Page 51

CHAPTER 50

A Soul That Bleeds

ALIA no one can tell you how to do that. Not even yourself. You can only grieve.”

His shoulders trembled. I held him as he dealt with something that only he could handle. I could be there, but I couldn’t ease his pain.

“Thank you,” he whispered at last.

The knowledge that this could be the last night I had with him made me hug him tighter. “I don’t wanna see you die with us,” I whispered.

“You know I am not going anywhere, Little Red. So long as you let me, I will be by your side.”

“You should leave. We won’t win this battle.”

He leaned back, tipping my chin up with his finger. “Do you not know better by now?” He leaned down and kissed my forehead. “The only battle truly lost is the one surrendered before it has begun. Do not lose hope. Not yet.”

I plunked my face against his chest. “When did you become an optimist?”

His chuckle thawed a hint of my cold soul. “When my little ray of sunshine went behind a cloud.”

“Are you calling me a pessimist?” I mumbled against his tunic.

“Does a fenbutt smell?”

That startled a laugh from me. And I knew in that moment the one thing I wanted before the battle.

“No regrets,” I whispered.

His eyes were dull with pain but sharp with something I couldn’t name. An edge both wild and untamed, broken and ravaged. His nostrils flared as he sniffed the air.

His thumb gently traced the curve of my cheek, his hand coming to cradle the divot of where my chin met my neck, my pulse beneath his middle finger raging with a life all its own. “Are you certain? This is not a choice to make quickly, Carissimus,” he whispered, as if he'd read my very mind.

A smirk turned my lips. “I’ve known from the moment I shoved you over that cliff, you big hunk of werewolf.”

His lips twitched and his eyes shined with happiness. “You fell for me then?”

My smirk grew into a grin. “So what if I did? Tomorrow?—”

His eyes darkened and gold rimmed them. “No talk of tomorrow. If this is what you want, then we will. But only if you should wish it. Not because war is coming. Not because you will regret it if not. But because this is the choice you desire.”

I stared at him, his eyes so serious, so gentle as they searched my face. I remembered all the things we’d been through. How he’d been my staunchest supporter even when it went against his very making. He’d allowed me to set the tone of our relationship even when his wolf craved more. I’d spoken with Doc who said most werewolves marked their fated mate the moment they met them. That Shen had waited and not killed every male in a five-mile radius was nothing short of a miracle, he’d said. Shen had protected me, even from himself. He was loyal, compassionate, and most of all, kind. He wasn’t good. He was Shen. My Shen.

Behind the gentleness in his dark eyes, buried deep beneath what he attempted to show, was a fear that he wasn’t good enough. That he was too dark.

Staring into those eyes, I saw it all. The fear. The pain. The sorrow. And the darkness. I covered his hand with my own, leaning into it. “I see you, Shen. And I’m not afraid.”

His eyes shuttered. For a brief moment, the emotions within warred for dominance. A flicker of gold came forth, then vanished. His breath washed over my face; it was a bit stinky, but I wouldn’t complain. Not now.

“You should be,” he whispered. “I am not a good man.”

A small smile crossed my lips. “I know. I’ve seen your darkness.”

“Not all of it.” His voice was nearly hoarse with the emotion he held back.

“No. But neither have you seen mine.”

“You are light, Alia. A light that cannot be extinguished by the dark.”

“No, Sheng-Li, my Alpha. I’m the star that burns bright because of your night sky.”

His eyes popped open, his mouth dropping, no words coming forth.

“You are my mate, Shen. Source brought us together for a reason. But now… now I’m glad that it did. You’ve met my needs, helped me take down the walls I’d erected, and helped me understand how to light my own path. You protect and defend, but you also respect my wishes—both verbal and non-verbal. I want to be your mate in soul and spirit and someday, after it’s official, in body and mind. I need you for tomorrow and for all the battles we’ll face. We’ll be stronger… together, as one.”

