Page 30 of Fen

Epilogue

20 years later

Ripley had never been more stressed in his life. His heart was juddering in his chest. It couldn’t be banging against his ribs but it felt as if that was exactly what it was doing. This was not the time to have a heart attack, though he was in the right place—in a hospital, surrounded by cardiologists, so if it did…

Stop fucking thinking about yourself!

Though, in his defence, he was only doing it to stop himself worrying about Fen. As if there was any likelihood of that. Ripley had one hand in his pocket, constantly rotating the hare netsuke. His good luck charm. It had turned out to be worth tens of thousands, but he’d never sell it.

“It’s okay,” Fen said, reading his mind, as usual.

Where had Ripley’s poker face gone? He couldn’t hide anything from Fen.

“It really is okay,” Fen repeated.

No, it isn’t.

Fen lay in bed looking as ethereally beautiful as he had all those years ago when they’d first met. Older, pale and too thin, but his blue eyes still bright. Ripley had a tight hold of Fen’s hand and he really didn’t want to let go. Except he’d have to, soon. He might not want to think about it, but he knew this could be the last time he was able to speak to Fen and hear him answer, the last chance to see his wide smile and hear his cheeky voice, and that just about destroyed him.

“The surgeon has done this hundreds of times,” Fen said. “I expect he could do it in his sleep. A robotic heart, implanted by a robot. Things are different now. No one had to die for me to get their heart. Rejection is a thing of the past.”

“We could have waited a little longer.”

“True, but the longer I waited, the greater the risk I’d not make it to this point. Plus, the survival rate… We looked, we judged, we decided.”

Ripley knew that between them they’d made the right decision but—if anything went wrong, how could he carry on living?

The nurse had given Fen his pre-op sedative and he kept yawning.

“Am I boring you?” Ripley lifted Fen’s hand and kissed his fingers.

“You never bore me.” Fen yawned again. “Not unless you’re talking about cricket. Who would have guessed a sport could be so dull?”

Fen had still gone to matches with him, though he usually read a book at Ripley’s side.

“It’s not dull. It’s strategic and tactical, and occasionally exciting.”

“Hmm. I’d rather go for random and spontaneous, and always exciting. It’s more fun.”

Ripley managed a laugh. “You nearly got us arrested.”

“Nearly being the important word.” Fen sighed. “I’m looking forward to going home. No more hospital food. Lovely views from our windows rather than concrete and air-conditioning equipment. Walks in the countryside. And best of all, 643 channels on the TV.”

Ripley chuckled. “Anything else?”

“Walking upstairs without gasping for breath. Playing golf.”

“You don’t play golf.”

“Oh no. I forgot. Best of all being in bed with you and you not panicking every time we wrapped our arms around each other and…” he lowered his voice, “we got up to fun stuff. I didn’t like you worrying I might not wake up.”

The lump in Ripley’s throat threatened to choke him.

“We’ve had the best life,” Fen whispered.

Ripley nodded. Speech was beyond him.

“I’ve enjoyed every bit of it.” Fen stroked his fingers. “Everything we’ve seen and done. Places we’ve been to. All our adventures.”

“You sound as if you’re saying goodbye.”

Fen met his gaze and Ripley knew that was exactly what Fen was doing because all that should be said, needed to be said in case this was goodbye.

“I did another photobook,” Fen said.

“Did you? What is it this time? Me frowning again?”

“No. You smiling.”

Every so often over the last twenty years, a photobook had arrived with pictures Fen had taken of the two of them or just Ripley—many themed in some way. Ripley looking surprised, Ripley half-naked, Ripley eating… He’d got his own back and produced books about Fen. Fen sleeping, Fen laughing, Fen’s arse…

“I love you,” Ripley whispered. “Thank you for all you’ve taught me about myself and about life. Thank you for taking care of me, for being my best friend. Thank you for being you. There’s one thing I need you to do for me because if you don’t, I will break and nothing in the world will mend me. You are not to die.” Ripley immediately regretted saying the word die. For weeks, he’d been trying hard to avoid it.

“I’ll try not to.”

“It was an order. Trying is not part of it.”

“Yes, Master.”

“I can’t…” Words failed him.

“Yes, you can,” Fen said. “I know you’re anxious, but in a few hours, I’ll be back here and you’ll be next to me and the first thing I’ll see when I open my eyes will be you glaring at me because we both know how patient you are. Right now, the world might feel dark and scary, but love will shine through. I believe it and you need to as well.”

The door swung open. “Ready for you now, Fen,” said one of the nurses.

Ripley squeezed Fen’s hand one last time, then kissed him. “Je t’adore.”

“Bastard.” Fen mock-glared. “You’re not allowed to turn me on with sexy talk when I can’t do anything about it.Kimi ga itooshī.”

