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T his had happened far too fast. But also way too slow, as he reminded me. We’d been a thing for years. Many, many years. And now? We were just figuring it all out.

I wanted to say for the rest of our lives , but even I was too scared to admit to that. What I wanted. Hoped for.

Those things he made me do and I liked it. Weird AF. Not only was I into cock, but I was apparently also…kinky? Nothing I would admit out loud, and especially not to Faye, who was side-eyeing me from the screen in front of me.

“Get back in the game, Bash,” she scolded me. “We still have one more account to verify.”

“I’m here,” I lied.

“No, you’re off daydreaming again. By the way, have you found me a man yet?”

“You still on about that? Nope. Nobody is good enough for my Faye.”

“Your Faye. I’m not your kid, Bash.”

“No, but you’re my intern, and as such, I feel a certain degree of responsibility for you.”

“Stop with the intern shit. I’m your colleague.”

“Still on that temporary contract. Don’t forget that.”

She stuck her tongue out at me .

“How’s Jake?” She did this. Asked about personal things to bring me back down to earth. Get me focused.

“He’s good. You know, I still find myself just staring at him, wondering how I ended up like this. I mean, I never thought I was gay. I was just, you know. Into things.”

“It’s not always about attraction, Bash. Sometimes it’s just feeling safe in your surroundings. Comfortable in your own skin around someone else. Just like with workplaces. I hated it here the first weeks. Really hated it. Went home and applied for every other internship I could find, hoping I could just stick two fingers up in the air to Juliet Delaware and move on. But then I started seeing things. And before I knew it, I felt part of this place. I felt like you and I were getting along. I felt safe. That’s what makes a difference.”

I got what she was saying.

“I still don’t feel safe around Juliet,” she continued. “I go into her office, and I freeze up because every time she opens her mouth, I think she’s going to sack me. Throw me and my stupid woke ideas out head first. ”

“Your ideas are not stupid. And if Juliet thought they were stupid, she wouldn’t be implementing them. Her little speech in the morning meeting last week?”

“Yeah.” She went quiet. “Impressive. I kind of wanted to throw my fist in the air and wolf whistle when Kieron walked out. He knew exactly what she was saying.”

“Good.” Things were slowly changing. For the better. “I was thinking,” I said, and then wondered if I was going mad. If I was about to destroy everything I had built here by even suggesting this. “You should go out for a drink with Juliet. Break some of those professional barriers right down. She’s good like that, if you can just get her to relax, talk about other things. Let her get to know you, under the suit.”

“Bash!”

“Oh God, I don’t mean it like that.”

“We’re stopping all this sexual harassment in the workplace and now you’re suggesting I get naked with the boss?”

I had to laugh, because this is what Faye did. She made me relax. Drop my walls .

“No. What I’m suggesting, completely off the record, is that Juliet needs a friend. Perhaps you could be that friend? Just a drink. Suggest it.”

“I’m not a lesbian, Bash. Even though Juliet is very attractive and has the most perfect legs. I’ve got leg envy.”

“She’s also a wonderful person. Warm and caring. I think you’d like each other.”

“Bash, if I asked her out for a drink, she would definitely sack me.”

“She’s got tickets for Kim Fabulous on Friday. I said I would go with her. I won’t because you will.”

“Who the hell is Kim Fabulous?”

“Drag stand-up. Hysterical. You’ll like it, it’s right up your street.”

“And you’re not going because…?”

“Because I will feign a cold and am taking Jake away. So you’re taking Juliet. Because me and Juliet going out on a friendly date is not anything either of us will deal with well at this time. Too soon. Too raw.”

“Still can’t believe you two were getting married. How weird. The boss shagging the head analyst. Madness. Total madness. I still suspect this is some weird reality show that I’m a part of. Always looking for the hidden cameras. But anyway, I would be doing this as a favour?”

“Yes.” It was funny how I was masterminding everything with such ease these days. “It’s perfect. Juliet gets a night off, away from the bullshit she’s dealing with. You get a fun night out and get to see Kim Fabulous. I get to take Jake away. Everyone’s happy.”

