Page 58 of Faeling (Monstrous World #4)

Later, so much later that it was only Ravenna, Vallek, and their guards remaining in the basilica, she stood from her throne and climbed into her azai ’s lap.

His warmth and arms immediately surrounded her, tucking her to his chest as they found a familiar position.

Her tired back melted into his big body, letting him take her weight.

Fates, what a day.

It wasn’t that she thought being his mate and queen would be easy—but she couldn’t have anticipated how it was one damn thing after another.

She supposed she should’ve expected this; not only was Vallek in the middle of forging a new kingdom, his taking her as his mate was, at least for orc chieftains, unprecedented.

Although, she doubted the life of a monarch, especially one as active as Vallek wanted to be, was ever truly peaceful. There would likely be lulls to look forward to, but if it wasn’t one thing, it was something else.

It was a reality she had to get used to.

The past few days had proved to her that while Vallek would do all he could to ease her burdens, she couldn’t rely on her previous coping techniques. She couldn’t run away and seclude herself. There would be no more long stretches of days by herself, with only her thoughts for company.

She wasn’t the halfling girl in that seaside cottage anymore.

Ravenna wasn’t sure what she was. Oh, to be sure, she knew what Vallek would tell her. She was his mate and queen of orc-kin. Perhaps that was true, but it didn’t feel as true as the halfling girl by the sea.

And perhaps, watching Vallek split open the head of a traitor, she could understand why.

At the heart of their mating, their friendship, their very acquaintance, was a betrayal. A lie by omission.

Although the spy’s body had long since been taken away and the blood mopped up from the flagstones, Ravenna could still see the shadows of that gory pool. She didn’t regret witnessing the execution, nor bear any sympathy towards the traitor—yet, in her darkened mood, she couldn’t help a shudder.

Vallek’s arms tightened around her. “Are you cold?”

“No, just tired.” She was, in fact, so warm and cozy in his arms that she was loath to move, even back to their rooms to undress. Her ears ached from all the earrings, and her shoulders complained from all the stiff posture, but for the moment, she was far too comfortable to get up.

“I regret you had to see that,” he rumbled, “but you handled it impressively.”

Ravenna lifted her head to better see him. He offered a conciliatory grin that didn’t reach his eyes. Oh, her poor azai was hurting. He might have said she had a soft, vulnerable heart, but, really, it was his that was softest.

Laying her hand over that vulnerable muscle, she whispered, “I’m sorry you had to do it at all. It can’t have been easy.”

“Yes and no. Eliminating a threat, especially to you, is as easy as breathing. It’s the thoughts afterwards that are harder to bear.”

“I can understand that.” Her life these last few days had been dominated by such thoughts. “You did what had to be done, and you prove your conviction by being the one to carry out the sentence.”

He rumbled with perhaps agreement, perhaps placation. “Let’s just hope this is the last execution for a while.”

Ravenna nodded, her insides twisting. He looked tired, too, the weight of the execution heaviest now, in the hours just afterwards.

It troubled her to see his conscience gnawing at him, but, then, would she love him so much if it didn’t?

For as big and brutal as he could be, Vallek Far-Sight could never be accused of not caring.

How anyone could doubt him, betray him…

Burying his face in her hair, Vallek sighed. “Tell me again, sprite.”

“Tell you what?” she asked, although her stomach flipped with anticipation.

“Tell me who has your love and loyalty.”

Ravenna flushed. Fates, she hadn’t quite meant to admit her feelings like that, in front of the whole court, before Vallek. Her instinct was to tease, to say, The people, of course, just like I said, but another peek at his handsome face told her now wasn’t the moment for banter.

He was hurting and needed the words.

“You do,” she said softly, nuzzling his nose with hers.

A sumptuous purr hummed beneath her hands on his chest. “Again.”

Setting her lips at his ear so only he could hear, she whispered, “I love you, Vallek.”

His purr deepened as he lifted her a little higher in his arms. Burying his face in the crook of her shoulder, he kissed her bare skin and rubbed his tusks along her clavicle.

“The gods have blessed me with you,” he murmured. “Tested me, too.”

Ravenna tried to grin at his good humor but couldn’t manage. Her own regrets and fears ate her inside, his gentleness and affection only feeding them.

Her stomach threatened revolt when he said, “You have my heart, sprite. I love you so much, it sometimes feels too great to bear.”

