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Ollie

I’m sitting on a giant beanbag chair in the corner of the Littles’ room at Oasis. It’s the BDSM club I visit at least twice a month to slip into Baby headspace. Usually, being here helps me let go, but sometimes, even in this safe space, it’s hard to fully relax.

Most of the Littles here regress to ages between three and ten, but I’m different. I never regress older than one. It makes me feel isolated, knowing I don’t quite fit in even here, where those who don’t fit in thrive. Most of the time, I just sit here and watch, unable to fully dive into my headspace.

There’s another Baby here, Ceecee, but she’s a girl. Being male and gay makes it harder to find someone willing to take care of me.

I used to have a Daddy, Brad, but he passed away. We weren’t in a romantic relationship. Just two friends who felt safe with each other. I was his Baby, and he was my Dom. No kisses, no “I love yous,” and no sex. It wasn’t about that for us. And even if it were, I wouldn’t engage in anything sexual while in Baby headspace. That’s for Big Ollie to deal with.

When Brad got sick and passed away, it left me completely alone. I know it sounds selfish, but I miss him terribly. He was my best friend, my rock. Without him, I’ve felt more lost and alone than ever.

After Brad’s death, it took me a while to gather the courage to come back to Oasis. At first, I hated it. I was surrounded by Littles with their Daddies and Mommies, while I had no one. Occasionally, a Dom would ask if we could play, and that was fun until one time, a Dom punished me for using my diaper.

Before that, using my diaper was always part of my Baby headspace. But after that experience, I haven’t used one again, not even when I’m alone.

For a long time, I prayed that Steel and Blaze would want to be my Daddies. They were so kind and protective of me, but in the end, they chose Raven. And honestly, I’m glad they did. They deserve someone like her. It took me a while to realize that I wasn’t drawn to them romantically; it was just the way they treated me, with the kindness and care that I craved.

Now, I’ve decided I won’t be with another Daddy Dom unless I truly have feelings for them.

About seven months ago, I saw a familiar face at Oasis. My boss, Steve Harvey. He was just as surprised to see me as I was to see him. Instead of going in, he asked me to dinner.

I was shocked when he revealed he was a Daddy Dom. He said he’d always wanted a Baby/Daddy relationship and asked if I’d give it a try. Feeling desperate to matter to someone, I said yes.

At first, everything seemed perfect, but it didn’t take long for his true colors to show. He was a bully. He wanted me to act like a Baby, but he got angry when I did Baby things. He especially hated that I didn’t talk, but in Baby headspace, I don’t talk. Heck, when I’m Big, I hardly talk.

The night he hit me was the night I walked away. After being rescued from beneath a building, long story, I told the Obsidians what happened.

I haven’t seen or heard from Steve since. But I quit my job at Starlight Inn, regardless. I just couldn’t work there anymore, knowing that he could walk through the doors at any moment. I mean, he did own the company, after all.

Honestly, I hate being an adult.

“Do you wanna come play?” Knox asks.

“No, thanks,” I smile.

Tilting his head, he studies me for a long while before going back to his Legos. Knox sure does love his Legos.

“Do you want me to read you a story?” The Domme asks. She’s usually in here to watch over the ones who have no one.

Aka. Me.

I shake my head and snuggle further into the bean bag. I know that everyone is trying, but I just know I won’t be able to regress.

I shouldn’t have come.

Ceecee crawls over and climbs onto the bean bag with me before cuddling in and sticking her thumb in her mouth.

Jealousy flows through me, and it makes me feel like a horrible person.

“Ceecee,” her Daddy, Mike, says. “I don’t think Baby Ollie wants to play right now.”

“It’s okay,” I tell him. “I don’t mind a good cuddle buddy.”

Mike, too, studies me carefully. I get it. I don’t normally talk. Mostly because I’m normally in Baby headspace.

They all know something’s wrong.

And they’re right. Something is wrong, and I’m trying very hard to pull myself out of it.

After the incident with Steve, I lived with Knox and his Papa for a few months. But I could see that my depression was pulling Knox down with me, and that just couldn’t happen. So, I moved into a small apartment. That wasn’t a fun conversation, and Taylor tried everything in his power to get me to stay, but I just couldn’t taint them with my life any more than I already had.

They check on me every day, but I simply smile and tell them I’m fine.

But I’m not.

I’m not fine.

Not at all.

Mike brings over a bottle of juice for Ceecee and raises his brows in question.

I shake my head. I’m not in the right headspace for a bottle.

I can see his worry, but I can’t help it.

I lay back fully and let Ceecee use my chest as a pillow, and I watch the cartoons on the tv mounted on the wall.

Even when I’m not a Baby, I’m not fully grown either. I can spend all day watching cartoons and coloring. Knox once told me that sounds like his Little.

Steel seems to think I’m a Baby when regressed and a Little when not.

He may be right.

I really hate being an adult.

So, right now, I’m not going to be.

I’m going to cuddle my friend and watch cartoons.