“Watashi wa anata o kurutta yō ni aishiteimasu, aisuruhito.”

Fen had told him he adored him and Ripley responded—I adore you madly, my love.

Fen’s Adam’s apple shifted in his throat as he stared at him, and Ripley’s heart clamped.

“I’m scared,” Fen whispered.

Fen! Fen! Don’t tell me that. Ripley could so easily shatter. “Look at your arm. Read the words. Strong. Brave. True. That’s you. This is not the end. It’s the start of the rest of our lives. There’s so much more we’re going to do together.”

“Knitting and Sudoku and watching awful afternoon shows on the TV cuddled up under a crocheted blanket?”

“Yes, all of that.” Ripley made himself smile.

“I love you,” Fen whispered.

“I love you too. Eien ni.Forever. I’ll be here waiting.” Ripley watched as Fen was wheeled away. Brave, strong and true. He kept watching until he couldn’t see him anymore.

Ripley didn’t leave the hospital. He stayed in the waiting area, and either sat and worried, or paced and worried. Daisy and Alistair arrived just before four, when Fen was due out of surgery. Judd turned up too, and Seth and Morgan. They greeted each other, but no-one talked, not even Seth who rarely let an opportunity to chatter go by unused. Heart replacement surgery was relatively commonplace, but it was still risky. They were all anxious.

Four thirty came and went and Ripley felt more on edge than he’d hoped. At five, he was officially concerned. No one had come to tell them what was happening. He glanced at Morgan and raised his eyebrows in a plea for help, enough to get Morgan to his feet. But before Morgan had taken a step, Fen’s doctor came in. Ripley knew something was wrong. Somehow, he managed to get up and walk across the room, though it felt as if lead weights were attached to his legs.

Don’t tell me he’s dead. Don’t say it. Don’t. Don’t…

“Fen came through the surgery well. He’s in cardiac ITU and on ventilation.”

There is a but coming. Ripley could feel it growing in his chest, suffocating him.

“He’s a little slower to come round than we’d hoped but there’s no cause for alarm.”

Oh Fen. You hate being slow at anything.

“So he’s going to be all right?” Daisy was at Ripley’s side, clinging to Alistair’s hand.

“So far so good. We’ll continue to reduce sedation over the next two to six hours, providing electrolytes, heart rhythmand blood pressure are okay. And they are.”

So far so good? Ripley tried to tell himself he was expecting too much. After major heart surgery, he couldn’t expect any doctor to be full of reassurances.

“Can we see him?” Daisy asked.

“Remember he’s unconscious. A machine is helping him breathe and he’s attached to a lot of equipment, but in a little while, yes, a short visit from close family is fine.”

Fen’s friends and family looked at Ripley. He knew they expected him to want to go in first, but he couldn’t.

He hadn’t changed his mind even after they’d waited another thirty minutes for a nurse to come and tell them they could now see Fen.

“You go,” he said to Fen’s mother.

“Thank you.” Daisy held onto Alistair and they went together.

Ripley felt a moment of guilt that Daisy thought he was doing her a favour, when his offer had been made through cowardice.

They weren’t in there long.

Daisy hugged Ripley when she came out. “He looks…” She stifled a sob. “My boy…”

Don’t make me cry.

They left, then Morgan and Seth came back from Fen’s bed and Morgan shot Ripley a little smile.

“Everything looks fine,” Morgan said. “He’s in good hands. He’ll wake when he’s ready.”

Judd spent longer with him than the others and he was crying when he came back.

“I’m not used to him being so quiet,” Judd said. “Would you like me to stay with you?”

“Go home, Judd. There’s nothing anyone can do. I’ll call you if there’s any news.”

Judd nodded and left.

Ripley carried on sitting there and didn’t go in to see him. He could hear Fen talking in his head.

You promised. You said you’d be waiting, and waiting anywhere other than the side of my bed doesn’t bloody count. Get in here! Now!

Ripley’s brain managed what his heart couldn’t, and he went to see him.

Fen had a tube in his mouth, electrodes on his chest, a dressing over the incision, lines going to bags of fluid, others to syringes inserted into machines, cannulas in his arm and hand, machines beeping…all this to keep him alive. Why do I want to look at any of that? Look at his face. It’s still him, still the man you love.

“You can sit with him,” a nurse said.

He gently took Fen’s hand and made himself look at Fen’s face. Still Fen. Still alive and he needs me. Maybe not as much as I need him, but… “You can wake up now, lazy bones.”

Fen was never lazy. Tired, yes, but never lazy. He always tried so hard.