He leaned his head down until it rested against my forehead, as if his body could no longer support his weight alone. He wrapped his other hand around the back of my neck and breathed me in deeply. “This requires much from my werewolf. I will be unable to shift and will need time to recover.”

“Then I’ll watch over you until you’re ready to battle again.”

He pulled back, his eyes creasing with a smile. “I trust you, heart of my heart and star of my sky. Come.”

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“We will have your dragon watch over you while you watch over me. We will travel to any place you wish, so long as it gives you time to think this through. You can always back out–” He choked on the words. He swallowed hard, his eyes twin glints of fire as he looked down at me. “You can rend the bond at any time, Alia. Ripping it from us now would be painful, but not terribly so. After the mating bond is in place, it will bring excruciating pain should you reject me.” He halted, running a hand through his hair. “You need to think about this, Alia. Please. I do not wish to hurt you.”

I stepped in front of him, lifting his chin and forcing him to look at me. “Just because your mother was a spineless coward for placing such a load on you doesn’t mean you’ll hurt me.”

His eyes, shadowed with doubt and fear, met mine. But it was the self-loathing looming like a wraith within that made me suck in a breath.

“You will hurt me,” I whispered, staring into those eyes made of fire and night. He jerked as if I’d hit him. “You will. And I will hurt you. Shen, there’s no way around such things. But if we strive to be our best selves first, that’s when we can stand together through the pain and overcome the trials. We’re stronger together. You taught me that.”

“I am not worthy. I am broken.”

“I know,” I said around the lump in my throat. “But so am I. Maybe together, we can be two broken pots that are together forever.”

A tiny smile twitched on his lips. “Together…”

“Forever,” I repeated.

“I like the sound of that, Little Red.”

Ran alighted before us, regally folding her wings as she took in the two of us with a smirk. Finally. Thought you two would forever deny the sickly scent of love you tried to hide behind animosity.

I chuckled, kissing her nose when she brought it close enough.

I wanted it to be the waterfall, but I couldn’t risk leaving my tribe. Not right now.

But there wasn’t anywhere here I felt safe enough to be vulnerable.

“There is a cavern near your tribe. A place where anyone from here could come find us should something occur,” Shen said, watching what I assumed were my many thoughts flashing across my face.

I blinked at him. How'd he… You know what, it didn't matter. I gave a single nod.

Shen transformed. It took mere seconds for his wolven form to emerge from where a man had stood before. Lycus nuzzled his cold nose into my neck. I released a low laugh, catching his muzzle and kissing between his eyes. He almost went cross-eyed trying to watch me. “Hey, baby boy. It's good to see you too.”

His entire hind wiggled with giddiness, the ground shaking with his enthusiasm. He knelt before me, gesturing to his back with his head, his tongue hanging out as his entire body rattled with the force from his wagging tail.

Ran picked me up and sat me on him. I glared up at her. Busybody.

Better than a staller, she replied with a wink.

Shen slowly stood and turned to lick my foot. Then he looked me in the eye, waiting. “Let’s go,” I said, ruffling his silky mane with a smile.

With a low bark, he took off.

Riding through the trees with the moon high overhead was ethereal. Pools of water from recent rainfall became shimmering mirrors dancing with moonlight. Leaves were pulled from the boughs by the wind as fall became more apparent with each passing day. Owls hooted, wolves called for their kin, and a unicorn bugled its cry from somewhere further in. I held my hands out to the sides and tipped my chin to the sky, closing my eyes and breathing in the sweet scent of peace.

Shen dashed a mere hundred feet from the edge of my tribe before a cave maw opened before us. Shen barked and bioluminescent moss lit up, shimmering with a gentle purple and blue and gold light. Each species of moss was a different color and twining in spirals on the walls were like living, glowing carpet.

He walked inside, his steps certain but languid as he turned his head so he could watch me gape at the glow.

A soft, consistent splash came from further within. The cavern was about the size of a large home, and on the far side was a sparkling pool of water.

