Page 101 of Finding His Redemption

“Among other things.”

“You think I did it.” It wasn’t a question.

Her gaze snapped back to his. “No!” she said quickly. Too quickly. “I don’t.”

Jax felt something cold settle in his stomach. “But you’re not sure.”

She didn’t deny it. Just stood there, looking at him with those big brown eyes that used to warm when they saw him. Now they were guarded, uncertain.

“You know me, Ness,” he said quietly. “You know I wouldn’t?—”

“Do I?” she interrupted. “Do I really know you, Jax? Because sometimes I think I don’t know you at all.”

The words landed like body blows. He took a step back, his back hitting the door.

“What happened?” he asked. “Who was in that SUV?”

“I don’t know.”

She was lying. “Talk to me, Nessie. What changed?”

“Nothing.” She ran a hand over her face. “Everything. I don’t know.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“It’s the only one I have right now.” She looked up at him, and for a moment, he saw a flash of the Nessie he knew—vulnerable, honest. “I need time, Jax. Space to figure things out.”

“Is this because I punched Murdock?” He didn’t know what she’d been through, but he knew whatever happened had been violent. He’d let his anger get the better of him, and now she was pulling away. “I know you hate violence, and I’m sorry?—”

“It’s not just that.” She wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly looking smaller. “Though seeing you like that... it did scare me.”

The admission hit him harder than any punch. The look she was giving him now… he’d seen that look before on the faces of the people who’d witnessed what he was capable of when the darkness took hold. Sheriff Rawlings. Shane. Alexis. Rylan. Even his lawyer, Cal, had looked at him like he was something dangerous that might snap at any moment.

Maybe he was.

“I would never hurt you,” he said more roughly than he wanted. “Never.”

“I know that.” But she still wouldn’t meet his eyes. “It’s not about what you’d do to me, Jax. It’s about what you’d do to others if you thought they were a threat to me.” She hesitated. “I know what you’re capable of. I read all the articles, remember?”

Blood rushed in his ears until he could hear nothing but the dull roar, and his throat closed up around a hard knot of shame. “You weren’t bothered by it a few days ago.”

She twisted her hands in front of her, then seemed to realize what she was doing and dropped them to her sides. “Well, I am now.”

“I wasn’t… well then, Nessie. But I’ve been in therapy, I’m clean and sober, I take my meds faithfully—” His voice cracked,and he had to stop and take a breath. “I don’t know who I am now, but I do know I don’t want to be that man I was ever again.”

She was silent for several long, heavy minutes.

“Nessie, please. Say something.”

She finally lifted her gaze to his, and tears glimmered in her eyes. “I know all that, Jax. I do. But, even with all the work you’ve done, you’re still just one bad day away from ending up back in prison. You proved that this week, and…” She pressed her lips together and shook her head as the tears spilled over. “I’m sorry. I can’t have you around my son.”

With that, she hurried past him and waited until he moved out of the way so she could pull open the door.

“Nessie…”

She didn’t look back, and a moment later, he heard her footsteps on the stairs going up to her apartment.

He slumped against the wall as all the air left his lungs. That familiar black hole opened in his chest, the one that whispered she was right, he was poison, and everyone he cared about would be better off without him.