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“I was also talking to Ha-joon about…” Carla burst out laughing.

“Oh, Ellie, you look like you’re going to maul me each time I say his first name.

That’s why I’m dying. Fuck, go get some wolf action.

I’m all for you being treated well by the pup who is all about you too.

I promise I’m not in the running or way. ”

I flinched at what she said. Did I really act like that? Have that reaction?

Probably.

I sighed, mentally telling myself to get my shit together. “It’s all the stress. I’ve never been jealous in my life. I didn’t even realize that…”

Carla got serious. “It means it’s something that could be real or your feelings are. Go jump the Alpha wolf and have fun. If anyone here deserves some damn fun, it’s you , darling.”

I ignored what she said and focused back on work, but it was rattling around in the back of my mind.

He was.

The day things blew up with the board and Joel Warren tried to grab power and take me out, Dr. Clark left flowers at my door encouraging me. I simply stared at them and the card for several minutes once I was inside my condo.

Tommy would never have done something like this even when we were… Whatever we were. He would snuggle up to me and subtly tear into everything I’d done and make me doubt myself. He was never supportive. Ever.

Why had it really taken me so long to realize it?

Because it was what I was used to. It was what I’d grown up with, and even after surrounding myself with good people I could trust… I never really did. I never fully let them in—even Alan who I trusted most in the world.

I still always kept my armor on after how I’d grown up and the pain I’d suffered.

Before and after running from my family.

The flowers confused me but also set me free in a way. I was hanging onto the fallout of Tommy announcing us having been together and I wanted to be healthier than that.

But I didn’t know how. I was too stunted and manipulated to figure out anything this complicated. Or at least complicated for me.

Which was why I did something completely unlike me.

I reached out for help from someone I wanted to trust but always kept at arm’s length. She did as well, but after a decade working together, she had never shown to be anything but an ally.

And I needed that right then. Not a friend who might tell me what I wanted to hear, but someone on my side and who wanted what was best for me.

Me: I apologize for bothering you in your rare free time from the hospital, but I find myself conflicted personally and not sure how to handle the situation. If you have a moment to speak—off the record—I would appreciate it.

Dr. Renee Bass: Give me five minutes to finish bath time with the kids and I’m all yours.

Dr. Renee Bass: Be proud of yourself for reaching out for help. That’s the hardest part and one we struggle with as women being told we should be able to handle everything in our lives and more than is logical.

I blinked at the phone and sniffed, feeling seen and knowing I’d made the right choice. She was the right choice to reach out to because she was—there was a reason she was the head of Psychology and Mental Wellness at one of the best hospitals in our world.

She proved that again when after our greetings she already knew what I was struggling with. “You weren’t in a real, committed relationship in your head, but you’re realizing it was a relationship. One that was toxic and emotionally abusive and you don’t know what to do about that.”

It wasn’t really a question, but I confirmed it for her. “Yes.”

“I know you well enough that reaching out wasn’t your first step.

What have you done so far?” She was pleased to hear about my turning Saturday nights into self-care spa night.

“That’s very healthy, Ellie. Mentally and emotionally.

I wish I’d been so mature to focus on myself after getting out of a toxic relationship when I was young like you. ”

I swallowed a snort. She was one of the few who saw me as young. The witch was over a thousand years old, so three hundred and forty-five years old was younger to her.

“You’re taking the proper steps while you’re under way too much stress, and kudos to you for tagging in new help like Beth and Gerald. Amazing move and—you’re doing better than you think. I promise. Now, there is no right answer, but you want more progress and feel like you’re stalling out, right?”

“Yes,” I agreed after a few moments of thought.

“Good. That’s normal. We all need a push to be healthy and have support.

It takes a coven to raise a child but also keep us in line and well.

” She gave me a moment to absorb that and I needed it.

“If it was me—and I have done this as the next step—I would get rid of everything that reminded me of him. Not in anger, but be done with it.

“Make peace with the fact you messed up wasting time on someone toxic and manipulative. Don’t get down on yourself.

We’ve all done it. None of us is perfect.

This isn’t a pity party or another way to tear you down.

That bastard did that enough already. This is you maturing and reaching a new level to understand you want it in the past.”

“And getting rid of the lingerie I used to wear for him will do that?” I hedged, not thinking that it was really logical.

She was quiet for a moment. “Yes, because you just referred to it as lingerie you wore for him and not your lingerie, Ellie. He has ownership of those items in your mind. Those items are in your home and condo. You don’t want him there anymore, right?”

“No, no, I do not,” I said firmly, shocked how easily she laid it out and how much it made sense. I rubbed my chest and realized she was right. So much of Tommy was in my house even if we’d never been real.

He’d been something big in my life.

Something toxic I wanted gone.

Once she put it in that perspective, I realized there was a lot I wanted to get rid of and flinched. “How much is going too far?”

“How long were you with him?” she hedged.

“Almost a decade, but it wasn’t—the second and fourth Saturday isn’t a relationship, Renee.”