Water spilled from an opening near the ceiling, glimmering in multi-colored streams. It almost seemed like the northern lights were in the water.

I slid down from Shen’s back, running a hand over the walls and the luminescent moss that almost seemed to lean into my touch.

“I know this cave, Shen. And it was nothing like this,” I said.

When I glanced back, Shen was standing there holding a cloak and a small blade. His hands were stark white where they gripped the sheath of the blade and kneaded the dark cloak.

“I—I had the dryad help when you asked the first time. I panicked… I wanted this to be special, to give you something memorable. Your sister helped me find your favorite colors, fashioned after the waterfall you… uhm…”

My arms wrapping around his waist and my face smacked into his chest, stopped his rambling. He made this. For me. “Thank you, Wolfie. It's beautiful.”

Shen relaxed as he wrapped his arms around me, careful not to poke me with the sheathed blades. “Good,” he said, such relief in his voice that I struggled to hold in a laugh.

“Wait. These… are for you,” he said, his eyes crinkling with a nervous smile.

He held out the cloak and the blade. I took the blade first, easing it from the sheath to see a stiletto with swirls of dark and light metals. The handle was made of ray leather, which was easy to grip and didn’t get too slick when bloody.

“Shen,” I gasped.

“It is a twin for the blade you stole,” he said with an ornery grin.

“But this one… it’s blade heavy.”

“I had the weight adjusted to what you prefer since you enjoy throwing knives so much,” he said with a wink.

I choked on a laugh, remembering the time I skewered his cloak to the wall after diving over that cliff and nearly dying. “Shen… this is…” I had no words. He had taken note of what I preferred in blades. I hadn’t even known it was possible to change the weight of blades. That had to have cost a fortune.

I grabbed the cloak, glancing up at him with a single brow raised. It seemed to just be a cloak…

“It is spelled. Put it beneath your Red hood and it will protect you,” he explained. “Some things can still get through it with enough force, but it will help. It is also resistant to fire.”

“Shen, this is too much. I didn’t get you anything?—”

He put a finger to my lips. “Alia, you are my gift for a lifetime. You are enough.”

My bottom lip trembled. I had no words. And he seemed to understand that as he helped me put on the cloak and strap the stiletto to my hip, opposite its twin that still clung to my thigh.

“I wish I had my old cloak,” I said, keeping busy straightening out the leathers around my new blade.

But when I glanced up…

My fingers reached out and touched the red fabric Shen held in his hands. I traced a mended rip in the fabric that matched the scar near my kidney. That wound had nearly taken my life after a mage’s guard had gotten lucky years ago.

“You do now,” Shen said, holding up the cloak. I realized then that the stitching of the rip had been made into a work of art. A massive brown and green willow tree started at the base of the cloak and ended above the shoulders. And on either should were my bonds—a werewolf on one side and a dragon on the other. I could see my sister’s love threaded in every stitch.

He helped me put it on and I smiled. The Red hood I had been wearing was nothing compared to this one. Holding it once more since it was torn felt like welcoming back an old friend. This fabric and I had seen so much together. It felt right to have it back now at the dawning of a new age.

“Are you ready?” he whispered, his deep voice sending a shiver down my spine. I nodded.

He leaned down, his lips brushing the curve of my neck where my shoulder met my neck. “The Mark of the Mate is typically placed here.” I shivered at the feel of his warm breath over sensitive skin. “But this is your choice. Where would you like it?”

I slowly moved my hand, pointing to my bracer. He slowly knelt, his eyes never straying from mine as he carefully undid the underside of the bracer and slid it off my arm. My heart leapt to my throat, and I feared he knew exactly what he was doing to me. The butterflies fluttering in my stomach; the warmth growing in my chest. Then his eyes went down to my wrist. He growled, low and deep. A threat. And a promise.

