Page 35 of Exquisite Monster (Dragons of Viria #2)

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

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KATALENA

W hen I opened my eyes again they still slept. I didn’t want to leave them, but my stomach made it clear I needed to eat something, and I wasn’t willing to disturb their rest.

I slipped out from beneath Sirrus’s arm and found some clothes that were clearly meant for them. Far too large, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t putting the court dress back on, and I would likely end up back in bed.

Based on the shadows, it was nearing midday. No wonder I was hungry.

Stairs curled around the edges of the tower rooms, taking me all the way down to the ground. Unlike Skalisméra, the layout was easy to figure out, and before long I found the kitchen with a fire burning merrily and Erryn making some kind of food.

“Oh,” she said when I appeared. “I didn’t expect to see you so soon.”

“They’re still sleeping. Just came to get something to eat.”

“Take what you like.”

Some fruit sat in a bowl, and several loaves of fresh bread sat on one of the shelves. It was good enough for me. “What are you making?”

“Soup,” she said. “Sotai and Karadi flew to the mainland to gather more food than was available. They should be back shortly.”

I nodded and bit off a piece of bread.

Eryn tore the leaves off a small plant and added them to her pot. It smelled amazing. But she glanced at me, and there was a question in her eyes I couldn’t read.

“Do I have something on my face?”

She laughed softly. “No. I merely wondered if you had any ideas of what to do now?”

“How do you mean?”

A shrug. “As tempting as it is, none of us can simply remain here. You know what’s at stake. And the sooner we take action, the better. Where do you think we should start?”

“I’m not the best person to ask.”

“Of course you are. You’re at the center of it.”

I shook my head. “By accident. I know the ways and thoughts of human rulers because I was ruled by one and saw his actions firsthand. I know the intricacies of human politics since I had to navigate them. I don’t know nearly enough about dragons or war to decide what we do from here.”

The pity on her face turned my stomach. “Think about it. Because I will not be the only person to ask. You are the Heirs’ mate. There are those who will look to you for guidance, no matter if you believe yourself capable or not.”

Finishing the food in front of me, I said nothing. I didn’t want to think about war or what to do next. I wanted to go upstairs and crawl back between my mates and think about nothing but their bodies on mine.

Frustration and rage built under my skin. I hadn’t chosen this. I knew we needed to decide what happened next, but hadn’t we earned some rest? Even a day?

“I look forward to the soup,” I said before standing and leaving the kitchen before she could speak. It wasn’t Erryn’s fault she had questions. No doubt they all did. But if I stayed, I might say something she didn’t deserve.

Even after telling them everything, so much was built up that I’d pushed down and not faced. It had no outlet and never would, so I needed to lock it back up.

Lovely sunshine poured through the open windows, so I took myself outside. In my chest, I felt Endre wake. He panicked before he felt me close by and touched the bond between us. I sent comfort back, but kept walking. It didn’t matter where I was going.

I wandered away from the house, not knowing where I was headed but simply knowing I needed to be away . The gnawing sensation in my chest that had been growing since the day Gleym made me fight her for the first time was like a festering wound.

We were free, and I didn’t know how to get rid of it.

I had them back, and nothing was finished.

It could all disappear again in one glimmer of a moment and it still felt like we didn’t have any choices.

It was exhausting, infuriating, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it except let it pass through so I could pretend I didn’t feel it.

Things like this didn’t just go away.

Across the narrow strip of sea that separated the island from the mainland, a great canopy of trees was visible.

There were fewer here, but as I walked, this patch of forest swallowed me up.

It was larger than it seemed and made me feel like I was in the greater woods once the thickness of the foliage disguised everything else from view.

Even the sound of the water seemed to cease.

The whole world was a breathless hush, waiting for something.

Through the bond, I felt Sirrus and Zovai still sleeping peacefully, and I would never tire of it.

But I didn’t know how to do this—feel this—and be near them.

After being so afraid and still being so afraid, I felt like it was a wall I couldn’t break through.

They didn’t need to see it. After everything they?—

No. I wouldn’t be their burden.

“Is that really what you feel?” Endre’s voice broke the breathless quiet.

I hadn’t heard him approach, and my shoulders sagged. Not because I didn’t want to be near him; I did. But I needed to unleash something, and he couldn’t be here to witness it.

“Lena.” I felt his presence behind me and didn’t turn when his arms circled me. “There is nothing you could say or do that I wouldn’t want to witness. You are not a burden.”

All I could do was shake my head. There were too many words all gathering in my throat and choking me. Unable to come out.

He leaned his forehead against the back of my neck, inhaling me. I felt his relief at having me close, and so much fucking love . It shattered a sob out of me. “It’s not fair to you,” I finally managed. “You already have to feel it. I don’t want any of you to see me like this.”

“Like what?”

Angry . The emotion flooded my system on all fronts, though I tried to hold it back.

I was angry at everything. Everything . Even them. I hadn’t truly admitted it until this exact moment.

My whole life had been nothing but a masquerade of pretend choices. Forced to be a princess and a political pawn by accident of birth. Forced to marry someone against my will. Forced to survive when they tried to kill me. Forced to fight when I wasn’t strong enough.

The only choice I’d ever truly made was them.

Learning potions with Taia and Baris had been desperation. A means of protecting myself and having something other because of everything else in my life. Choosing to poison my own womb was to protect myself against a monster.

They were my only true choice.

I had no regrets, but I was so fucking tired of not being able to choose.

“Let it out,” he whispered.

“I can’t.” Because if I let it out then it felt like I’d never be able to put it back again. If I let it go, then I was weak, and I couldn’t be weak. Not when the whole world needed me to be strong. The Heirs of dragons could not have a weak mate.