“And what’s in it for me?”

“I convince Juliet not to sack you.”

She hung up on me. I didn’t mind because she rang straight back.

“We still need to verify this account.”

“Then let’s do it.”

She was still smiling. So was I.

Jake wasn’t, though, when he came back from work that Friday night and found me ready and packed by the door.

“What?” he barked, still planting a kiss on me.

“We’re going away. It’s Friday, and from now on? I’m in charge. ”

“Brat,” he spat out, but he was trying so hard not to laugh.

“You’re all packed, I’m all packed. We’re going. Things to do.”

He shook his head. “Do I get to shower first?”

“Nah.” I grinned. “Get in the car.”

He was still in his work scrubs, but I didn’t care. This was my time. My thing. My—

“Do I want to know where we’re going?”

“I’ll tell you when you’ve fastened your seat belt like a good boy.” Yes, I could play this game too.

He rolled his eyes at me and smirked. “Where are we going, Bastien?”

I started the engine and reversed out of our parking space. Flossie was in her travelling cage in the back. She whimpered, still not happy despite me doing a trial run with her in the cage earlier today.

“She doesn’t like it. If she still whimpers when we hit the M1, we might have to stop and take her out.”

“Safer in the cage,” Jake pointed out.

“I agree. It’s strapped in properly. I got the guy at the pet store to fit it for me.”

“Well done.”

He was impressed with me. Good. Or maybe not.

“Where are we going, Bastien?”

“Well.” I paused, waiting for the traffic. Smooth turn. Straight lines. “You know that dreadful stag do.”

“Yes.” He grimaced. “Don’t remind me.”

“Well. I thought, let’s pretend that didn’t happen. Because what I originally wanted for that weekend was what we’re going to do today. We’re going away, just you and me. Simple. Easy.”

“Go on,” he urged me, shifting in his seat so he could watch me. He reached out and stroked my cheek. He hadn’t been joking about trying that new thing called affection. All of the affection. Like he couldn’t keep his hands off me at times. Was I complaining? Absolutely not.

“Thought you were going out with Juliet tonight?”

“Not happening. I’m setting boundaries on that one. Not good for me. Not good for her. We agreed.”

“Proud of you.”

“I’m proud of me too. Faye is taking her.”

“You sure know how to delegate. ”

“I absolutely do. Also? Juliet needs new friends. People who know who she is and what she’s like and still think the sun shines out of her arse.”

“And Faye does?”

“Well, Faye thinks she needs a good spanking. We’ve made a mental list of people we need to spank. Virtually, of course.”

“You’re weird.”

“Nope. I’m perfectly normal.” Another new thing I’d realised. I was, actually.

“Bastien.” I knew. Avoidance. I just smiled.

“I’m taking you up to Mum and Dad’s. We’re having a weekend of getting cups of tea in bed and a full English and all that. Plus, you’re getting a right treat tonight.”

“Okay?” He was laughing at me. I liked it. So much.

“I’m taking you out to Nando’s. Greasy chicken and bad beer. And then afterwards, we’re going to the finest nightclub in Peterborough.”

“Please, no. Come on. I don’t do dancing.”

“You do. It’s queer night, and apparently, it’s legendary. The good thing? Nobody knows us there. I haven’t been out at home since I was sixteen and not sure about anything, so we’re definitely doing this. Going out. I’m showing you off. Then we can sleep it all off at home and get Mum to nurse us through the aftereffects.”

“Your poor parents.” His head was now in his hands. I got that.

“Well, you’re just going to stand there and smile sweetly as I officially come out to my mum and dad.”

“You’re going to?”

“Of course I am, and it’s not like they don’t know. Mum asks about you all the time. Tells me to look after you. Wants to know if you carry my emergency glucose pen and if I’ve added you to my life insurance.”

“Have you?” He looked genuinely shocked at that one.