Tears escaped her eyes, and no matter how quickly she blinked and tried to hide them, Vallek soon smelled the salt. Straightening, he frowned to see her upset. His purr took on a plaintive note, his big hand cupping her cheek to wipe away the tears.

“Why do you cry?” he asked, concern burgeoning in his eyes. “Please don’t cry.”

Ravenna shook her head; she couldn’t help it. Everything was coming out of her, she could feel it.

She stood upon a precipice, teetering on the edge. She would fall in just a moment, she knew it, couldn’t bear to be torn in two anymore.

But the thought of losing him, of being cast aside, hurt more than anything. She clung to that precipice with her fingers and toes for fear of being parted from her azai. I can’t lose him. I can’t I can’t.

This was why she’d not wanted to love him in the first place.

Why she had wasted three years in her disguise.

The moment she’d dreaded since she first walked into his tent had come.

Her shame pressed at the small of her back, urging her forward, off the edge.

For all she’d fought it, belayed it, tried to avoid it, there was nothing for it now.

She couldn’t walk two paths. She couldn’t be the halfling girl and the faeling queen.

After this moment, she feared she’d be neither.

Don’t leave me, too.

Clutching at the embroidered collar of his tunic, she could hear the desperation in her voice when she said, “Remember you love me. Remember that when—” She choked on more tears, and Vallek’s expression grew alarmed.

Taking her face between both big hands, he held her steady. “Breathe, sprite. Whatever it is, it’s all right.”

“But it’s not, it’s not,” she sobbed. “I’m not who you think.”

She grasped at his wrists, holding him to her, so he had to nod at the guards to send them away. They filed out, no doubt taking up positions just on the other side of the thresholds, but within a few moments, they were as alone in the basilica as they ever could be.

“I know who you are,” he said slowly, “but why don’t you tell me yourself.”

Through gasps and sobs, she finally admitted, “I’m a liar. I’ve lied to you, Vallek. I’ve used you.”

He regarded her seriously for a moment. “I’d be more surprised if you hadn’t, love. I never once thought you joined my staff for altruistic reasons.”

“But it’s more than that.” She’d been na?ve to think that when she made her deal with him, dirty and bloodied in that shallow cave, she could have it both ways.

She made that deal thinking it justified her capitulation.

The simple truth was, she wanted him, wanted to be his mate.

She still did. Perhaps more than she wanted her revenge.

“Everything I’ve done, it’s been to strengthen your position as king, so that one day, the orcs would be strong enough to attack the faelands. ”

If possible, his expression became even more grave. Ravenna kneaded his tunic, desperate for him to say something.

He kept his silence, though, waiting for more truth.

“My parents died protecting me. They were slain by Amaranthe herself, refusing to give me up to her.”

“Why?” he asked, ominously quiet.

“Because of my gift. Seers are rare, even within the fae. And—” she gulped down air “—I saw her downfall. I was only a child. No one should have believed me, but the vision spread through the faelands.”

“Would killing you thwart your vision?”

“No. I don’t know.” She shook her head until she was dizzy. “I haven’t cared. Since they were slain, all I’ve wanted, all I’ve worked for is vengeance.”

“You want to kill the Fae Queen.”

“Yes.”

“The one who slaughtered her own family and has ruled for twelve-hundred years.”

“Yes.” Sensing he meant to speak more, dreading what he’d say, she hurriedly added, “I’ve seen her fall.

I know it will happen. I know I can make it happen.

” Ravenna clutched his tunic so tight, her knuckles went white.

“She killed my parents, Vallek. She destroyed my whole world. She has to pay for that. I have to make her pay for that.”

“With an orcish army.”

“Yes. No. Not anymore. I don’t know. But I have to do this.”

Her stomach clenched as she watched him nod slowly.

“I understand,” he said. “We will—”

“No!” she gasped. “I can’t bear to risk your life, too.”

He frowned at her wording, no doubt catching that too . Before he could question it, she said, “It’s not fair of me—it’s not right or fair—but in the end, I wanted to be your mate. At least while I could.”

His nostrils flared with alarm, but Ravenna smothered it with a kiss.

“I’ve had visions of Amaranthe’s defeat, but never anything beyond. I don’t know what will happen afterwards, if I’ll…” If I’ll survive to come home to you.

“You mean to die with her,” he growled.

“Maybe. I haven’t seen another way.”

“You’ve always known…that you would leave me.”

The truth spoken aloud struck deeper than any wound. Her face crumpled with sobs, and it was a few moments before she could speak again.