Page 17

Chance

S he was truly gone.

There was no denying it now. Kali was dead. She had likely died somewhere nearby, and brutally, if she was still lingering as a spirit all these years later.

It shouldn’t have hurt as much as it did. She’d been gone for seven whole years, and some innate part of me had already known that she was no longer of this world. Yet, Rhodes had given me hope. There was no body, no evidence to suggest she was dead beyond her disappearance, but Gloria’s words were irrefutable evidence, at least to me. Evidence that was given too late, since I had already been led to believe she was alive and needed help.

Far quicker than I expected, my grief became numbness, and I sat back on my heels to tilt my face up to the sky. I barely felt the tears tracking down my cheeks, though I knew they were still leaking.

There were so many questions, and if Gloria was correct that Kali’s spirit was still lingering, then the answers to those questions were within reach. I didn’t think I could stomach those answers yet, however. There was too much chaos still wreaking havoc on my mind and emotions. I could barely breathe. It was just like that phone call all those years ago when Blake had first called me home. The sinking feeling in my gut had apparently only been floating all this time, because it had only just officially sunk.

‘Chance… Rhodes needs his medication,’ Ashe prompted firmly, but I didn’t respond. She didn’t wait for me to, either. Instead, she pried open my fingers that were still clutching the little orange bottle and took it to where Rhodes was swaying in place. A quick study showed he was paler than before, his face scrunched in pain. Was it just physical? I thought so. He had no reason to mourn Kali. Not like I did. He could see her, speak with her, like she was a regular, living person, and he would soon join her across the veil.

Would she accept me if I joined her, too?

It wasn’t the first time the thought had crossed my mind. After the first search parties came back with nothing, I’d gone into a deep, dark place in my head, and the only way out I could think of at the time was to just end it. If I wanted her so badly and she wasn’t here, then why was I sticking around?

The only thing that had stayed my hand back then was the thought that she might not have wanted me with her. We were friends, but despite the way I had always wanted more from her, she had never shown any signs that she returned those feelings. And I’d never pushed. I highly doubted she was even aware of my feelings, especially considering she had married my little brother instead.

My regrets plagued me, even more now than ever before. I’d never spoken up, never fought for her the way I should have, and I would never know if she could have felt the same way about me, because now she was gone.

I could ask through Rhodes or Gloria, but was it worth it?

Yes, I decided. That was a stupid question. I should have begged for the answer to that question when we were still kids, before my golden boy little brother weaselled his way into her heart.

‘Is she still here?’ I asked, my voice sounding muffled to my own ears like I was trying to talk underwater.

‘No,’ was Gloria’s one-word answer. Short, succinct, and crushing all at once.

No matter. I would stay put until she came back. I could ask her my questions then. I was a patient man, after all, and my love for her superseded death itself. If I could be with her, I didn’t care if my form was physical or paranormal, just as long as she was there .

Well, that answered one question. It seemed it didn’t matter much if she was in love with me, so long as I no longer had to face any kind of existence without her in it. I should probably get my affairs in order if I were to follow through with this line of thinking. And I would. The decision settled in with a sense of rightness, peace spreading through my veins like this course of action was long overdue.

But not yet. I still needed to speak with her, to confess my feelings, not to mention all the other logistics that needed to be settled. And then there was the mystery of her death. If she was murdered, and it was pretty damned obvious at this point that she was, then I was going to see that fucker pay for his crimes before I joined her in the afterlife.

I watched absentmindedly from my periphery as Ashe and Gloria lowered Rhodes to the grass and helped him put his head between his knees like he was dizzy. Ashe then left Gloria to take care of the younger man while she moved to kneel in front of me. Her expression was closed off, and we both knew she was aware of the dark path my thoughts had taken. I had known in previous instances that my thoughts were something to be concerned about in the past. That was the difference between now and then, though. Then, I wasn’t ready. There were too many unanswered questions, too much hope still flickering desperately inside me.

Now, I was just ready to move forward with what I knew in my very soul I needed to do. It was a peaceful kind of resignation, because I was finally admitting to myself that I wasn’t meant for this world. I wasn’t meant for any world without Kali in it.

‘I don’t like that look,’ she told me, but I couldn’t bring myself to reassure her.

‘There’s no look,’ I objected, though we both knew that was a bold-faced lie.

‘Don’t, Chance. Please, just… don’t do something stupid that you can’t take back.’

‘I promise. I’m not going to do anything stupid.’

She eyed me suspiciously, but there wasn’t anything she could say or do that would fix this. Seven years was a long time to keep pushing forward when I had nothing to show for it at the end of the day. I needed to fix things, and there was only one way to do that.

