Page 23

23

“ W ill you come to Mom and Dad’s with me?”

Lucas stared at Jacob. They were having lunch on a Thursday at their joint, a local gem in an unassuming brown building featuring one of those track menu boards with the blocky blue lettering. Lucas took a long draw of his peanut butter milkshake.

He’d been daydreaming about Joan. They’d seen each other a few times since “the massage,” as he’d dubbed it in his mind, and their casual touches set his blood aflame, but neither of them had made another move. Now that they’d spoken about becoming physical, they’d been weirdly timid around each other, waiting for the other to bring up the next step. The limbo drove him crazy, though whether in a good or bad way, he couldn’t tell.

He pulled himself back to the present.

“We were just there,” he said to Jacob.

“First of all, that was over three weeks ago. Second, Dad told me he would help me work on my car. Brakes are making a funny noise.”

“I’m confused. Can’t you call a mechanic? Also, why do I have to be there?”

Jacob rolled his eyes. “You know how Dad is about paying for things he could fix himself. When I mentioned it to him, he insisted, and I felt bad for denying him the opportunity.”

Irritation crawled up Lucas’s chest and into his neck, and his face flushed. “Have you and dad still been talking a lot?”

Jacob laughed, and Lucas’s ire grew.

“We chat every few days.” At Lucas’s shocked expression, Jacob shrugged. “I know we’re angry. I do. He’s still our dad, though, right? And he wronged Mom, not us. He was still a good father, even if he was a shitty husband.”

“Yeah.” He sighed, and some of his frustration faded as quickly as it had come on. He never stayed angry for long. His emotions were like goldfish, flitting around and then slipping away before he could take hold of them. “But I do think he hurt us, too. For all we know, the games he missed were when he was off with another woman. He betrayed our trust in him as a man committed to our family. And he single-handedly dropped a bomb on our parents’ marriage.”

Jacob titled his head to each side. “You make some good points. I think marriage is always more complex than that, though. It’s hardly ever just one person messing up. We don’t know all the details.”

Lucas ate a stray French fry and looked away. “Dad fucked up pretty bad. I can’t imagine mom’s mistakes coming anywhere close to infidelity on two different occasions.”

Jacob sat back. A piece of his mussed dark hair fell over his forehead.

“I know,” he said quietly. “I know it’s shitty. He asked if we could both come over, though, and I told him I would ask you. I won’t ask again after this. We can work on the car with him, see if we can have a normal conversation. Please?”

Lucas dropped his head into his hands. “Fine. When are we doing this?”

“How does later this evening suit?” Jacob offered a shy smile, and Lucas recognized his own easygoing expression on his brother’s face. That was the Malcolm men for you, hardly ever ruffled by anything. He was starting to wonder if he had developed some cantankerous tendencies, though.

“You really are the worst, you know?”

The July evening air pressed down on them like a wall of steam, a muggy heat so thick and humid it felt like they breathed something solid. Lucas pulled his sweaty polo away from his chest. His father and Jacob had one wheel of Jacob’s SUV removed. Jacob crouched beside his vehicle, staring at where his father pointed, nodding along as though he knew what his father was talking about.

“Yep,” his father said in his rumbling voice. “We can do the job. Got the pads and rotors here.” He nodded at Lucas. “Might need one of you boys to use the breaker bar if we can’t get the bolts off.” He moved his shoulder in a circle and winced. “Been having some shoulder pain.”

“Did you talk to your doctor?” Lucas asked, already knowing the answer.

“I put some cream on it.” His dad waved the question away. “No need to involve doctors.”

“Of course not,” Lucas muttered. He leaned against the door in the garage, then pitched forward again, unable to stay still for long. “Gonna go get some water.”

An eerie quiet settled over the house when he moved into the kitchen.

“Mom?” It was possible she was out, he supposed, but her car was in the driveway, so that didn’t make any sense. They’d been there for half an hour, too, and it wasn’t like her to not come out and greet them. He wandered around the house searching for her.

He peeked into their open bedroom door, and the sight there stopped him. Clothes and hangers lay strewn about. Toiletries spilled from an unzipped duffel bag. He stalked back to the garage, his steps gaining speed so that he burst through the doorway.

“Where’s Mom?” He faced down his dad, fists balled at his sides, ready for battle. “Her car’s here, but she isn’t. And it looks like someone left in a hurry. Is she okay?”

