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Chapter Eleven

C harlotte

“If you haven’t sent me your paper outlines yet, please do so by Sunday night,” I say, glancing around the room full of students. My students, I think proudly.

A young woman in the front of the classroom raises her hand.

“Yes, Daniella?” I keep my gaze firmly on her and avoid looking at Hendy in the same row a few seats to her right.

“I thought the syllabus said they were due Friday.” She frowns as her fingers click across her keyboard, clearly checking the original due date.

“They were, but you’re in luck because I’ll be away this weekend,” I explain, shoving my laptop into my bag. “So you’ll have extra time to complete the assignment.”

“Sweet,” a male student exclaims loudly from the back of the room. Some other students snicker.

I give him a look that says, Keep it up and it’ll be due today .

“Sorry, Professor. It’s just good news,” he mumbles.

“Alright, then. I’ll see you all next week and will look for your completed work in my inbox Sunday night.”

The students begin to leave as I pack up the rest of my bag and head out the room. Bypassing my office, which I’d already locked up, I head downstairs to the building exit. When I step outside, I have to shield my eyes from the bright sunshine that streams across my face. It solidifies the decision I made earlier today to get away this weekend and go hiking up in the mountains. I need time to get away and clear my head and to figure out what I’m going to do about Joel.

I stop in the middle of the quad and close my eyes for a moment to enjoy the warmth. I didn’t know this kind of thing in England between the clouds and rain of the fall. Suddenly a large shadow blocks the sun’s rays and the warmth is lost.

“Where are you going this weekend, Professor?”

My eyes fly open and squint up at Joel, who stands in front of me with a scowl across his face. Clearly, he’s displeased. “Away…” I offer vaguely, not wanting to start this conversation out in the open, as I stare up at his handsome features.

It’s so difficult not to want to kiss him. I miss the feel of his lips on me. I miss the slide of my fingers over his skin.

I just miss him in the way one misses a lover.

He raises an eyebrow, awaiting a better response.

“Fine,” I acquiesce. “If you must know, I’m going hiking.”

“Alone? Where?” Is that concern in his questions? Or is he looking to invite himself along?

I give him a pointed look. He doesn’t budge, obviously intent on getting this information from me.

I’m suddenly tired of resisting him. It’s the reason I want to get away this weekend—so I can clear my head and my heart of this mess. I really need to discuss it with the dean and let go of the guilt I carry every day that I lie about my relationship with Joel. Taking in a deep breath, I rest my butt against the wood of a table in the quad.

“The Clearview Falls ski resort. My cousin’s home is available, and I want some time alone…in nature.” It’s the truth.

As much as we were able to hang out the other night and keep our hands off each other, it nearly killed me not to touch him. When he picked me up and carried me into my bedroom, I wanted so badly to open my eyes and tell him to stay. But I didn’t for obvious reasons. And now, I’m left in this purgatory of wanting something I can’t have.

Why must he be my student?

The good thing is that we’re already scheduled for midterms next week and after that, there are only six weeks left before the end of the semester. And then I’ll be grading twenty research papers before Christmas break. The task is daunting but fills me with a serene sense of accomplishment. This position is everything I’d ever hoped for, and I love working for this university.

“Hmmm. Well, that changes things,” he mutters, turning around to leave. “I gotta go. Enjoy your weekend.”

“Wait, what?” I ask, confused. “What changes things?”

Without another word, he leaves with a wave over his shoulder, and I watch as he walks toward the student center and then disappears from sight.

A million thoughts burst inside my mind like fireworks. Should I have asked him to come with me? Should I have restated the boundary I set the other night?

I still haven’t spoken to the dean yet because we aren’t currently doing anything unethical and haven’t crossed any lines, even if my thoughts of Joel are completely inappropriate.

The fact remains: Will I give Joel a chance after the semester is over?

As I walk back home, I contemplate that last question. Honestly, I don’t know yet.

* * *

Wildflowers of purple, white, and red paint the scenery from where I sit overlooking the valley below. It looks a lot different than it did last March. Although snow still covers the mountain peaks, nature is still harboring the last wisps of fall down here. The gold and yellow leaves of the cottonwoods and aspens are a beautiful contrast to the green of the pines. A gentle breeze blows across my face, and I breathe in the fresh air and lean back on the rock, staring up at the sky.

A restorative peace settles in my belly.