The Mark of Dishonor was a red and burnt-orange painting on the underside of my wrist. He kissed it tenderly. His lips spurred a shiver to race down my spine. His eyes stayed on mine as his fangs grew and scraped against my wrist until pain, sharp but muffled, burned up my arm. A thrill went through me as something deeper—something ancient yet timeless—surged from the mark. It raced up my arm and paused around the walls of my heart. It lingered there, sniffing, then it settled in and waited. Waited for me to choose.

My lip trembled. I had never let anyone get so close. Ran was an exception because we were forced together, but this? I was choosing this.

As the ageless and delicate spirit of the wolf slowly coiled around my soul, I released my fears and let down my walls so I could just be.

Shen

Her skin closed over as soon as I pulled back. It was the magic of the bond. Then a slow black speck began to grow where my teeth had marked. The black swirled, growing into the shape it would remain eternally. Every Mark of the Mate is unique to the specific couple.

Lycus was gone, leaving an oddly bereft part of me within. It felt as if part of my soul had departed. Technically, it had. He had gone to claim her.

I did not know what would happen when we mated. I had only known of werewolf-to-werewolf mates. What Alia and I would become would be something different. Something new. Something beautiful.

Alia’s eyes slowly closed, and I felt a tug on the mate bond as Lycus slowly prowled around the edges of her soul. Ran was there, watching us from the areas where she guarded Alia’s heart. Lycus was not with me, but he was still part of me. We could never be separated, not unless one of us so chose.

I felt him as he sat before Ran, as she studied him and probed into him.

He opened his soul to allow her to see every dark and broken deed in our past, to see how shattered we were and how we had healed. How we were forgiven but still struggling with our new life. How freedom had broken through what we were and how uncertain we were of what we would become.

Something about us must have been enough, for the massive, pearlescent dragon in Alia’s soul bent her head down and touched her nose to Lycus’ forehead.

I breathed out a sigh I had not realized I had been holding. Receiving Ran’s approval was worse than speaking with Alia’s father—and yes, I had spoken with him before asking Alia, and it had been as nerve-wracking as it sounded. Who ever imagined a werewolf would ask a Red for permission to Mark his daughter?

Alia’s face pinched as the black spread into a blanket of black on her wrist, covering the Mark of Dishonor. I wouldn’t force her to expose her soul to me. Now that Ran had allowed Lycus through, now that she was faced with the truth, Alia had to choose. It was one thing to understand that I would know her very soul. It was another to allow me to feel it.

Alia gasped as she dropped the walls of her innermost being.

My eyes burned and my soul sang. Lycus howled as he gently placed himself where he could both protect, provide, and watch over this lovely soul who was ours to shelter and support.

Her pinched brow smoothed, and her chin fell to rest against her chest. Her eyes, so blue and so very bright, fluttered opened. Within, I saw the wildness. A hint of burning, molten silver.

As the mate bond snapped into place, fully accepted, a mark appeared on my wrist to match hers. It itched as it grew, the feeling almost like the crawling of ants on skin. Except, this was pleasant.

It would take a while for Lycus to return to me. Until such a time, I felt her. All of her.

From the way her hair always stayed up because it annoyed the heck out of her in both day-to-day life and in battle, to the way her worst fear was to be vulnerable. Yet it was also more. She felt so many needs on a daily basis that she could not imagine allowing someone to care for her. She knew what it took to give, and to place that burden upon another caused her soul such pain she avoided it at all costs. But instead of running from her fear, she embraced it, became it, used it. She used it to become the empathetic and graceful creature who met people where they were. Used it to guide bloodthirsty humans through a journey of redemption, to guide people from guilt to forgiveness, and to guide a lonely, aching werewolf to freedom and acceptance.

She took the broken, aching parts of her soul and used them to bind up others’ wounds.

“Your soul bleeds,” I whispered, my voice breaking, my heart shattering, my very being fracturing and re-mending at what I saw behind the walls of her strength. When, for the first time, she let me see her.

She was every bit the glorious and beautiful creature I had anticipated would hide behind her walls. Of light and darkness. Of brokenness and mending. She was my starlight and my pathway home.

My Carissimus.