‘Guys, Rhodes needs to get inside, and I can’t carry him on my own,’ Gloria called out, cutting through the tension. I appreciated the distraction, especially with a task that gave me something useful to do with myself besides sitting around moping. That wouldn’t bring Kali back. Nothing could. But I was certainly looking forward to joining her.

Making the decision had lifted the weight from my shoulders, and though my heart hurt, I felt like I could breathe for the first time in seven long years.

My strength returned to my extremities immediately after my decision had settled into my bones, and I pushed up easily from the grass. Almost too easily. I felt almost weightless. Even when Rhodes leaned his full weight against me as I half-dragged, half-carried him back to his house, I barely felt a thing, like I was pulling along a cloud. And Rhodes wasn’t a small guy.

I still had his keys, so I pulled them out, found the one that wasn’t connected to a fob, and inserted it into the keyhole. I pushed the door open once I heard the click and let the sick man direct me to the living room. I placed him gently on the couch. It was an old thing, brown and floral like something from the seventies. Ugly, but it looked comfortable, like it had been recently reupholstered. My theory was confirmed when I sat beside him, and the cushions were firm and comfortable with just enough give to cup my body without fully sinking in.

‘Do you need anything, Rhodes?’ Ashe asked. ‘Water? Hot tea? A blanket?’

‘Water would be great, if you wouldn’t mind. Glasses are in the first cupboard, and the filter’s in the fridge. I need my phone, too…’

Gloria handed him his phone, explaining that it had fallen from his pocket outside and she’d picked it up. He thanked her, took the cool glass of water from Ashe when she returned, and gulped it down. Then, he held the phone up to his ear and started talking to someone on the other end of the line.

‘I’m not coming in today, Fred.’ He paused like he was listening, then responded to whatever they said. ‘Yeah. Cancer’s back. In my head this time. I was gonna tell you soon, but I just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. You can come over later and we can talk.’

The conversation went back and forth for a while, and I gathered Rhodes was handing over the reins of the campsite to Fred while he was out sick. But what stuck with me were those two little words that brought into focus the struggles this man must have survived already, only to get taken out by it anyway.

‘Cancer’s back?’ I asked once he hung up the phone. ‘How many times have you had it?’

‘This would be the sixth. I’ve had some form of cancer eating away at me my entire life,’ he responded candidly.

‘Jesus. All those times you beat it, only for it to keep coming back. That’s rough, man.’ I meant it. I was in awe of him. He must have suffered greatly his whole life, constantly sick, in and out of hospitals, wondering if this time was the time that would get him. I guessed this time was it.

He just shrugged and used the now-empty glass to cool his forehead. ‘I’m just glad I made it this far. A lot of people didn’t think I’d make it to adulthood, let alone almost to thirty.’

‘How old are you, anyway?’ I asked.

‘Just turned twenty-seven this past May.’

‘Damn. You’re almost a decade younger than me. You’re tough as hell, man.’

He snorted, amused. ‘And you’re old.’

‘It’s the grey hairs,’ Ashe teased as she sat on the opposite couch with Gloria at her side.

‘Maybe, but he pulls off the salt-and-pepper look. I bet a silver fox like you gets all the ladies,’ he winked. His comment brought uproarious laughter from Ashe and an amused giggle from Gloria.

‘Chance doesn’t date.’

Rhodes’ eyebrows disappeared behind the hair that was flopped over his forehead. ‘No? Why not? I bet you’d pull whatever girl you wanted.’

But I was already shaking my head. ‘There’s only ever been one woman I wanted,’ I admitted with a sadness that was embedded so deeply inside me it was like it had been carved into my very bones.

‘But she married your brother, and now she’s… dead,’ he surmised. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Nothing for you to apologise for, Rhodes. Don’t worry about it.’

‘You never told her, huh?’ he guessed.

‘Nope.’

‘Why not?’

‘I figured she was happy with Blake. They both deserved to be happy. I didn’t want to ruin that.’

‘Oh, you’re the noble type. Gross.’

His comment, alongside the way he wrinkled his nose in genuine disgust, set off my own laughter.

‘Right?’ Ashe agreed. ‘He totally lost out because he’s too damn kind and selfless. It’s legitimately sickening.’

‘Give me a one-night stand any day,’ Rhodes said.

‘At least I’m not afraid of commitment,’ I teased, and he gasped dramatically.

‘Ouch. Straight for the gonads,’ he joked, but then quickly sobered up. ‘It’s easier not to make deep connections, you know? If I’m going to die, I don’t want to bring someone else in to suffer for my fate. I’m not that cruel.’

‘Shit. Sorry,’ I apologised. ‘I didn’t even think about that.’

‘It’s cool. I made my peace with it a long time ago.’

His admission shouldn’t have surprised me, but the thought of dying was scary, even if I had chosen to face that fate sooner rather than later. ‘You’re not afraid?’