My life has never been simple, by any means. Privileged, maybe, but not easy when you grow up with a demanding father like mine. And right now, although I’m on my own, my life is a complex weave of uncertainty.

My classes are going well, and I’ve made a few faculty friends. I love the teaching aspect of my role but the amount of review and grading that has to be done is enormous. I’ve burnt the midnight oil prepping for my courses the next day or reading through outlines and student papers, not to mention the work I’ve put into my research paper. Making a good impression with my colleagues and seeing my students excel in the learning environment is rewarding and fulfilling.

Would I even have time for a relationship with Joel if the opportunity presented itself? I’d be heartbroken if I let him go and didn’t try to make something work, though, because he’s the kind of man I could see myself with forever.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and startles me out of my silent retreat. Of course it’s Poppy calling to check up on me.

“How’s the hike going, Lots? You haven’t fallen off a cliff, have you? Will I need to send medical aid?”

I lean my head over a bit to see the drop below and rear back. It’s definitely a long way down.

“Nope. No aid required,” I add confidently, drawing a circle with my finger over the boulder’s smooth surface.

“Not even the aid of your sexy student?” she asks devilishly.

I fight a smile, imagining Joel sitting next to me on this mountain top.

“Truthfully, I was just thinking about that…situation.”

“Great, then go do it—or him.”

“We’ve been over this, Pops. You know it’s complicated. Joel is great—not to mention young.” I groan. “It’s maybe the right man at the wrong time. Even if he weren’t my student, I don’t know if I’m ready to give a relationship a go.” And for reasons I can’t explain or maybe don’t want to admit, my eyes well with tears.

A loud peel of laughter howls through the phone line. So loud, in fact, I have to pull the phone from my ear, and I think I get an evil glare from a bird up in the tree above me.

“For the love of God, Lottie! The man is not Oliver. He won’t hurt you. Everything you’ve told me about this chap has me wanting to marry the goddamn bloke!” she insists. “If you could hear what I hear in your voice when you talk about him, it’s very revealing. I know he’s perfect for you. You just won’t admit it.”

For once, she sounds exasperated.

I am, too.

“It’s scary,” I admit, and grab my water bottle to wet my parched throat.

“I know it is. But you’re brave, lovey. Hell, you’re the bravest woman I know. You moved halfway around the world to escape your shitty ex. You got yourself into one of the hardest academic programs for your field. And then you up and moved across that continent to start a career. You did all of that. On. Your. Own,” she emphasizes, and I grin.

“Bravery won’t help my ethical dilemma, though, will it?” I point out, grabbing my hiking gear and heading back down the trail.

“It will. You just have to work around it or fix it,” she suggests.

“How?”

She heaves a sigh. “I don’t know. You’re smart. Figure it out. Talk to him and make a plan to wait it out, then shag him after he turns in his final paper.”

I pause at her last statement. “Hmm…I suppose I could do that. Or after I grade it.”

It’s still too risky. There’s still the possibility that students or faculty will find out and then think we’ve had an affair the entire semester and I played favorites with him.

“What if I wait and he graduates but gets a job and moves away? Then what?” I ask, looking down at the bumpy path to avoid any accidental falls.

“Cross that bridge in another six months. You spend far too much time thinking about the future. Just live in the moment, Lots.”

She’s not wrong. I do spend too much time worrying about things that are eons away.

“I’ll consider it,” I finally say so she’ll let this go. I know she wants what’s best for me, but I still need to think things over.

“That’s my girl. Now, shall I tell you about my hot man and his friend I shagged last night?”

I choke and nearly trip over my feet.

“Pops, I’m trying to pay attention to the trail! Jesus Christ, you can’t spring that on me when I’m hiking.”

She doesn’t seem to care and begins telling me about how she met the two men in a bar and their hot hookup that went on all night.

Sometimes I wish I could be more like Poppy. She’s fearless when it comes to sex and men.

After she finishes, I think I need a drink.

“Talk later?”

“Of course. But I’m serious, don’t give up on this one, Lots. If he makes you happy, don’t lose out on that. You deserve to be happy.”

“Thanks, Pops. I miss you,” I state sadly.

“You’re welcome. And I miss you too. Kisses,” she says, and the line goes dead.

I slide my phone back into my pocket and wonder what I would do without her.

She’s not wrong. I don’t give myself enough credit and I shouldn’t push away my chance at happiness.

Maybe there is a way to make this work and I should give us a chance.