Ripley stroked his fingers. “Do you remember the first ski holiday we had? One lesson on how to use an adaptive bike and you were bloody fearless. The instructor said you took to it better than anyone he’d ever seen. I couldn’t believe it when you launched yourself down that black run. You made it look easy. Everyone was in awe. Even getting on and off the chairlifts didn’t worry you. I was so proud.”

Had he told Fen he was proud of him? He hoped he had.

Using a skibob might not have been as physically demanding as ordinary skiing, but every night, Fen had fallen asleep the moment he lay on the bed—clothes on or half-off. They’d both laughed about it.

“Come back to me, baby,” Ripley whispered.

Fen liked the mountains. He’d loved his first time in a plane, but the scenery in the Austrian resort had stolen the air from his lungs. Seeing pictures was nowhere near as amazing as being there, breathing in the mountain air, being dazzled by the brightness of the snow, the deep blue of the sky. He’d never seen anything so beautiful. But he’d had to fight to persuade Ripley to ski with his mates that first day.

“I mean it,” Fen said. “You don’t need to watch me having a lesson. Please, just go. Tomorrow, we can ski together.”

“Call me if you need anything.”

“Even a cup of coffee?”

Ripley sighed.

“Fine, I promise.” Fen breathed a sigh of relief when Ripley headed off, then turned and went into the ski school office. He wasn’t even sure if he was going to manage this. The skibobs looked fun and he really wanted to do it, but if he found it was too difficult, he’d have to look for something else to do. Build a huge pile of snowballs to throw at Ripley. Go for a sleigh ride. Maybe toboggan.

“Hi.” Fen stepped up to the desk. “Fen Wood. I have a lesson booked.”

The guy came from behind the counter and shook his hand. “I’m Kurt, your instructor. We are going to have fun today.”

Fen’s heart gave a little jump, probably in a combination of excitement and fear. Kurt’s English was excellent so Fen had no excuse for not doing exactly as he was told. The skibob was a bit like a wheel-less bike, with two separate skates under the frame and the handlebars. In addition, Fen had mini skis fixed under his ski boots. But once he got the hang of how the skibob moved, he was hooked. The mobility it gave him was addictive.

Negotiating the ski lift had been daunting, particularly when he watched people mess up, but with Kurt’s help, he managed it first time, and once the bar was down, Fen sat back and enjoyed the panoramic view. There was no way of spotting Ripley or the others. Everyone looked the same.

“Beautiful, yes?” Kurt said.

“Astonishing.”

Fen was determined to master this. He wanted to ski with Ripley and his friends and not hold anyone up. He was soon going to discover if there was any chance of that.

They slid away from the top of the chair lift and Kurt made sure Fen was stable as they moved across the top of the slope. Fen had listened to all Kurt’s instructions on how to turn, how to stop and he was desperate to have a go.

“I’ll hold onto the back until I see how you manage,” Kurt told him. “Plenty of turns to slow yourself down. Don’t try for 120 miles per hour on the first run.”

Fen laughed. “Second run?”

“I knew you were going to be trouble.”

“Remember when you were a poster-boy for BMD?” Ripley whispered. “How much money you raised?”

Elite Models had found a way to contact Fen after all the coverage of Fen being Jack Miller’s son. They’d assured Fen that wanting him to model for them had nothing to do with that, though Ripley and Fen thought otherwise. Fen had been reluctant but changed his mind when Elite had made him an offer difficult to refuse.

“I thought you’d say no,” Ripley said. “I wanted you to say no at first. I wasn’t sure how I felt about your face being everywhere. You spending time away from me. Then I realised I was being selfish. I wanted people to look at you and your smile, and for them to smile back.”

Fen hadn’t been interested in being a model, but then Elite had come up with an offer from one of the largest fashion houses. If he’d model their clothes, they’d pay a substantial sum of money towards research into muscular dystrophy. That offer made it virtually impossible for Fen to say no. He suspected Elite hoped to entice him to do more for them afterwards. He’d been persuaded into one more campaign but then stopped because it took him away from Ripley and every moment with him was precious to Fen.

Modelling and raising money for charity had ended up making his father look bad. His lack of response to what Fen was doing had been noted and commented on. In the end, his father’s publicist had made a statement saying Jack would match the contribution made by the fashion house to the charity. So good had been done there.

Fen had used some of the money he’d made to buy his mum a wedding dress. She’d looked beautiful in the Italian sunshine. Charles, Diana and Scott had not been invited. Charles had been more livid about Scott’s gambling debts than the theft of the ring or the sale of private information about Fen’s father, and mild-mannered Alistair had been furious. It had been the end of their business relationship and the start of Fen and Alistair’s.

But the wedding… It had been so wonderful. Fen had walked his mother along a carpet of petals and Alistair had cried as they’d reached him. His mum had said Fen wasn’t giving her away because she would always be there for him.

