Page 15 of Echoes of a Forgotten Warrior (A Highland Ruse of Love #2)

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B laire felt as though her heart had been ripped out. Even though she had left Connor of her own accord, she felt devastated, and the sense of guilt and shame at abandoning him while he was still so vulnerable was a weight on her shoulders that was almost too much to bear.

As well as that, she was burdened with the notion that she might have the means to stop the conflict, but had done nothing because to do so would put Connor in danger. By default, that made her an accomplice of the Lovatts. She hoped that he did not think the worst of her because she had left him, thinking that perhaps she believed the story about him being a murderer. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t, unable to win.

She had been brought close to Rosskern by one of the Lovatts’ servants in a cart which had been loaded with vegetables so that they looked like farmworkers. It had taken them all day to cover the short distance, since the unwieldy vehicle moved very slowly.

Finally, they came within sight of the imposing towers of Rosskern Castle, and Blaire alighted from the clumsy vehicle and stood for a moment, trying to calm down. The village was a little further away than the castle, which gave Blaire time to get her jumbled thoughts in order.

Blaire knew who she wanted to see first, and that was Rosina. Because Rosina would listen to her and not interrupt when she spoke, she would give her a shoulder to cry on and make a hot meal for her. She was already soaked and frozen to the bone, and snow was beginning to drift down from the bruise-coloured sky. In a way, this suited her because no one would be standing in the streets to witness her arrival.

Blaire’s feet and hands were numb by the time she arrived at the village. She was making her way towards Rosina’s house when she heard her name being called. She turned to see Ina from the tavern running towards her, an expression of deep concern on her face. Blaire groaned inwardly, since she had desperately wanted her friend’s shoulder to cry on.

“Blaire, where have ye been?” she cried, then looked her up and down quickly, and without another word, began to haul her into the tavern. “Look at ye—ye’re frozen solid! Come wi’ me before ye turn intae an icicle.”

Blaire almost laughed because Ina was not usually the sort of person who offered kindness and solicitude to anyone. She had kicked so many drunks out of the tavern in her time that her heart had almost turned to flint. However, Blaire was a different story, since Ina held her in high esteem, and those people who were lucky enough to have her respect were always treated with extreme courtesy and warmth.

Now, Ina sat a shivering Blaire in a chair by the fire, took her wet shoes off to dry them, wrapped her in a warm blanket and brought her a cup of hot mulled ale to warm her hands and her insides. Blaire sipped the hot, fragrant liquid and nursed the warm cup in her hands, feeling the numbness in her fingers gradually disappearing as the heat worked its magic. Her toes were tingling as they slowly thawed out, and the heat from the fire was making her wet clothes steam as they dried.

Ina sat down beside her and looked into her eyes with deep concern. “Where have ye been, hen?” she asked. “We have a’ been that worried about ye!”

Blaire put her face in her hands for a moment, then looked up again and let out a deep sigh. She hated lies, but she had decided to go down that path as a last tribute to her love. No one should have found out the truth about Connor. Not from her, anyway.

“I-I heard that the soldiers needed medical help, so I went out to treat them. The only means of transport I could find was a farm cart, and there was a man to escort me. It was very foolish of me, but I chose to take the risk of helping.”

At that moment, Blaire thought of Connor and burst into tears. She had always had an uncanny ability to weep bitterly at will, but now she was crying genuine, heartfelt tears that came straight from the centre of her being.

“The Lovatts ambushed us,” she replied, still sobbing. “They took me to on of the houses they gathered their soldiers and James soon came to my rescue. However, he was only one man amongst many, and he was outnumbered. During the fight, he was injured, and I had to look after him. The injury was not serious, only a gash on his leg, but it bled a lot and I bandaged it, but then he went into shock with the pain and passed out.

Finian Lovatt, the Lovatt heir, came to see him; he would not let us go. James tried to convince him to let me go, at least. We fought, I would rather not leave him behind, but James said that I was needed here.”

More tears came as Blaire thought of him lying hurt in Lovatt soil.

“I thought I could get help to free him. Oh, God, what have I done?”

Ina obviously thought Blaire was crying because she had been in the hands of the Lovatts, which suited Blaire’s purpose, but she felt dreadful. She had the means of turning Connor in and letting the Sutherlands administer their own justice to him, yet she did not have the heart to do it, since she loved him too much. Yet men were being killed, and she was allowing it to happen; what kind of person did that make her?

Her thoughts were interrupted when Ina stood up and said, “If ye go across that road now, ye will get soaked again. Stay here an’ I will get ye somethin’ hot tae eat, an’ if ye need tae, ye can stay here tonight.”

Blaire was astonished. She had seen glimpses of Ina’s heart of gold but had never witnessed it fully until now. “Thank you, Ina,” she said gratefully, “that would be most welcome. You are so kind.”

“Dinnae tell anybody, mind!” Ina warned her sternly. “I’ve got a reputation tae keep up.”

Blaire summoned up a laugh, and held her hands out to the warmth of the fire. Her body was beginning to feel a little better, but she was weeping inside. How could she have left her gentle, noble James, the man she cared for most in the world, behind? Even though she knew what his real name was now, she would only ever be able to think of him as James.

Blaire visualised him now as she sat looking into the flames, and pretended that he was sitting by her side, his ice-blue eyes looking into hers. He was smiling, and deep dimples had appeared on his cheeks, which she had always loved to put her forefingers into, making him laugh. His face was bristling with his morning beard, since he had not yet shaved, and she ran her palms over it, loving its raspy feel, and when he kissed her, she moved her head forward to receive it.

She had almost convinced herself that he was really there as she closed her eyes and waited for the pleasure to go on, but she was startled out of her reverie when Ina brought her a tray of chicken soup and some hot buttered bannocks. Blaire knew that people who were as upset as she was often lost their appetites, and she felt a little stab of guilt, since there was nothing wrong with hers, and she tucked in until her plate was empty.

