Page 34 of Fragile Wicked Things

"I had a good day today, a winning day. What do you say we go out for a proper meal, not like the ones you feed me?

Oh, don't look offended. You were never taught to keep house.

But that will change." James held my face in his hands, looking at me, head tilted.

"Are you not curious as to why? Would you like to know what your clever husband has done to secure a future for us and our unborn child?

I set about writing a letter to your dear Edward about his atrocious behavior towards his daughter.

Now although you may not be of his flesh and blood, you are the only family known to him.

I told him straight off that no man can provide for you the way he did and that no man should be expected to.

A real father would ensure his daughter has the best of everything. Of course, he scoffed at this."

"You saw him? In person?"

"Uh, no, I meant I could imagine him scoffing while I read his letters.

He's a deplorable man for not providing for his family, cutting us off from the riches that are too much for one man to enjoy in a thousand lifetimes.

Oh, he tried arguing with me, steadfastly holding onto his selfishness, but eventually, my true virtue won out, and he rose to my moral ground.

My dear Catherine, tonight we feast, for tomorrow we leave for Thornfield where I will be master of the estate.

Why do you look at me with that face? You're white.

Are you not pleased? Not good enough for you, is that it? "

"No, no, it...it's..." I stammered. I could not tell him I knew his grand story a lie and I wondered how many other lies he had told me during our courtship when he impressed upon me that he was of good character.

"Stop with the stuttering. You don't realize your own good fortune in marrying me, a man who could stand up to that Rochester. Do you think any other husband would have obtained Thornfield for you?" he said.

"I'm surprised, is all."

"Surprised? At what? Did you think me unable to provide for my family?"

"No, I didn't say that. I'm surprised that Edward has offered us Thornfield when he loves it, and I'm afraid there are many memories of him there, that it would always feel like his home, even with him in England."

The words slipped from my mouth before I had a chance to retrieve them.

"How did you know he was going to England?" James reached into his coat pocket, hands came out empty of what they were searching for. "Where's the letter?"

"What letter?"

"Edward's letter that came with the money this morning. I read it and I thought I had taken it with me."

"You could have left it somewhere. Retrace your steps..."

"I read the letter," he remembered, "and placed the letter down on the kitchen table. It's not there anymore. I'll ask you one more time. Where is the letter?"

"I don't know of any letter. Let's retrace your steps..."

James tore into our bedroom, tossed things about, and emptied drawers onto the floor. His face reddened, terrifying me.

I stood in the doorway, speaking in soft tones. "James, I didn't mean to upset you. Let's go out now and celebrate like you wanted. We'll think about Thornfield tomorrow."

Finding nothing, he looked around the room, his eyes resting on the wardrobe.

James threw out my dresses, piling them into a mess on the floor.

"I didn't buy you these things. Look at this one.

" He held in his hand the dress I wore to the ball where I first met James.

"Not once did you wear this dress for me since we married.

Instead, I had to look at you wearing those drab clothes. "

"Nothing fits me anymore since the pregnancy, and Mrs. Creemore gave me these."

"What? You're taking second hand clothes from Mrs. Creemore. The Creemores are beneath the Kilbarrys! The letter. Now!"

If I confessed to having the letter, I feared he would succumb to that great temper of his.

Silence held me, and I sank to the floor and turned away from him.

In doing so, shunning him the way I did, anger rose within him.

James came at me, picked me up roughly from the floor and threw me to the wardrobe, banging me against its open door. I let out a cry.

"Stop those tears. You're spoiled."

"You're cruel."

He laughed at me and my weak attempt to fight back.

I tried pushing him off, but he held me tighter, held my wrists in one hand as he slapped me with the other.

I warned him that something would happen to the baby, and here he finally stopped hitting me, pushed me so that I stumbled backwards, hit the bed and fell.

There I lay, cowering on the floor, hands wrapped about my belly to protect my baby from this monster. He kicked my feet.

"If anything happens to the baby, you won't survive," he threatened and left, slamming the door behind him.

I curled up into a ball as much as I could despite my enormous size.

James was a beast. I had fled Thornfield and the monster who lived there, that tried to hold me captive within its walls.

Yet, as I lay on my bedroom floor, I thought with agony of what I had done, what I had left behind.

I envisioned Edward in the drawing room by the fire reading to me, comforting me.

I thought of how he had loved me and, despite my betrayal of him, how he loved me still.

Closing my eyes, I dreamt of returning to Thornfield, to stay with him, to be his as he had asked.

Oh, how I longed to be his again, to hear my name pronounced on his lips, to feel as I did when he held me and danced me around the room.

But was it too late? If I left now, would I find him already gone from Thornfield?

If the answer was yes, then I would travel to England, that great distance to be with Edward.

Uncurling myself, I leaned against the bed for support and stood up, took a step, then another and another until I stood at the front door.

Opening it, I stepped through and never looked back, not at the decrepit apartment, not at the painful memories of my life there.

I carried forward with my one purse and the few coins I had with me.

And my letter. I had Edward's letter in the pocket of my dress the entire time James ripped apart my belongings.

There was no turning back now for me. I fled to Thornfield. I was going home.