Page 22

Almost an hour and a half later, we pull up to a building sitting on a small airfield. To the left is an aircraft hangar and a runway. I see the word "Skydive" on a banner and fear begins to creep into my belly. It all makes sense now. The whole dressing down thing.

Oh shit!

It feels like my belly is full of bees. "Umm, is there a restroom around?"

Phoenix's good-humored expression melts away as he looks at me with concern. He quickly points in the direction of the restroom, as he gets out of the truck.

As I rush to get there in time, the breakfast I had eaten that morning threatens to surface. I grip my stomach trying to contain that jittery, nervous feeling and place my hand over my mouth to keep from heaving.

What the fuck? This can't be the date. Who on earth told him this was a good idea? "Perfect, just perfect!" I yell at no one in particular. I run the water. My hands are shaking like crazy as I splash my face with a handful of water and then dry it off.

Calm down. It's cool.

Man up. You can do this. You always wanted to do this. Might as well take the opportunity now that it's staring you in the face.

I take another deep breath. The shaking slows down. I stand there in an almost meditative state as I calm my mind and body.

You talked all about letting go and going with the flow when you meet the next guy and look at you now. You're doing everything but that. Face it. Face yourself. You can do this. You will do this. You are doing this, damn it. Right now. Not later. Come on, let's go.

Nodding to myself, I walk out feeling like I might actually be able to pull this off. I find my way back to Phoenix. He's pacing in front of the building.

"You OK?" He peers at me in concern.

"I — uh. This was unexpected. You got me on this one." I clap my hands and rub them together like a gymnast powdering her hands before the big mount. "We're skydiving, I take it?"

"Yep, only if you're game. I remember you said you always wanted to do this. I don't know if you know this about me, but this was one of my first jobs before doing real estate. I was and still am a skydiving instructor. Although at this point, I skydive only on request."

Just then a tall, lean, blonde guy walks past Phoenix and fist bumps him. He carries the air of a retired, sun-loving, Californian surfer. "You in the clouds today?"

Phoenix nudges me. "Taking this newbie up for the ride of her life."

"Dude's been flying for what ten years now?" He looks to Phoenix for confirmation.

"Twelve actually." Phoenix half-smiles.

"Once you're up there you've just got to surrender and ride the wind." With a flick of his head, he whips his mid-length hair out of his eyes. "I can't get enough. It's why I became an instructor." He stands there beaming with pride.

"She's good. It's tandem."

"Tandem?" I'm such an outsider.

"Tandem skydiving. It's where we jump together. As a pair. I usually pull the cord for the parachute, but if you want, you can do it."

"Oh, yeah. If you're doing a tandem skydive, there's nothing to worry about.

All you have to do is be there. Although, you've got to make sure the harnesses are secure.

I had a lady recently, had to be at least a hundred years old.

She wanted to skydive. Finally found the balls to do it.

At her age! Which was way cool but right before the jump, she starts to panic.

She struggled with me and somehow almost slipped out of the harness.

I did a crazy last minute save. We landed.

Safely. She was happy." He points at me.

"Make sure the harness is secure, relax and go with it. You'll be fine."

"Wow! OK. Thanks for that. Puts my mind at ease . . . a bit."

"No prob. Let me know if you have any questions, but I'm sure the rising Phoenix here, has you covered.

" Smiling, he slaps Phoenix on the shoulder.

"Well, I'm off. Gotta meet with these guys.

" He points somewhere behind him. "Man, they're here almost every week.

They're really into it. See you in the clouds, bro? " He points at Phoenix to confirm.

"Maybe. Later."

Phoenix faces me, "Let's go sign some paperwork and get you brought up to speed on everything."

"Jumping out a plane, huh?" I brace myself. "Let that sink in." I raise my eyebrow in all seriousness. "It's not done till I'm on that goddamn plane. Ha! What a first date!" I exhale. "So, how many times have you jumped?"

Phoenix wraps his arm around my shoulder as we walk together. "Over a thousand. Easy as pie."

After hours of waiting around, learning the basics and chatting with other skydivers, we're finally getting ready to board the plane.

Phoenix glances at me as he zips up his jumpsuit and adjusts his harnesses. "Suited and booted. Feeling ready yet?"

I inhale the fresh fragrance of grass and trees as we step outside. "Yes, I think I am. No, wait. I know I'm ready." We board the plane and take our seats.

The sound of my heart pounding in my ears is comforting in a weird way.

It's the one thing that's familiar in this crazy situation.

I can hear the hum of the engine as the pilot prepares for takeoff.

Now there's movement, our bodies rock as the speed increases on the runway.

Suddenly we're airborne. My heart prances.

My body shivers ever so slightly under the suit.

My breath gets shallow. There's no turning back now.

A surge of energy travels through my veins, like electricity rushing through telephone wires at high voltage.

