Page 15

Chapter 4: Giving In

I hesitated at the last minute, letting my knuckles slowly come to a rest against the door. I glanced behind me with guilty eyes, as if someone on the street might know what I was doing — and what I wanted. There was no one there save for someone down the street mowing the lawn, the loud buzz filling my head.

You could just leave. I thought, heart racing. But you know you're not going to. You have to know.

I raised my hand again, just about to knock when the door suddenly swung open. Susan looking to the side, fishing for something next to the door. I was so startled that I took a step backwards, words suddenly caught in my throat. ?

"Eddie!" she yelped as saw me, her hand going to her chest in surprise. "My goodness, you scared the wits right out of me!"

"So sorry, Mrs. Lovell," I said meekly, trying to calm myself. "Didn't mean to startle you."

"What can I do for you?"

"I, uh," I stammered, breaking her gaze immediately and staring at the floor. "Well, you see — the thing is —"

"Yes?" she asked earnestly. "Is there something I can help you with?"

"I — I — I brought your panties back," I hissed in a rushed whisper.

Her face changed, a knowing smile spreading across it. It sent a nervous thrill down my spine, filling me with hope and dread. I needed her to know what I wanted. I hoped she would give it me. And I was terrified that she actually might.

"Those are yours now, my dear," she said, crossing her arms. "A little thank-you gift for helping me move."

"Oh, I see," I said, trying not to let the dejection I felt color my voice. "That's, uh, very nice of you."

"Oh, it's my pleasure," she said bouncily. "Sharing the things we love with others is such a kindness, don't you think?"

"I guess so." I paused, looking back up at her.

"Eddie, dear, is there something else you need?" she asked, cocking an eyebrow, the same shrewd expression on her face. "Maybe there's something you'd like to share with me?"

She's really going to make me say it?

I gulped and tried to steady myself.

"I, uh — I was wondering if we, uh, we could do that again," I managed, the words jettisoning from my mouth in a continuous stream.

Susan smiled and stood back from the doorway, gesturing inside. "Why don't you come in, Eddie, and I'll get the coffee started."

I followed her in and she gestured towards the pink couch I had sat on before. The room was fully unpacked now, full of curvaceous antique furniture draped in velvet and silk, crystal lamps, elegant paintings. It felt like being in the room of a Hollywood star from the '40s — I could imagine Susan in a diaphanous dressing gown lounging on the pink chaise in the corner, flipping idly through a magazine.

"I'm afraid I'm not quite sure what you mean, Eddie," she called from the kitchen. "Moving has been such a whirlwind, you know how it is. Could you remind me?"

At least we were inside now. No chance anyone might overhear.

"Ah, well, Mrs. Lovell," I said haltingly, palms beginning to sweat. "When I helped you move in, you were kind enough to, uh, show me some of your old clothes."

"Oh yes," came her voice. "Actually, some of my dear departed husband's things."

"Oh, yes, of course," I said, too anxious to fully process the words she was saying. "Well, you were very nice and showed them to me and, uh, how to, um, wear them. "

"Is that what I did?"

"Yes, Mrs. Lovell, and I was wondering, well — hoping — thinking maybe, well, if there was a way that you could — that we, that I —"

"That you could what, dear?" she asked, coming into the living room, setting a cup of coffee in front of me.

It was too much to look at her while I asked. I screwed my eyes shut and tried to breathe steadily, willing my heart to slow down and the butterflies in my stomach to leave. The green panties flashed in my mind, and immediately I began to wonder what else were in those boxes.

I have to know.

"It's just, well, I was curious about what else was there," I tried again. "And since it's all, well, it's new to me — I don't really know how to wear that sort of thing. I was hoping that maybe you could show me, er, again?"

I opened my eyes and looked at her hopefully. She was sipping her coffee, a placid expression on her face.

"Oh, I think so," she said. "Is there something in particular you wanted to learn about?"

"I, uh — well, you showed me the panties —" I began.

"Tell me what you'd like to do with them," she cut me off, her voice still kind but with an edge now.

"I, um," I stammered.

Why was this so hard?

I glanced down at my pants and was surprised to see they were tented.

And why am I?

I took a breath and tried again. "I'd like to put on another pair of panties, Mrs. Lovell, and anything else you have."

The words hung in the air between us for what felt like hours. I realized I wasn't looking at her, was staring instead at the grandfather clock in the corner. The pendulum swung slowly back and forth, my heart racing against it. This was it: I'd finally put it out there.

"Is that all, Eddie?" she asked airily, raising her eyebrows. "Aren't you at all curious about what they were doing in those magazines?"

I closed my eyes for a moment, remembering that she knew I had taken them.

"Yes, Mrs. Lovell," I answered like a child caught being naughty. "I am."

"Why don't you tell me what you'd like to do," she said, sipping her coffee again.

"I — I want to put on panties just like in those magazines," I said, letting the truth finally out. "I want to wear those pretty clothes, and I want you to show me how to do it."

There was another pause while she looked at me. I could see her thinking about it, sizing me up.

Oh shit, I thought in a panic. She's going to say no. She's going to kick you out. She's going to tell everyone — everyone's going to know you wanted to crossdress and —

"Those 'pretty clothes' are called lingerie, Eddie," she said, setting the coffee down on the table. "And if you'd like to wear them, I have two conditions for you."

I nodded eagerly, anxiety quickly being replaced with anticipation.

Was this really going to happen?

"The first is that you be fully honest with me, Edward. No more sneaking things out of my house. If you'd like something, please ask me. Do you understand?"

I looked down at my feet, ashamed with myself.

"Of course, Mrs. Lovell. I'm very sorry I took the magazines like that. I know I shouldn't have — I knew it as I was doing it! I was just so embarrassed by them but so curious —"

She raised a hand to cut me off.

"Apology accepted. You'll have plenty of chances to make it up to me if you say yes to my second condition."

?I looked back up at her, waiting to hear it.

"You must agree that we'll do everything at my pace. You'll follow my instructions to a tee. I won't ask you to do anything unpleasant, Eddie, only what you're ready for. But I'm not interested in wasting my time and clothes if you're going to abandon all of this the next time you have an orgasm."

There was a fire behind her eyes I hadn't seen before, an intensity that belied her gentle, almost matronly outer appearance. I realized that I was seeing Susan Lovell for whom she might actually be inside — not just a neighbor or a kindly middle-aged woman. This was a tiny glimpse into whom she really was.

"I understand, Mrs. Lovell," I said, nodding once. "I agree. You'll be in charge."

"Excellent. Now let's get you dressed."