Page 70 of Exposed
“Yes.” I step into my underwear and allow my dress to fall back into place as I stand up. I wobble, as my hip is still numb. “With reason.”
“You misunderstand me, and the situation.”
“Because you do not tell me the truth. Thus, I have no way of truly understanding the situation.” I prop myself on the bed in an attempt to find my balance. “Or of understanding you. You, most of all.”
You merely stare at me. At a loss for words, perhaps? I wait, but you say nothing.
I shake my head and walk away, or try to. I have to cling to one surface or another, have to surf from bed to door post, door post to wall, wall to elevator. I have to lean against the elevatorwall and focus on breathing. The local anesthetic is beginning to wear off, and my body is now reminding me that I just had my skin sliced open and sewn shut. It isn’t a pleasant sensation. At no point do I stop to wonder if you’ll follow me, because you won’t. This isn’t new.
I had a cell phone, at one point. But I am unaccustomed to carrying any possessions with me, and I’ve misplaced it. At Logan’s home, perhaps? I don’t know. I wish I had it now. I would call him. Beg him to come get me.
I make it outside, where the world is bright and loud and chaotic. I feel panic creeping at the edges of my mind, lurking at the bottom of my lungs, stealing my breath. I focus on walking, clinging to the wall of the building. It is a laborious process, made all the harder when I run out of building and must totter to the intersection and pretend I am not about to collapse. The light turns, the crowd around me surges forward, and I am swept off balance. I nearly fall several times but rebound off those around me and manage to stay upright. Reaching the far side of the intersection feels like a miraculous accomplishment. I still cannot breathe, and the edge of my vision darkens, narrows, but each step requires such focus and determination that I cannot allow myself to falter, or I will fall.
And then I feel peace wash over me. I look around, and there he is. Tall, golden-haired, golden-skinned, eyes gleaming indigo. Striding toward me, arms swinging freely, the smile on his face a tender one, calm joy at merely seeing me. He’s wearing the same tight dark blue jeans as the first time I saw him, this time with a red T-shirt, on which is written in large black letters:VOTE “NO” ON DALEKS, STOP EXTERMINATION TODAY, with a picture of some kind of robot covered in black knobs and armed with a gun. I do not understand many of his T-shirts. References to pop culture, I believe, things I’ve not seen either pre- or postamnesia.
He wraps me up in his arms, pulls me to his chest. He is warm and solid and comforting, his scent now familiar, cinnamon gum and cigarette smoke. I rest my ear over his heart and listen to his heartbeat, and I merely breathe for long moments. He doesn’t speak, as if understanding without needing to be told that I am fragile right now.
His palm skates down my waist and comes to rest over my hip, over the stitches. I gasp in pain, and his hand flies away.
“Shit, are you hurt?” He holds me by the shoulder and examines me for signs of injury.
I shake my head. “No. Well, yes. I just had the microchip removed from my hip. No more tracking me. Not that way, at least.”
“When did this happen?”
I shrug. “Ten minutes ago, perhaps?”
“Damn it, Isabel,” he sighs. “You shouldn’t be on your feet.” He suits action to words, scooping me up in his arms and cradling me against his chest.
“Put me down, Logan,” I murmur, hiding my face in his neck. “I’m fine. And besides, you can’t carry me down the streets of Manhattan.”
“The hell I will, the hell you are, and the hell I can’t.” He moves through the crowd with me in his arms as if I weigh nothing, and he is careful to make sure my head doesn’t bump into anyone. “If a man carrying a woman down the street is the strangest thing these people see today, then they’re not paying attention.”
I don’t want him to put me down. Not really. So I let him carry me. I enjoy his presence, his heat, his strength. Being taken care of. Cared for. Caredabout.
“So... you and Caleb.” It’s a gentle prod, a hesitant inquisition.
My throat seizes. “I can’t, Logan. Not just yet.”
His lips touch my cheek. My forehead. “When you’re ready. Or not at all. I’m here, okay? That’s all you need to worry about. I’m here, and I’ve got you.”
His big boxy silver SUV is parked a couple of blocks away, and he carries me all the way to it, never faltering or shifting his grip or acting for even a moment as if my not-insignificant weight is a burden. He sets me on my feet, opens the passenger-side door, and helps me in, closes the door after me.
Slides in behind the wheel, touches a button to start the engine. Immediately, loud, wild, raucous music fills the cabin. The music is chugging yet melodic, the singer a woman, her voice sweet yet full of rage, moving easily from singing to screaming—I am the dark you created, I am your sin, I am your whore.Logan moves to turn it off, but I stop him.
“Wait.” There is something in the way she sings, the way she screams. Something in the lyrics. Something visceral in the madness of the instruments. “What is this?”
“The band is In This Moment. The song is called ‘Whore.’”
“It could be about me.”
We sit and listen. I am moved, deeply. The rage she so obviously feels, her ownership of the darkness within her, the demand for an answer to a question that has none... I empathize in some vulnerable corner of my soul.
And then the next song comes on.Are you sick like me?... Am I beautiful?There is more ire in this song, more deeply felt hatred and self-loathing and understanding of one’s own filth.
It is all too close to the state of my existence, too near to who I am. I could devolve into a creature carved from fire and rage. I have been lied to and possessed and forced into molds that do not fit me; I have been brainwashed and made to be a thing I am not. My past has been hidden from me. The truth of all that is me has been kept buried. Even still, my desires are used against me.My needs made into weapons, forged into blades slicing open my own flesh.
I tremble, like a dry leaf in a long wind.