Lucas caught Jacob’s eye and became aware of his alarmed scrutiny. His father shot him a guilty look. He wiped his hands off on a grease stained towel sitting on the floor of the garage.

“She didn’t call either of you?”

“Nope,” was all he said in response. He wasn’t going to give him an inch.

His father rubbed the back of his neck. He looked as if he were in physical agony, like he was passing kidney stones. Lucas had never seen this kind of guilt, shame, and regret from him.

“We had a huge fight. Your mom left to go to her sister’s. She was too upset to drive, so Kate had to come pick her up.”

“What could you be fighting about that’s worse than you cheating on her?” Jacob used the clean corner of a towel to wipe his face off, not taking his eyes off their dad the whole time.

Their father winced at that, but he took some time to respond. His mouth opened and closed like a puppet’s. His face turned tomato red.

“Spit it out,” Lucas said, at the end of his sympathy. “What the hell did you do this time?”

“It’s been more than one woman,” he said, face anguished. “Recently, I mean. There’s been more than that over the years. And this one lady I was seeing, Amy is her name, had a pregnancy scare a few weeks ago. She called your mom to tell her about it.” He scratched the back of his neck again. “I’ve lost some money, too. Well, a lot of money. Gambling mostly, but some other poor business decisions.”

Jacob dropped the tool he was holding. His hands hung limply at his sides. Lucas felt like a trap door had opened under his feet.

No one said anything for a full thirty seconds.

“Dad.” Jacob leaned against his father’s tool bench as though he couldn’t hold himself up. “What the fuck?”

“Yeah. I know.”

“How is that even possible? You’ve been, what, hiding it?” Lucas’s voice trembled. His skin took on a clammy pallor. He was dangerously close to fainting.

“I had another account. And Amy wasn’t pregnant, for the record. But she thought your mom should know.” He looked up at them. “I thought maybe you knew about all this. I’m surprised your mama didn’t call you.”

“Jesus Christ, Dad. You think we would have rolled in here chatting with you pleasantly if we had known that?” Jacob advanced on Greg as though he might grab him by the collar, then thought better of it and linked his hands behind his head.

His father grimaced.

“It did seem a little odd,” he said. “I figured you’d be more angry.”

“Of course we’re fucking angry!” Lucas shouted. After his initial shock, the strain of anger felt like violence crackling under the surface of his skin. His faced turned a puce color. “How could you do this?” He took a deep breath, willing his rage to settle a bit, but it was an out-of-control thing, a beast uncaged. “Are you sure you don’t have any other kids?”

“I don’t think so,” his father said. He seemed on the verge of tears, and Lucas had never seen him cry, not even when his mother, Lucas’s grandmother, died.

Jacob took a step back. His face was chalk white. Their father’s admissions had drained all the life from him.

“So what now? Mom’s leaving you?” Jacob’s eyes flashed, dark and accusing, and Lucas knew there was some anger there after all.

“I don’t know. I took responsibility. Owned up to it, I mean.”

“You want to talk about responsibility?” Lucas growled. “Are you serious right now?” He bent over, putting his hands on his knees, then straightened up again. “Is Mom going to have any money in her savings? Money for retirement?”

His father blanched. “It’s not gone.”

“You coward.” Lucas spat the words.

“Like I said, I took?—”

“Save it,” Lucas said. “I don’t want anything to do with you right now.”

His father suddenly became angry.

“I’ve been the best father I knew how to be!” He shouted at Lucas’s retreating back.

Lucas whirled around. “You’d have to think of someone besides yourself for that.” His voice had grown quiet. “And you don’t seem capable.”

Their father threw down his towel. He pointed a greasy finger at Lucas. “You’ll see how hard it is when you actually settle down. You don’t know what it’s like.”

Lucas shook his head. He gestured to Jacob, who had also started moving out of the garage.

“Let’s go.”

Jacob shuffled over to the passenger door, not saying anything else. Lucas worried he might be catatonic with shock.

You’re just like me, Lucas thought. Well, fuck that. He would do whatever he could to keep from turning out like that man.

Lucas and Jacob barely spoke in the car. Jacob looked like someone facing death row. He knew they should talk about it eventually, but he wasn’t ready to dissect it with his brother.

He dropped Jacob at his house but didn’t come in, citing his need to be alone. That wasn’t quite true, though. He called Joan as soon as he’d walked into his kitchen.

“Hey,” he said, his voice cracking.

“Lucas? What’s wrong?”

“Are you free? I’m okay, I swear.”

