me.

I never thought I’d see myself in this position—any of the positions, actually—but now that it’s part of my life I never want it to end.

It’s what I never knew I needed, and it fills that void inside me perfectly.

Susa.

I don’t know why serving Carter when the two of us are alone also fills me with…

Contentment.

Sexually, I respond to Susa during our play. That excites me in ways I never dreamed.

On the flip side of it, the demands Carter place on me away from Susa…they also excite me in different ways.

To earn his praise.

To hear those two damn words.

Good boy.

Not just good boy, butmygood boy.

To let out a long-held breath and relax into his touch when he scratches my head as I kneel in front of him.

Learning positions for him.

I might swear at him sometimes, and not want to do what he tells me to do, and bite back screams of pain over what he’s doing to me, but Iamconsenting to it. All of it.