Page 53

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Stuffed from supper, Gracie fiddled with her dessert fork, ready to finally dive into talking about the night of that game. “Did I ever tell you about the cat I had back when I was a kid?”

Noah squinted an eye in thought—or more likely confusion about what her version of the game had to do with a childhood cat. “Pepper?”

“That was the neighbor’s dog who bit me. No, I’m talking about Morris. As a kitten he reminded me of that book about Morris the moose, so that’s what I named him.”

Gracie paused while the waitress delivered their chocolate dessert before continuing her story. “I picked Morris out of a litter from the neighbor’s house. Same neighbor whose dog bit me. I think he felt bad, so he let me take a kitten for free. Although I’m not really sure how much of a deal that was, considering he was begging people to take one.”

Gracie shrugged and dug her fork into the mound of chocolate. “Point is I loved Morris. I put cute little bows on him. Dragged him around town in my bicycle basket. Carried him with me everywhere I went. You get the idea.”

“You loved that cat.”

“I loved that cat.”

“What happened to him?”

“MaryAnn Merkle happened to him.” Gracie exchanged the fork in her hand for the mug of coffee, the memory of that woman as bitter as the brew. “In all the time I grew up, my dad never dated anybody. Mona didn’t mind. She remembered my mom and never wanted anybody to replace that role. Plus, Mona had taken the responsibility of my surrogate mother and queen boss and I’m pretty sure she never wanted anybody replacing that role either.”

“Why does that not surprise me?”

“But no matter what Mona said, I wanted a mom. I used to ask for one at Christmas every year, even long after I stopped believing in Santa Claus. And when MaryAnn Merkle moved to town and became my fifth-grade teacher, I thought it was finally going to happen. She was so pretty and nice. She wore these fashionable outfits, always smelled like fancy perfume, and she wasn’t married. It seemed a no-brainer to me. I started doing bad on my schoolwork just so she and my dad would have reasons to talk to one another.”

“Quite the little matchmaker.”

“You could’ve called me Emma. You know, Jane Austen? Never mind. The point is even Mona couldn’t find fault with the lovely Miss Merkle. I figured I’d have a mother in no time. Until the fateful night she stopped over to return my coat, which I, of course, had left behind in hopes of her stopping by to return it.”

Noah stabbed a bite from the cake, then nudged the plate toward her, so she could take another bite when she was ready.

“At first everything went according to plan. She handed my dad the coat. He thanked her. They started talking. Joking. Laughing. He invited her in. Then that was the moment when everything went downhill. Fast.”

“Let me guess. Miss Merkle was allergic to cats.”

“Worse. Miss Merkle was terrified of cats.”

He quirked a brow at her as he wiped his mouth off with a napkin.

“The way some people feel about snakes, that’s the way she felt about cats. She screamed and ran right out the door.”

“Because of a cat?”

“A cat wearing a cute red bow. I guess something happened in her childhood, I don’t know, she tried explaining it to my dad, but whatever it was, she couldn’t get past it and said she’d never feel comfortable stepping foot in the same house as a cat, which meant she’d never be comfortable entering into a relationship with a man with a cat.”

Noah cracked a smile. “Poor Buck.”

“Poor Buck? How about poor Gracie? I’m the one who ended up giving the cat away.”

Noah swiped his finger across a thick layer of frosting. “Yeah, but I can only imagine the drama of dealing with you and your sister at those ages. How’d he talk you into giving up the cat?”

“Please. Have you met my dad? He’d never have the heart to tell a daughter of his to give away the love of her life. No, that was all Mona.”

“I thought she didn’t care about having another mom.”

“Turns out she cared a great deal about having another mom. She wouldn’t stop badgering me. Wouldn’t you rather have a mother instead of a cat? A cat’s average life expectancy is only fifteen years. Miss Merkle is bound to live a lot longer than that. To which I’d point out our first mother didn’t make it very long. To which she’d point out how I played a factor in that, since her death did occur shortly after childbirth, and didn’t I owe it to everybody to make a sacrifice after all they’d done for me.”

“Your sister is something else.”

“She’s certainly good about getting her way. Eventually I gave in. I handed Morris over to a classmate who lived out on a farm. She said her parents wouldn’t notice another barn cat. Can you believe that? A barn cat. My little Morris with bows became a barn cat. And for what? Nothing.”

Gracie shoveled a bite of cake into her mouth, covering her mouth with her napkin as she spoke. “Miss Merkle never married dad. She started dating the town dentist.”

“I caught something about a dentist.”

“Sorry.” She wiped her lips off and swallowed. “She married the dentist the following summer and moved to Chicago. And you want to know what happened to Morris?”

“I’m guessing something not good.”

“Eaten by a pack of coyotes.”

“For real?”

Gracie shrugged. “Eaten by something. My classmate said he disappeared. She had the decency to bring me back his bow, which was all mangled and dirty. If I’d taken a DNA sample, I’m sure I would have found it covered in coyote saliva. Either way, I couldn’t give him a proper burial—not that anybody bothered showing up for his funeral.”

“You had a funeral for your cat?”

“Tried to. I buried his bow and attempted a eulogy, but I couldn’t really get much out past the tears. But I at least got out more than Mona. All she had to say when I came home for supper that evening was, ‘Oh well. He was just a cat.’ She never cried. Never cared. She didn’t even seem that upset over losing Miss Merkle to the dentist, to be honest. When I complained to my dad, his only response was, ‘Well, kiddo, sometimes you just got to learn not to hold onto things too tight.’”

Gracie shoved away the last bit of cake, her appetite gone. “You asked about my version of that game. Well, as pathetic as it sounds, that’s pretty much it. After I got off the phone with you, I felt like once again, there I was, standing by myself over a pile of dirt mourning something that nobody else seemed to care about.”

“I wanted a baby too, Gracie.”

“Sure you did. The way Mona wanted another mom. The way Dad wanted another wife. It would be nice, but hey, if it doesn’t work out, oh well. Don’t hold on to that dream too tight, right?”

Noah leaned forward. “That’s not how it was for me.”

“Sure. I could tell how much you cared by the way you never missed a single game every time the pregnancy test was negative.”

“I still had a job to do, whether you got pregnant or not. And that’s what it was, Gracie. A job. It wasn’t me blowing you off for another poker night with the boys. It was my career. Our livelihood. We both saw what it was like living paycheck to paycheck, and you better believe I wasn’t ever letting us go back to that again.”

“I know. And that’s not... I don’t want to argue about this. You asked for my version of that game, remember? Well, this is me trying to explain.”

When Noah’s fingers grazed her hand, she tugged her hands into her lap. She couldn’t explain with him touching her. Hard enough to explain with him just looking at her.

“I grew up without a mom. The one thing I wanted more than anything was to get the chance to be a mom. I would have done anything. I would have gone through any amount of testing. I would have given myself any amount of shots. I would have filled out any amount of paperwork. I would’ve flown anywhere. I would have done anything to hold a child in my arms that I could call son or daughter—so long as I could do it with you. I was too scared to do it alone.”

“You wouldn’t have had to do it alone.”

“I was already doing it alone!” Gracie shot a glance around the restaurant and lowered her voice. “Sorry. I thought I could do this, but I can’t.”