He studied me, but it wasn’t judgmental. Understanding dawned as my plans must have shown on my face. I pointedly avoided looking at Ashe or Gloria, keeping my gaze fixed firmly on Rhodes’. I didn’t mind that he’d figure me out, but I didn’t want Ashe, Gloria, or even Mikey to try to talk me out of it. My mind was made up, even if there was a lingering doubt about jumping feet first into the unknown.

‘Not really. What is there to be afraid of? I’ve known since I was a child that death is inevitable, and that fearing it won’t make it go away. I’ve been surrounded by the dead and dying my whole life. It just is.’

I hummed thoughtfully, processing and internalising his words. There was a truth to them that I hadn’t truly acknowledged, which was ridiculous considering my choice of career. Or perhaps that was why I had chosen to investigate the paranormal in the first place, and I had only just acknowledged that fact. I wasn’t afraid to die, I was afraid of what happened next, because I didn’t know. I supposed that there was a sort of solace in the compiling evidence that there was, indeed, and after .

‘Why are you asking these questions, Chance?’ Ashe asked me, her voice pitched ever so slightly higher with her rising panic.

‘You seem awfully calm after learning about Kali,’ Gloria pointed out bluntly. I wanted to wince at her accusation, but the knowledge of my decision kept me from making any outward reactions. Namely, because I didn’t have one.

‘I wouldn’t say I was calm,’ I objected.

‘Then what are you feeling, Chance? Because you’ve just learned something devastating and you’re worrying me with your lack of reaction,’ Gloria accused.

‘I wouldn’t say he didn’t react,’ Rhodes backed me up. ‘That’s twice now I’ve heard him scream with grief as he collapsed to his knees.’

‘Yes, but…’ Gloria began, and then trailed off. What could she really say? I felt a little guilty that I was worrying them, but I couldn’t let that stop me from following through.

Rhodes yawned and stretched his stiff arms over his head as far as he could manage. ‘Well, I’m exhausted. I’m gonna take a nap. You’re welcome to stay as long as you want. Or leave, it’s up to you.’

Then he rose with a groan from the couch and headed for the stairs, grunting with effort with each step. Luckily, there weren’t too many, and we heard his bedroom door close, followed by the squeak of his bed as he climbed in, and then his rumbling snores that let us know he had fallen asleep. It didn’t take long, practically as soon as his head must have hit the pillow. I didn’t blame him. Dying wasn’t for the weak, it seemed.

Ashe moved to take the seat that Rhodes just vacated, snaring me with her laser-like gaze. ‘Talk to me, Chance. I’m worried about you.’

I sighed, momentarily defeated. ‘What is there to talk about?’

‘I know you, Chance,’ she pushed. ‘I know what’s going through your head, because I’ve already talked you out of it enough times. Please don’t make me do it again.’ She scooted closer until she tucked herself into my side, and I moved my arm so I could hug her back. ‘You’re my best friend, and I love you. I don’t want to lose you.’

I pressed a kiss to the top of her head, avoiding looking at Gloria the whole time. She would see right through me if I gave her the opportunity, and the last thing I wanted was to hurt either of them. I knew Ashe would grieve me once I was gone, but she had Gloria and Mikey to get her through it, not to mention a family that adored her and would support her through it. Gloria would be fine, too, since she had the same support system as Ashe. Mikey might suffer a bit more since he wasn’t the most social of men, and losing me would mean losing one of his only friends, but I knew he would be fine.

Blake was my biggest concern. He had already lost his wife. I didn’t want to hurt him by making him lose his brother, too, but Kali… she was everything to me. Some days, I truly believed I loved her more than Blake ever did, because he had moved on when I couldn’t. But perhaps that was a good thing. If he could survive losing Kali and still thrive afterwards, then the same could be said for me.

As for my parents… Well, in all honesty, I didn’t really care. Calvin wouldn’t shed a tear. In fact, he would likely rejoice at finally being rid of me. Mother hadn’t cared about me in a long time, so I didn’t see her crying anything other than crocodile tears to keep up the image of the grieving mother. Poor Mallory, losing her son that she loved so much. If it were Blake, I didn’t doubt her tears would have been real. I was just the disappointment. The reminder of a life they would all rather forget.

No, they would be fine. Life would continue on without me.

I should probably have been more upset about that, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel anything other than relief. I still needed to speak to Kali, even if it was through Rhodes, but this felt right. More right than anything had in a long fucking time. Exciting, even. Perhaps it would be my next big adventure. And if by some miracle Kali accepted me at her side in the afterlife, in whatever capacity she would take me, then I would happily spend eternity with the woman I loved.

Yes. This was my path, and it would always have ended like this. There was no existence without Kali in it, and I would follow her anywhere. My only regret now was that I hadn’t done so already. Soon, I would rectify that.

I couldn’t wait.