“I’m just leaving work, but I’ll come straight there.”

“I can meet you somewhere?—”

“No, I’ll come over.”

He’d never asked for much from her during their friendship, even on his worst days, but he needed someone and he could think of no one else he wanted to see at that moment. He was surprised at how quickly she was able to drive to his apartment. Her tentative knock was so like her it almost soothed him with its familiarity, and when she stepped inside, he pulled her to him for a hug.

“Lucas? You’re scaring me. Also, I’m wearing my used scrubs, so you put your face on my shoulder at your own risk.”

He was embarrassed to find himself crying. At his sniffle, Joan stiffened. She pulled back to look at him.

“Please talk to me.” She had his face in her hands. Her hands trailed over his scruff.

“I think I’m done with my dad,” he said with a watery laugh. He walked to a barstool at his kitchen counter, and she followed him. “I’m not sure I care, after the bombshell he dropped.”

Joan pushed his hair back from his forehead. “Tell me about it.”

“I’m sorry. I know how everyone thinks of you as their personal therapist.”

“I don’t care, especially not when it’s you.” She kept stroking his hair back, and he leaned into her touch like a cat.

So he told her all about his confrontation with his father, and how he’d ended things. She watched him without saying anything. Only when he finished did she weigh in.

“My God. That’s more than a bombshell. That’s a nuclear detonation.” She threaded her fingers through his. “What do you want to do now?”

“I haven’t gotten that far yet. I just know I don’t want to see Dad for a while, with how I’m feeling right now.”

“I support you whatever you choose.” She held a hand up to forestall any objections. “I know I’m completely terrible with boundaries. But I do think people should enforce them.”

“It makes me so sad, thinking of shutting him out. He was a good father when I was younger, right? I’m not making that up?”

His head hung forward. She scratched at his scalp, and her touch was so soothing he wanted to stay there for the foreseeable future, letting her tend to him. The rush of affection he felt for her nearly brought more tears to his eyes.

“He was,” she said. “I have lots of fond memories involving you and your parents. I remember how they used to come to my games and cheer for me. Your dad used to play catch with us in the backyard, and he always found the right balance between encouragement and instruction. And I do think he loves you.” She paused. “People are complicated, though. No one’s all good or all bad. Just human.”

Misery still swelled in his chest, but he was glad to be talking to someone. He needed to get it out.

“So do you think he cares about how Jacob and I feel at all?”

Joan shifted in front of him.

“I can’t speak for him. If I had to guess, I would say he does in his own way.” She stopped scratching his head, and he straightened up. “I’m sure it could have been different if he wasn’t so caught up in maintaining his lies. He was thinking of his own hide.”

“Well, he ended up hurting all of us in the process.” He sniffled. “Who has time for all the secret keeping? Talk about stressful.”

“I mean, you and Jacob are adults now, and he travels for work some. Plus, he goes to the gym and plays golf and stuff. He was probably fitting in his extracurriculars between all that.”

Lucas raked a hand down his face. “Unbelievable.” He pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear, and she gave him a warm smile. “I need to talk to Mom soon. She finally reached her limit, I guess. What a fucking mess this is.” He could barely open his mouth to get his next words out. “I keep thinking of how he told me I was just like him. He said something about me bouncing from woman to woman, getting bored. And today, he said something about how I don’t understand what it’s like to settle down. I can’t get it out of my head.”

“You wouldn’t do what he’s done. I know you.” Joan brushed her thumb along the pad of his, and the touch eased most of the raw ache building under his sternum.

“Emmie told me I have an insecure attachment style.” He snorted, and the sound was so undignified he wanted to laugh at himself. “I had to google that one. And maybe there’s a teensy bit of truth there, but I would never cheat on someone. Or hide money. Never.”

“I know.” She hugged him again. “And if you want,” she said slowly, “we can stay only friends. Forget about the experiment.”

The jolt of alarm that pierced him surprised him with its intensity. Maybe he should examine that, but he wasn’t ready to.

“No,” he said. “I’m still in if you are. And you are my friend. You were the first person I wanted to call.”

She stayed quiet at that.

“What am I going to do, Jo? What would you do?”

“Right now, I think you stick to your guns. Talk to Jacob as much as you can, since he’s the only one who actually understands. And maybe find a counselor, or something? I can help with that part if you need it.”

Lucas nodded.

“Also, you eat dinner with me, because I'm starving,” she said. She stood up, kissed him on the forehead, and walked to his fridge.