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Pippen

Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

“Hello, Dante. Hello, Dani. I’m so happy to see you both,” the pretty therapist, Dr. Melissa Jefferson said, smiling at Danika.

The woman was tough and very clear on how we should proceed with Danika. She insisted we hide nothing from our little girl. That she needed to see us express everything we were thinking and feeling. It didn’t matter if we were happy, sad, or angry. Naming our emotions and even expressing them was an important step to our daughter’s development. Danika hadn’t learned how to express her emotions yet, and while experiencing them was natural, it would be more confusing for her to still not understand them at her age.

“Danny isn’t joining us today?”

“No, there was an emergency, and he had to go to New York.”

“How long will he be gone?” she asked.

I saw the look of disappointment in her eyes. I was upset too, but there was nothing I could do about it. Danny’s job demanded a lot from him, and sometimes, his job took him away. Danny didn’t like it any more than I did, but that was life. I knew that and accepted it and as much as I hated it for her, Danika would need to understand that, too.

“I’m not sure.”

“Alright, let’s get started. How is Dani adjusting to Dante being gone?”

“She cried all morning.” I frowned, holding my little girl tighter. It had been a terrible morning. The second she knew Danny was gone, I could see the hurt in her eyes. She missed him terribly and wasn’t happy to be alone with me. I understood what she felt and even tried talking to her about it, but nothing I said seemed to ease her melancholy. My little girl was just as smitten with Danny as I was. He was the center of our world and with him gone, we both felt adrift with no direction.

“Would you like to walk her to the play area and let her choose? Then we can talk about what you are going through.”

“I’d like to stay with her,” I whispered, holding her tighter. Somehow, I felt as long as she was with me, I wouldn’t miss Danny as much.

Stupid, I know, but it was how I felt.

“Dante, I’d like to talk to you. It would be best if Dani was given the option to play alone.”

I looked down at my daughter who looked longingly at the toys about the room. With a sigh, I set her down on her feet and she looked up at me. Reluctantly, I nodded, and she slowly made her way to the kitchen.

“I know this is hard, but that right there was a huge milestone.”

“How?” I asked, confused.

“Let’s sit.”

Walking together over to the couch, I sat down while Dr. Jefferson took the chair.

I never took my eyes off my daughter. I couldn’t.

She was my responsibility.

Mine to protect.

“Dani has made so much progress it is incredible. Her connection to Danny is remarkable and the fact that she has accepted you to take up his role in her security, when he was called away, is a great response on her part.”

I smirked at that because I wasn’t sure if it was because of lack of options or what. All I knew was my little girl wasn’t happy right now.

“Children are resilient, but what she has been through or better yet not been through has shaped her in a way most people don’t experience until they are much older. It makes it harder for them to even form attachments much less learn to love and trust. It is clear Dani trusts you very much. And for a child in her situation, trust is much more powerful than love. Love is easy for children. They tend to love anyone that is nice to them. Not truly understanding the difference between love and like. But trust is hard. For two years, Dani has only been able to trust that she would be fed and changed. Without having any answers to what her life was like for the first two years, it is hard to know if she had a schedule for her feedings or changings. We don’t know if she cried in hunger or fear. All we know is that she was given the bare minimum of care to keep her alive.”

The tears rolled down my cheeks as she recounted the life my little girl lived before she was rescued. No child should ever have to endure that shit, and I vowed Danika never would again.

Dr. Jefferson stood from her chair, setting down the tablet she kept notes on and grabbing the box of tissues as she sat on the couch next to me. Handing me the tissues, she gently reminded me, “This wasn’t your fault. Your natural inclination is to blame yourself. But I want to remind you that you are not to blame. You had no way of knowing you were a father. And once you did, you immediately stepped up not only to rescue your daughter but to be her father. There are many people out there that would have walked away without a care.”

“Like my own parents,” I mumbled.

“Tell me about them,” she gently asked.

“I don’t know anything about them. Don’t know who they are, if they’re alive. If they ever cared anything about me. Maybe my father doesn’t know anything about me like I didn’t know about Dani. But my mother did. She would have to. She walked away.”

“Tell me about your childhood. Who raised you?”

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

“Have you ever heard of the Trick Pony, Doc?” I asked, never taking my eyes off my daughter. I didn’t need to see Dr. Jefferson to know she knew of the place. Her stiffening body told me that. Rumors of that horrible place flew even beyond the biker world. The Trick Pony was all over the news. There hadn’t been a day since the FBI raided the place where some reporter uncovered a disgustingly new story and splashed it across the five o’clock news for all to hear.

“I have.”

“I took my first breath there. Only, I didn’t suffer the depravity they did. You see, someone saved me shortly after I was born. I thought it was Silas, or maybe even Sinclair, but it wasn’t. Silas told me once that there were six of us who left that day, four boys and a girl who carried me in her arms to safety. I never knew the girl. She didn’t stay long with us. Silas raised me and for a long time, I believed he was my brother.”

“Is it possible one of the young men who pulled you from there could be your father?”

“No. I checked. When I was thirteen, I did one of those at home paternity tests. I knew none of us were related by blood.”