I am here. I am present. I'm alive and even though it's frightening, down to the depths of my soul, it's also exhilarating.

I'm weightless, having left all emotional baggage on the ground.

All disappointment, all shame, and dare I say, all fear, have left my body.

I have no control and there's a certain comfort in that.

I practically need a rope to tie me down or I'll float away.

The pilot addresses the cabin. "Hello, fellow skydivers! Congratulations! We're now at an elevation of 14,000 feet. We'll circle around to get closer to the drop zone, in the meantime, enjoy the view."

The ex-surfer instructor is aboard, along with a few unfamiliar faces, all of whom are skydiving solo.

I guess these are the guys he was talking about.

They joke back and forth, talking shit and teasing each other.

Looks like I'm the only one doing a tandem skydive.

Their eager, ready-to-go vibe imparts a sense of ease in me. My body relaxes a little.

The door is opened, and a whirlwind enters the hollow body of the plane.

It's so loud that we yell to be heard. The beach bum instructor tells the guys to line up behind him.

Phoenix lets me know we're going last. We stand in anticipation.

Phoenix hooks his harnesses into mine and does what seems like endless safety checks.

Now we're conjoined twins, I can only breathe when he exhales.

We're one. He hovers over me, ever-present as I watch the guys jump out of the plane one by one.

There's a closeness between us that's matched only by one other time since we've known each other, the night of our impromptu night on the town.

Now it's our turn. We're the only ones left in the body of the plane.

Peering past the open door, I drink in the afternoon sky.

It looks amazing from this perspective. Hues of crystal blue color the sky in soft, blended strokes.

Below us is a bed of fluffy, white clouds that seem so feathery, whispery soft, you'd fall fast asleep immediately on landing on them.

It's serene up here, away from the hustle and bustle of life.

No street lights, cars or corners, technology or TV.

It's life as it has always been, raw, without modification, unpackaged, unprocessed. It's simply beautiful.

I look down and see the others doing all kinds of cool tricks I'd never feel confident enough to do. One of the guys does a swan dive, another does aerial flips. They all meet up and hold hands forming a square.

The beach bum instructor looks up and waves for us to come down. I feel my grip on the bar turn to cold steel. My hand is not coming undone. My entire body freezes, paralyzed by the vast, untapped openness that lies before me. No form, no structure, no rules. It's free out there. Total freedom.

Are you ready to be free?

Phoenix, sensing my hesitation, embraces me from behind.

His body warms me, melting away my resistance.

His touch is so tender, it soothes all doubt.

I relax under his embrace, losing myself, becoming one with him.

Then he gently removes my hand from the bar.

We leap forward, out the door and into the crystal blue abyss.

Finally, as trusty old beach bum suggested, I surrender.

I give up control and ride the wave. With wind rushing towards my face, I'm incredibly thankful for the goggles.

I feel Phoenix momentarily wrap his arms around my waist and kiss me on the neck as if to give me reassurance.

I open my arms and fly. Everything is in slow motion.

We nose dive, getting closer to our fellow skydivers, joining hands to form a perfect, five-point star.

There are smiles and thumbs up all around.

We release hands and our star disintegrates.

The ground is fast approaching and one by one, the cords are pulled.

I decide to be the one to pull our cord.

Suddenly the wind catches our parachute and we shoot back up into the sky abruptly.

Then we begin a slow descent. We're gliding, floating along.

The rush has passed. We lazily drift, and I finally catch my breath.

The ground is right under us now. We hit with a thud and just like that, it's over.

The parachute covers us. Phoenix unclips our connected harnesses and we find our way out.

"So, how was it?" he asks with a knowing grin.

"What a rush! I can't put it into words. I feel free, like I'm bigger somehow. Like small things don't bother me so much. I see what's important now. You know?"

"My first few jumps were like that. Like all the small stuff that took up space in my head, all the remedial arguments and bullshit, is just that, bullshit. Jumping still puts a lot of things into perspective for me."

"Now that it's over, me too!"

"Would you do it again?"

"Would you go with me again?"

We sit in the grass, soaking in the moment.

The world looks brand new, like I've never truly seen it before.

The haze, something I wasn't even aware was there, has lifted.

Everything around me, every person's face, every blade of grass, every leaf, every detail of the stitching on my suit is crystal clear.

The grass and trees are greener, more vibrant and alive.

The birds soar with a grace I've never noticed before.

The sounds of birds chirping, and insects serenading is a score that Beethoven himself couldn't make any more beautiful. I'm touched.

I glance at Phoenix. He seems to glow in the afternoon sun. Golden rays of light bounce off his gorgeous, rugged, chiseled features as he closes his eyes to feel the warmth. He's perfect. Absolutely perfect.

How had I not seen any of this before? How had I missed all of this?