“ Yes , it is. Just not a boyfriend/girlfriend one we see as normal. He was your lover for almost a decade and you had routines and patterns. I wouldn’t blame you if you sold your damn condo and moved to start over, Ellie. Almost a decade? And it was toxic and abusive?”

“I don’t know I’d go that far and—”

“What sparked you into reaching out for help tonight?” she pushed. “What did you see that made you want to move forward? There was a catalyst to this.”

I told her about the flowers but not that they were at my door or who they were from. The rest though and what it made me realize.

“Ellie, he was emotionally abusive if you saw supportive flowers and immediately thought what you did. Please trust me that Tommy Fitz was abusive even if he never hit you.”

“Okay, I hear you,” I sighed, scrubbing my head. “I do. It’s just a lot.”

“It is even when you don’t have ASH on your shoulders and everything you’re going through.

I will say you should ask more of the department heads.

We’re paid well to handle what we should and you’re just such a rock star that we let you do your thing.

We can and should help more. I personally sat in on all the HR lectures and training.

“I made it clear that if people didn’t start getting in line and acting professional that they didn’t have to just worry about HR but me and my wrath. That I would get them blacklisted from just transferring to another job like they were a victim and shaming ASH. We all need to step up.”

“Can you give the other department heads that lecture?” I chuckled. “Right now, I’m drowning too much and trying to handle the mess. The department heads standing up to the board was a huge help, but it’s all been…”

“I know. I know it has, Ellie. That’s why you have to keep reminding yourself that you’re doing well.

And it doesn’t have to be all today.” She was quiet a moment as if considering her next words carefully.

“Clean out the lingerie tonight. Say goodbye to the woman who wore that for him and say hello to the new Ellie who wears lingerie for herself .”

“Okay, I’ll start there,” I agreed.

And she was right. That was exactly what I’d needed. I felt lighter after clearing out that part of my closet.

Unfortunately, it was the whole section of my closet. That dresser was just empty and all of the pretty robes or nightgowns gone.

This is my life without Tommy.

No! No, that was him talking. Not me. I hadn’t missed him at all.

What did I really feel about this?

I wanted the answer so badly that I plopped down and didn’t let myself get distracted. So what did I feel?

Embarrassed. I was embarrassed that I’d fooled myself that what we’d had wasn’t a relationship and was fine between two adults. Clearly, it wasn’t fine. It was more like Renee said. It was more to Tommy since he planned to mate me in the end. I was embarrassed how it all turned out.

Tired. I was tired of having Tommy and his bullshit on my mind. I was tired of thinking about him and all of this. It was exhausting. It made me feel old.

Something sparked with that last thought as I stared at the lingerie that was visible. It was probably four or five years old.

Was that the last time I’d bought lingerie to have fun with Tommy?

I dug through the bags and went through it all. The most recent item I’d bought over three years ago.

Bored. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I’d been bored and in such a routine that I’d gotten ready like a robot even after ending it with Tommy. It wasn’t exciting or fun, but a routine like washing the sheets on Sundays and getting into a clean bed that night.

And it was nothing like the two nights I’d spent with the wolf living a few floors below me. Just thinking about that made me shiver and crave the damn wolf again.

No, tonight was about me and moving on. I felt the closure though and bagged it all back up again. I didn’t think I could donate lingerie or anything that old even if in good shape. Maybe the nightgowns?

No.

No, I didn’t even want to pass on the juju from it all onto someone who deserved better. It was best just to have it tossed and sent back into the Earth or whatever. Buried and put to peace like the dead.

I felt settled from that and the next morning decided to pick up too many delicious donuts for the administrative staff… Only to have my good mood ruined when I found some resident hanging all over Dr. Clark and flirting.

I had no idea who she was, but I instantly wanted her dead.

Yeah, Carla’s right and I’m jealous. Great. That’s exactly what I need right now, twit.

I was too on edge though, and every time I almost blew my top, my mind went back to my naked time with Dr. Clark. It was so inappropriate at times, but… I wanted the stress relief. I wanted him. It was time to just admit it.

Really, it was.

And apparently, the stress was going to keep coming.

Tuesday morning, I was cornered by the mother of one of the remaining board members.

The way she talked down to me deserved several smacks.

She basically acted like she was doing me a favor giving me her youngest son like I didn’t know it was to solidify her eldest son’s position on the board… And to get him more power.

I was so disgusted that I couldn’t get my mouth to work and worried my magic would actually hurt the woman I was so on edge.

When she went into my wealth and said she would need to check it was real and not rumors for anything real to come about, I seriously moved my arm like I was raising it to hit her.

But Dr. Clark saved me. He was there right when I needed him to get me out of the mortifying and rage-inducing situation.

Again. He was there for me again.

And I liked that. More than I could admit.

Which was why I completely snapped when his “friend” from back home came to interview at the hospital and I walked up on another display. Carla was right and it was time to get myself a big helping of hot Alpha wolf and make sure his focus stayed on me.