Just like Ripley. He was there but Fen couldn’t quite…

“Wake up, sweetheart.” Ripley felt Fen should be showing some signs of stirring, but the ventilator continued to push air into his lungs.

“We should go to Japan again.” Ripley’s voice cracked. “Everything we saw before, I’d love to see again. You trying to put on that kimono. Your face when I ate that unidentifiable food in the market. The way you gagged when—”

Ripley was shocked when he felt Fen’s fingers move. His eyelids fluttered and Ripley looked round for the nurse. “I think he’s waking.”

That was a cue for Ripley to have to go back to the waiting room. He paced until finally a doctor appeared. A different one. Ripley held his breath.

“Fen’s breathing on his own. He’s going to be in and out of consciousness for a while. You have to be patient. Come and see him and then go home and get some rest.”

Fen looked more like Fen without the tube, though his lovely blue eyes were closed. Ripley leaned over and kissed him, then sat at his side.

“I’m still waiting.” He took hold of Fen’s hand and squeezed. There was no movement, no flickering of eyelids. “Open your eyes.”

Fen was a sleeping beauty, breathing on his own but not awake. Not even for Ripley’s kisses.

“Can you hear me, Fen? I’m going to have one of the sandwiches you love for my lunch. I’m not going to save you half if you don’t wake up.”

Fen didn’t wake.

Bastard! Still his favourite sandwich. Fen could feel himself trying to tell Ripley to leave him half but he didn’t think the words were coming out of his mouth. They’d not been long back from their first ski holiday when Ripley had come home with one of those delicious sandwiches and a bottle of champagne.

“There’s a present in this bag.”

Fen’s heart had just about catapulted out of his chest when he pulled out a pair of small black silk shorts and a silk blindfold. He got what Ripley was telling him. After worrying he’d messed things up and Ripley wouldn’t get asked to take silk, this was him saying it had happened.

“Congratulations!” Fen hugged him.

“Matthew was begrudging with his.”

“Because he’s an arsehole.”

“Like them?” Ripley nodded to the things Fen was holding.

“The shorts might be a bit tight for you.”

“I bought a bigger pair for me.”

Fen sucked in a breath. “Are you wearing them?”

“Put yours on and come and find out.”

“But my sandwich,” Fen wailed.

The sandwich could wait. Fen remembered how it felt to rub against Ripley when they were both wearing silky underwear and he groaned. Oh yes. They needed to do that again.

Ripley didn’t go home and get some rest. How could he rest if he wasn’t with Fen?Ripley couldn’t leave him. Even if listening to him groan made him want to cry. The nurses reassured him Fen wasn’t in pain but how did they know?

As long as he was allowed to be by Fen’s side, that was where he stayed. He talked until he was hoarse about anything and everything. He was surprised he didn’t run out of things to waffle on about but he didn’t. It was a reminder of how great life had been with Fen at his side.

The drug trial Fen had been put on when he was twenty-four had worked the little miracle they’d hoped for. Fen’s health had stabilised for longer than they’d expected. It had allowed them to travel, to do things together, including a sky dive for a BMD charity. He still couldn’t believe Fen had talked him into it. Ripley had done his best to hide his nerves but Fen had been fearless. He remembered how Fen’s face had shone with excitement while Ripley suspected his own was white with fear.

Life with Fen was never dull. Ever. How many people could say that about their relationship?

He put an earbud in Fen’s ear and one in his and they listened to music together. He played everything Fen loved, then went for everything Fen hated. Still no response.

The nursing staff said he’d stirred a few times for them when they’d been messing around with his tubes, but he hadn’t opened his eyes for Ripley.

“Please wake up,” Ripley whispered. “I need you to wake up. Who else is going to make me laugh? Who else will adore me like you do? Waking in the morning and remembering how much I love you is what makes my world turn. I love you so much. I can’t lose you. I can’t. I love you. I love you. I love you.” If ever they needed a miracle, it was now. Please!

He talked to him about cricket, explaining the rules, rerunning a match, play by play, over by over…

“For fuck’s sake.”

Ripley carried on talking for a moment until he registered Fen had spoken. “Fen?”

Fen blinked and opened his eyes. Ripley flung himself at the call button, then gaped at Fen.

“What?” Fen rasped.

“You woke up.”

“How can I sleep when you keep talking?”

Ripley let out a choked groan.

“One more word about cricket and I’m going to divorce you,” Fen croaked.

“We’re not married.”

Fen widened his eyes. “Aren’t we?”

“You kept saying no. I stopped asking.”

“I like it when you ask.”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes.” Fen smiled and Ripley’s heart swelled with joy.

“You mean it?”

“I never say anything I don’t mean. I love you. Stop talking about cricket or when I’m out of here, I’m going to kill you.”

Ripley laughed. “Welcome back.”

The End