“You’ve always been on it. Just don’t go hitting me over the head in the night now. It’s not much, but you know. If something ever happened to me, I wanted you to be all right. I wanted all this I’ve worked for to be good for something, and you’d know what to do. Build a hospital suite with it or something. Give it to Battersea Dogs Home. Go on holiday. ”

“Bastien,” he said quietly. I knew. Grand gestures and all that. I’d even told Juliet. She’d agreed with me fully. It was just money, and she had her own. And one day, maybe… I didn’t want to think about it. Apparently, he did.

“One day, we’ll have kids, and it will all go to them. Do we agree on that?”

“Of course.”

The black ball in my stomach was still there. It probably would be for a long time. But it would get lighter. Easier to carry. I was sure of that.

We parked up on my parents’ drive and got ambushed by my mother speaking far too fast in Flemish, whooshing me straight back to my childhood. I usually spoke English to her on the phone so Jake could listen in, but it was a familiar comfort as she kissed my temples and nattered away.

Then she turned around and kissed Jake, the same familiar greeting.

“Dag schat, ca va? Was het niet te druk onderweg?”

She called him handsome and gorgeous and ushered him inside, like she’d completely forgotten I existed. My dad hadn’t, though, and just slapped me on the back and took the bags, then tutted as I let Flossie out of her cage and let her relieve herself all over his precious flower beds.

“It’ll kill the grass.”

“She’s only little. And it’s only for the night.”

“So we’re babysitting this overgrown yarn of fluff?”

“Yup.”

“How much damage can she cause?”

I had to laugh. But Dad just picked her up and smothered her in kisses and called her a little rat like he had owned a dog all his life. Fact. He hadn’t. But this was why I loved my parents. Why I had zero qualms about what I was about to do.

I found Jake in the kitchen making tea, my mum still fussing over him asking him too many questions all at once.

“Mum, Dad,” I started. Better get this over and done with before I lost my nerve. Because if I didn’t? I didn’t even want to think about the state I’d put myself in. Mute and anxious and curling into a virtual ball in my head.

They were looking at me. So was Jake. My Jake .

“If you’re going to throw a tantrum over Jake sleeping in the guest room…” my mother started, as my dad finished her sentence.

“We’ve already dealt with that. You’re both in your room. I added extra pillows. I know how you complain if we don’t let you treat this as a five-star resort.”

“I expect nothing less,” I sassed. “And we will be requiring breakfast in bed.”

“Spoilt,” my dad retaliated. “But how often do we get to see the two of you? Worth all the extra hassle. But don’t push it. I’m not making you bacon sandwiches at midnight. Mum and I need to get our sleep in.”

“But Dad did buy that special bacon you like, so you can make those sandwiches yourself. Don’t set the house on fire.”

I felt sixteen. And Jake just laughed.

“I’m sure we can look after ourselves,” he said softly.

“I’m sure you can,” my dad agreed, crossing his arms. “Now what did you want to say?”

“Well.”

Fuck. All eyes on me.

“I’m with Jake. ”

“Of course you are. I still have my eyesight, you know.” My mother. Just as sassy as I was. And now both Jake and my dad were rolling their eyes.

“Not…like…”

It looked like Jake was about to open his mouth, but I stared him down. This was me. On me.

“I love him.”

Okay. That should do the trick.

“We all do, Son.”

For fuck’s sake, Dad.

“I want to marry him one day and have his babies.”

“Physically impossible, darling.” God. My mother!! A piece of work.

“We’re a couple. Together. And we have sex.”

“I hope you do, because a life without sex would be very boring.”

Jake was smiling, the bastard, letting me do this all on my own.

“Bastien, it’s fine. We’ve known for quite a while that you and Jake had a very special relationship. It’s not such of a big deal. You don’t have to do all this…song and dance. We kn ow. And I’m still not making you a midnight bacon sandwich, so stop giving me all that strop.”

Okay. So my dad was way cooler than I’d realised. And now my mother was stirring the teas and gesturing for me to pass her the milk. I thought Jake was making the teas, but he’d obviously lost the plot and just sat there laughing.

“I love Bastien,” he said. “It’s just the way it is.”

“So do I.” my mother said with a smile. “Now, can we get on with this, because I need to know if you want roast chicken or roast beef on Sunday before you go, and also, where’s that dog?”

