Page 13 of Ex- Factor
“You like her?”
Dr. Bailey raised an eyebrow and leaned back in his chair. His office was warm, walls painted a calm, earthy green, and the couch was the same shade of gray as every therapist’s couch I’d ever seen on TV.
“I like her,” I said.
“Love her?”
I looked away, jaw tight. “That’s the thing. I don’t know.”
Dr. Bailey nodded, letting the silence stretch the way he always did, waiting for me to fill it.
“I mean… it feels like love. I think about her all the time. I like how I feel around her. Safe. Seen. But also… I don’t know if I’m just addicted to how she makes me feel. If I’m just… using her to fix some hole in me.”
“You feel like she’s filling a void?”
“Yeah.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “We haven’t known each other that long.
But everything just clicked. I’ve been staying at her place.
And not because she invited me. I just show up.
I know her coffee order. I know what shoes she kicks off first. I know she hums when she’s mad, and she smells like vanilla and peace. ”
“But you’re not sure if it’s love,” he said, writing something down.
“No. I think… I don’t know what real love is. I know I want to protect her. I want to show up for her. I want her to be proud of me.” I laughed once, dry. “But then, I might be in love. I kissed her and started thinking about ring size. Is that healthy?”
“It could be healthy,” Dr. Bailey said. “But what you’re describing sounds more like you’re trying to figure out if the way you’re attaching to her is about her… or about you.”
“Exactly.” I sank lower into the couch. “I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want to make her into some kind of emotional life raft. That’s not fair to her.”
“You’re already ahead of most men by asking that question.” He folded his hands. “So let’s go deeper. You said she makes you feel seen. Who didn’t see you? Your mother, your father?”
I flinched. It was always that part of therapy—the part where we stop talking about now and dig into back then.
“No. I don’t want to talk about them yet. Not when talking about her. But I did realize… that it was them. Not me.” I exhaled. “I didn’t do anything wrong. I was too young to be blamed for anything.”
Dr. Bailey smiled. “You’re trying to do my job now.
” He chuckled and leaned back again. “But seriously, that’s progress.
You’re seeing the origin of the void you say you feel.
Now you’re scared Eshe is filling it. Maybe she is.
It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real.
It just means you need to keep checking yourself to make sure you’re loving her for who she is, not what she gives you. ”
I sat with that. Let it settle. Then nodded slowly. “Got it.”
“Good. So,” he said, clicking his pen closed, “what are you going to do next with your day? Meeting with Cassius? Your baby momma?”
I grinned. “I got another question for you before I go that’ll determine my answer.”
He gave me a look.
“It’s about Eshe’s Ex,” I said. “Would it be healthy if I go knock on his door and just have a man-to-man with him… fist-a-cuff style?”
Dr. Bailey laughed, shaking his head. “Get out of my office, Silas.”