Endre’s hands gripped my arms from behind. “You’re angry at us.”

“I’m not.”

He kissed the back of my neck. “Yes. You are.”

Hot tears gathered beneath my lids. “I don’t want to be. ”

“So let it out.”

“What do you want me to say?” I pulled away from him and stalked across the clearing toward the line of trees and shadows.

“Nothing I feel makes sense, and because it doesn’t make sense, I don’t want you to see it.

I don’t want to hurt you.” My chest ached.

“You’ve already been hurt enough because of me. ”

The dark clothes Endre wore reminded me of the clothes he’d worn when he first came to visit me in the cell, and I wasn’t sure whether he would kill me. And now, that same air of darkness clung to him.

“You think I don’t know what it means to be angry?” He asked carefully. “You think I don’t understand what it does to have that inside you, rotting, the feeling lashing out at everything you hold dear, including the people you love?”

In my chest, our bond changed and sharpened. I felt the depth of his soul and the darkness of it. The places he hid from everyone and everything and the rage that lived beneath his skin.

“I have been angry for three centuries, Lena. And there are days when it still breaks me. Do you think I’m weak for it?”

A tear spilled over because I knew what he was doing, and it was working. “Of course not.”

“Then let it out .” His voice rose. “Scream at me if you have to. Trust me when I say that you can be angry at someone and still love them. You are my mate, and there will be times of anger because that’s what it means to be alive. Emotions don’t care who’s at fault for something.”

I shook my head, hoping he would stop speaking the truth, but knowing he wouldn’t.

“The only reason I’m still here is because Sirrus and Zovai forced it out of me. It would have eaten me whole. So don’t think we can’t take it.”

“Endre—”

“Let it GO, Katalena.”

“ ALL I WANTED WAS YOU .”

Silence fell along with every tear I’d been holding back.

“I’ve never done anything for myself. Not really.

Not until you. And I didn’t want any of it.

I didn’t want to be a princess. I didn’t want to be a queen.

I didn’t want to be strong or have to make choices because my life somehow affects thousands of others.

I didn’t want to be someone who has to save the whole fucking world. ”

I choked, but I couldn’t stop, pain spearing through my chest like a physical thing.

“I never wanted to know what it feels like to have someone want to kill you. Not just once but over and over again. I don’t want to be hated.

I didn’t want to have to prove myself to a dragon just to stay alive.

I didn’t want—” I shook my head. “I’m so angry and I don’t know what to do.

I’m angry at my father and Andaros and the Elders and every single dragon in Doro Eche. I’m angry at Gleym and Idroal and you.”

My voice was barely comprehensible. I never wanted to say it out loud.

“I’m angry at you. I’m so angry at you, and it doesn’t make sense and I don’t want to be but it’s all I can fucking feel.

I’m so tired of feeling it, Endre. I’m so tired of having to take things in stride and pretend that I’m strong when I’m not. I’m so tired.”

He was suddenly in front of me, pulling me to him, and I sobbed into his chest. The pain in our bond was a mirror. He felt it just as deeply. Angry at everyone and everything, along with the bone-deep exhaustion of bearing a burden that was never meant to land on your shoulders.

“I’m sorry,” I hiccuped. “I’m sorry I couldn’t get to you faster. I’m sorry I’m the reason you were there at all. I’m sorry I’m your mate, because if I weren’t, then none of this would have happened.”

I was grateful for the bond because he knew that I didn’t mean the last bit. I was sorry, but there wasn’t regret there. I wouldn’t trade being their mate for anything. But that didn’t mean it didn’t cause them pain.

Endre held me tighter, not speaking until every bit of rage and pain in me was spent through tears. Ragged, tearing sobs. I couldn’t stop it—shame and rage and every other thing I’d been pushing down for what felt like a lifetime.

When I quieted, Endre moved, pulling back far enough to take my face in his hands.

His thumbs brushed away some of the tears.

“I will never be sorry you are our mate,” he said.

“No matter what happens to me. I will never be sorry for it. But I understand why you say it, because I, too, am sorry for the things we’ve brought into your life. ”

I shook my head, and he smiled sadly. “There are two sides to everything, Princess. We didn’t have a choice in what brought us to you.

You didn’t have a choice in what brought you to that moment.

And fallen fucking stars, I am so tired of not having the choices we deserve. I understand. I am tired with you .”

When he kissed my forehead, I closed my eyes.

“But I promise that this will end, one way or another. Whether that means the four of us find our eternity together in the stars or we can find a way to fix what’s broken in this world, it will end.

And when it does, you’ll never have to have another choice forced on you. I promise,” he murmured. “I promise.”

I wrapped my arms around his waist and pressed my face to his chest, the tears still coming, though calmer now. The rage I felt still slithered under my skin, and I knew one outburst wouldn’t change that. But it was better .

“What did they do?” I asked, my voice watery. “To force it out of you.”

Endre chuckled. “Usually took me to a training room and fought with me until I was too exhausted to feel anything else.”

The others were waking now, their bonds sharpening with worry as they felt mine. Shame washed through me against my will, and I pressed my face harder into Endre’s chest.

“No.” The command was soft but strong. “I understand why you’re angry. You have every fucking right. But I don’t want you to ever feel shame with us. There is no shame in experiencing what you feel.”

“I don’t want to feel any of it.”

“I know.” Slowly, he untangled us and took my hand, weaving our fingers together. “Will you let me show you the island?”

It was an offering. To be with me while I felt everything, and also show me a place that meant a lot to him. No judgment. No shame. Just us.

I nodded, and Endre kissed me long and slow before he guided me further into the trees.