Page 21 of Endurance

Maura was distant and quiet. None of the others pushed her to talk or take part in what they were doing. They gave her space. We tried to follow their lead, but it was hard. Louie was still beating himself up over what had happened between them in the shower. I wondered if Maura felt the same because she avoided both of us like we had the plague. She went on a lot of walks.

Three days after we had killed Alex Roth, I gave in and spoke to her. She appeared to be on her way out for another walk. “Can I join you?”

She looked ready to say no. Disappointment built up inside me as I prepared for her rejection. But she surprised me with a slight nod.

It was a long and awkward walk, which I spent the majority of trying to build up the nerve to say what I needed. Louie had apologized to her the other night and that made me realize I hadn’t.

Maura led us to a lake with a spectacular view. I sort of understood why she walked here every day. It was so quiet and peaceful.

I peeked at her from the corner of my eye. She was taking in the view with a calm demeanor. “I hate that you’re standing next to me, yet feel so far away,” I blurted. “I hate that every time you look at me, I see hurt in your eyes. I hate being the one who put it there.” I was trying to be honest and bare, hoping that she would hear me out. “Everything has fallen apart, and I don’t know where to begin to fix things, but I can’t accept that this is the end for us.”

She folded her arms over her chest as she continued to stare out at the lake. “I want to tell you not to accept it, but even if we were to forgive each other, I doubt it would fix things. A huge part of who you loved died that day. I’m not the same person anymore. Maybe what’s best for you and Louie is to move on.”

“Isn’t that for us to decide?” I couldn’t accept what she was saying.

“I’m a shell of myself—”

“You feel that way right now,” I interrupted her.

She shook her head gently. “Things won’t get better.”

“Yes, they will.”

She finally met my eyes. “I can’t have children.”

Why did she think that would matter to me? I had told her repeatedly that she would be enough for me.

“The doctor in the hospital told me that there was a chance that I might not be able to carry. I had it verified last month. The scarring on my uterus is too extensive. If by some miracle an embryo were able to implant itself in a spot that’s not scarred, the likelihood of miscarriage is very high. I can’t give you or Louie children and I saw how happy you two were at the idea of becoming fathers.”

I said the first thing that popped into my head. “There are other ways—”

“No!” she snapped, and I instantly regretted what I had said. I should have reassured her that she was enough. I'd fucked up again.

“It’s just me, Jamie. That’s it. If who you see in front of you is enough for you, then don’t give up on us. But if I’m not, let me go.”

She walked away, leaving me behind without a backward glance. I wanted to go after her, but I didn’t want to make things worse.

“Fuck!” I shouted out at the lake. I hadn't apologized.

That evening Vincent emerged from his room yelling for Maura. He had found a lead on Buck and that lead was back in New Haven.

Vincent’s lead was Buck’s pregnant wife, Amelia. She had gone into labor and had to have her baby by C-section. We staked out the hospital for a little over twenty-four hours, hoping Buck would show up. He didn’t. The next day Maura came up with the not so brilliant plan to go and talk to Amelia.

Something didn’t feel right, yet Maura was adamant. What was worse was that she wanted to go in alone. Even her security wasn’t thrilled about that one. She wouldn’t listen. It was almost as if she were eager. I didn’t know what to make of it.

We wired Maura up and dropped her off at the front entrance of the hospital. Brenna, Finn, and Vincent were watching Maura through the hospital’s cameras in the cargo van parked in the guest parking lot. Dean, Asher, Jameson, and I were piled in Asher’s truck near where we had dropped Maura off.

“So far so good. She’s almost—” His voice trailed off. “Maura?”

“What is it?” Jameson asked.

“She took her earpiece out. Now she’s trying to call out on her phone but that doesn’t seem to be working,” Vincent explained.

“Could it just be a bad signal? Cell service sucks in hospitals,” Brenna said.

“That doesn’t explain why her earpiece isn’t working,” Vincent grumbled.

“Is she out of range?” I asked.