“I don’t know,” I squealed, looking around in a sudden panic. My dad was just shaking his head, Flossie still comfortably curled up in his arms, her little tail wagging at the mention of her name.

“Calm down,” my dad said. “We’re all in a tiff. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and you’re going to that chicken place in town for dinner and then to the pub?”

“Gay night at the Swan,” I said, suddenly wondering where all my nerves had gone.

“I see.” Dad picked up the paper from the kitchen table and grabbed a biscuit of the plate in front of him. “ Sugar free. Mum’s stocked up on the entire range, just for one weekend. Can the dog have biscuits?”

“Not really.” I sat down. So this? This was how people lived? All this happiness and calm and this gorgeous man who couldn’t stop giggling at me.

“How does it feel, being out and proud?”

My mother tutted. “He’s never been in and ashamed.” I had, but I wasn’t going to correct her.

“Good,” I said calmly. It actually was.

I took him to Nando’s, all dressed up, my shirt unbuttoned low, his smart T-shirt stretched over his chest. Nice jeans. A smile on my face.

“Don’t make me dance,” he growled when I pointed out the club on the map. Just a few blocks. We could walk, and then we’d take a taxi home. Easy.

“We’re going to dance. Come on, Jakey, you don’t know anyone here. Nobody will care. Just a bunch of local queers out for a fun time, and we’ll be the newcomers in the corner smooching away.”

“Really?” He didn’t sound too sure. But I was in charge here, which I calmly reminded him of.

I felt in charge. Well, perhaps less so as we passed the doorman at the Swan and made our way towards the back. I’d been here once before, a swift encounter to calm my nerves, but never actually looked around. The large dance floor. The DJ booth. The loud music and flashing lights and scantily clad barmen and women. This was not the Swan I remembered.

“Wow!” Jake shouted in my ear. “Definitely not what I expected.”

“We’re not all backward heathens out here in the sticks.”

“Wouldn’t call Peterborough the sticks, exactly.”

“It’s not Soho.”

“Thank God for that.”

I got him a drink, let him hang over my shoulders as we surveyed the scene, his body swaying gently to the beat as I let myself relax. We could do this. Just us.

“Thank you.” His voice was a bit lower, followed up with a kiss. “This has been fun. Just getting away from everything and relaxing. It’s nice.”

“I needed it,” I admitted. “I just wanted to…you know. Do this. All the things I wanted to do that weekend and not have to worry about anything. It’s really good, for both of us.”

“And tomorrow, we can have a lie in and chill.”

“Dad wants help with his lawnmower.”

“We can look at that.”

“And you could look at Mum’s hip. She’s been complaining again.”

“Can do that too.”

“Well, you are her favourite son-in-law.”

“Jumping the gun there, aren’t we?”

“I didn’t mean that bit about getting married.”

“I didn’t think you did. But one day, Bastien, we might. No big party. No fuss. Just you and me and a piece of paper. Perhaps rings?”

“No rings.” I shuddered.

“No rings then. But whatever you decide, you belong to me. Can we agree on that? ”

I nodded. Then I took his drink out of his hand. Dragged him out on the dance floor and made him dance with me, his hips against mine, his arms around my back, smiling as I threw my arms in the air and let myself go.

Freedom. It was a strange concept, but I felt it. Loved and free and safe.

I unbuttoned my shirt, pulled it off to show off the harness I was wearing underneath. Another freedom. He gently traced the leather with his fingertips.

“This is a nice surprise,” he mouthed. I couldn’t hear him anyway. Just stuck my hand in my pocket and pulled out his gloves. Handed them to him with a wink.

“Later,” I mouthed.

He laughed. He had such a lovely laugh. And then he firmly tucked them in his back pocket, wrapped me up in a hug and swayed with me to the beat. Bodies all around us. Laughter and dancing. All the good things in the world. Love. I felt so much love.

And him.

“This is a good stag night,” he shouted into my ear.

“Whose stag night is it again?” I sassed back.

“Don’t care. As long as you’re here.”

Truth. Right there.