“What about the girl?”

“I’ve never met her. I only know what Silas has told me about her. I was a baby when we left, so I don’t have any memories of that time.”

“Was there another time at the Trick Pony you have memories from?”

I nodded silently while I focused on Dani.

“Was Dani a product of the Trick Pony?”

I slowly nodded again.

“Dante, when I was in college I took a trip to New York. I attended a lecture by Dr. Gideon Scott. He spoke a little about the rumors surrounding the Trick Pony and how the experiences people had there shaped their lives. Consensual and nonconsensual experiences.”

I stiffened when she mentioned Malice.

“The lecture he gave impacted my life in a way I never expected. It was why I chose a career working with children of sexual assault. Would you share with me your experience at the Trick Pony? There is no judgment here, Dante.”

“As I said, I was a baby when we left,” I began, my voice devoid of all emotion. “Nightmares couldn’t begin to describe what I’d heard of the place. Knowing I was born there only made me curious. I should have left it alone. They say curiosity killed the cat. It almost killed me. I had just finished my undergraduate program at Texas A&M and transferred to MIT to take part in a new program when it happened. I was so happy to be accepted into the study, I celebrated and partied like any young man with no care in the world. Thanks to my brother and the others, I lived a charmed life. I had everything I wanted. All the advantages life could afford. I didn’t realize how blessed I was until I woke up after a night of drinking to find myself in that horrible place.”

I stood and walked over to where Dani played quietly. I didn’t pick her up. I just sat by her and watched her play.

“I wasn’t there very long, but long enough to realize the world I once lived in was just a mirage of reality because the truth was, the world is a fucking horrible place.”

Looking down at my hands, I saw them shaking.

I smirked at that, then looked up at Dr. Jefferson as I got back to my feet. “Doc, the things I am about to tell you. They’re bad.”

Taking my seat next to her again, she calmly said, “You can share as much or as little as you feel you need to. Remember, there is no judgment here.”

“There was a woman there. She was in her fifties. She used pain to make me comply. The more I fought her, the more pain she inflicted. She knew I was gay, and she used that to her advantage as she manipulated me into doing what she wanted. She was relentless, vicious, and sadistic. She never let up, and the pain she inflicted still gives me nightmares today, but what she made me do. What she forced me to do to Danika’s mother is something I will never forgive myself for. The reason I am a father is because that bitch forced me to rape a young girl. She beat us both until we succumbed to her demands. I can still hear Danika’s mother’s screams as I tore into her innocence, and through it all that bitch laughed. She fucking laughed as she forced us over and over again until I passed out from my exertions.”

Tears streamed down my face as I left nothing out.

“How can my daughter ever trust me, Doc? I raped her mother. Because of what I did, her mother is dead. My little girl will never know a mother’s love. I’m just as sick as that bitch, like the rest of them.”

Covering my face, I shook my head, unable to stop the sobs that wracked my body. I was a monster. The same vile monster that bitch was. I knew that now.

Dr. Jefferson was rocking me in her arms as I cried like a fucking baby. “I am so sorry, Dante. What you endured… You know Dr. Scott, don’t you?” she asked hesitantly.

Sniffing, I looked up at her and said, “He was one of the boys who pulled me from that place as a baby.”

“Does he know? About what happened to you?”

“I don’t think so. The others do. They got me out again.”

Shaking, Dr. Jefferson grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped it around me as I continued my story. “They knew who took me. I don’t know how, but somehow, they figured it out and then one day Sinclair, Rowen, and Silas were there demanding my release. The bitch laughed at them but still played her sick game. She said they could take me home on one condition. If Silas spent twenty-four hours with her. That was all she wanted. Yet, Sinclair knew what she meant and flat out refused. For years, the three of them lived the hell I had only endured for days. I couldn’t let her get her hands on Silas again. I begged him to leave me, but he didn’t. Not even Sinclair could stop him. The second Silas agreed, I knew whatever I endured was going to be nothing compared to what that bitch had in store for Silas, and I was right. Because when she told him what she wanted, I saw the life drain from my brother’s face.”

“What did she want?”

Looking at Dr. Jefferson, I whispered. “She wanted him to fuck me, and to save me, he did.”

“Dante, I have a friend who is a therapist. She works with adult sexual assault survivors. I think you would greatly benefit from speaking with her.”

“You’re a doctor,” I reminded her.

“I am, but my training specializes in working with children. I will do what I can to help you work through your experience, but I am limited in my training. Just think about it. She does online therapy so you could meet with her while still living here.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Today has been a lot. I want you to know that nothing you have shared with me will ever be shared anywhere or with anyone. I take my oath seriously.”

“Thank you. Danny didn’t want me to share. He was worried about prosecution, because Dani’s mom was so young.”

“I am only mandated to report a crime you are thinking about committing or an ongoing crime that puts someone in danger. What happened to you was a crime. And I wish with everything in me that I could report that woman on your behalf. But what you did… Despite the pain that girl went through, you went through pain as well. Tomorrow, I would like to talk about how you found Dani. I want you to be prepared because it will be another emotional day.”

“Thank you, Dr. Jefferson.”