By that time, customers were beginning to drift into the tavern, and Ina was obliged to leave Blaire and go to see to their needs. Seeing this, Blaire decided that it was time to leave before anyone saw her and started asking her questions. She wanted to thank Ina, but did not want to become embroiled in difficult conversations and have to tell dozens of lies, so she slipped outside into the rain and ran to her house.

She was soaked before she opened the door, but she hardly noticed, and when she stumbled inside, the first thing she did was to throw herself on her bed and cry until she had no tears left.

S OMEHOW, Blaire managed a few hours rest, although her sleep was fitful, disturbed by nightmares about Connor and his fate in the hands of the Lovatts. Even though she knew his true identity now, she still felt that he was in danger; she had always regarded the Lovatts as the enemy, and it would take some time to change her mind.

When Rosina saw Blaire the next day, she welcomed her with a heartfelt hug. “Thank God, Blaire!” she said thankfully. “Where have you been? Are you all right? I have been worried sick!”

Blaire felt even more guilty now, realising that she had caused her friend and mentor so much anxiety. “I am fine, Rosie,” she replied.

Rosina looked at her suspiciously, noting her white face and bloodshot, red-rimmed eyes. “No,” she said, shaking her head. “You are not fine. Something dreadful has happened. Tell me what it is.”

Blaire hesitated, then began to speak, thinking carefully as she went along. “It was quite terrifying,” she said as firmly as she could. If she told Rosina the truth, she would put her in the same untenable position that she herself was in. She had told Ina about James’s capture, but since he was apparently just another soldier, nobody would expect an attack just to rescue him. She would simply leave out the matter of his identity.

Rosina tilted Blaire’s chin up so that they were eye to eye. “Have you been harmed in any way?” Her meaning was obvious. Rosina wanted to know if Blaire had been sexually taken advantage of.

“No,” she replied, dropping her gaze from Rosina to the floor. “I was on my way to see my father…”

When she said the word ‘father,’ Rosina gave a ‘hmph’ of derision. She hated Cameron Sutherland.

“…to try to stop the fighting, but as you can imagine I met with no success. I had to try though. However, on the way we were ambushed by the Lovatts, but our driver managed to get away and alert the Sutherlands. James heard that I had been taken and managed to find me. He was injured, but I was allowed to treat him. However, Finian Lovatt would not let us go—not both of us. James persuaded him to set me free. I was not sure what to do, but after struggling with my conscience for a while, I decided to leave him, thinking I would find help to rescue him. I failed on that, too, though. No one was willing to attack the Lovatts and free James. He is just a soldier. I feel dreadful abandoning him, Rosie.”

“I understand how you feel,” Rosina said sadly, knowing how James and Blaire felt about each other. “I would probably feel the same if I were in your shoes, but you did the right thing. You have skills that are useful to all of us here.”

“But it doesn’t make me feel any better.”

“Whatever happens in the future, you know that you have been in love,” Rosina said. “That kind of love has never come my way, Blaire. You are very fortunate.”

Blaire had thought of this, of course—she had much to be grateful for.

“I know that,” Blaire said, sighing. “But I already miss him so much, Rosie.”

“I know,” she answered sadly. “But I have faith that you made the right decision. He is a strong man, he will be fine.”

Blaire nodded and accepted a glass of ale from her friend, then, with an effort, she smiled. “Shall we get to work?” she suggested.

Rosina hugged her. “It is so good to have you back,” she said warmly.

E VERY INJURED man that was brought to her was a stark reminder to Blaire that Connor was lying in the Lovatt estate missing her and probably worrying about her, as she was about him. Her guilty conscience did not help either, since it reminded her of the fact that she could stop it with a few words.

Many times, while she was staunching a wound or setting a broken limb, Blaire found herself weeping silently as she thought of Connor. She was obviously in distress, but no one bothered to comfort her except Rosie, since many people thought that Blaire should have stayed to look after him. He had always been a popular man, especially since he had decided to fight for the Sutherlands, and his bravery had been admired by everyone, particularly since he had volunteered.

However, as the days went by, Blaire was heartened to see that she was treating fewer and fewer men from both sides. Was the fighting finally coming to an end, or was another attack coming? Was this the calm before the storm? Whatever it was, Blaire was taking advantage of it to try to heal herself a little. She was finally managing to sleep better, and although she had briefly toyed with the idea of taking laudanum, which worked very well, she had rejected the idea due to the fact that it was extremely addictive.

She found out the reason for the hiatus when news came from one of the Sutherland scouts that the Lovatt army was retreating. Blaire breathed a sigh of relief as her work suddenly dried up. She was sure it was only a hiatus, however, and tried to be realistic and not too positive. They were still in a state of war.

Rosina came into Blaire’s room just as she was dressing herself one morning to impart a startling piece of news. “I have just heard something that might give us a lot less work in the next few weeks,” she said. “Laird Sutherland had received news that Connor Lovatt is now back at Strathburn Castle. Apparently, one of our scouts saw him there and rode back straight away. Perhaps we will have peace now, Blaire.”

Blaire pinned a smile on her face, even as a lump of dread and fear settled in her stomach. “Peace?” she said. “It sounds too good to be true, Rosie, but I hope you are right.”

“Can you imagine things being back to normal again, Blaire?” Rosina asked as she sat down and picked up her mending. “No more wounds to stitch or bones to set, and no more closing the eyes of the dead.”

“Indeed,” Blaire agreed, nodding before she went back to work. It was going to be torture to try to keep up a cheerful facade in front of Rosina, but she had to do it until she saw how the situation panned out. For now, she would have to suffer in silence.

At least the decision about whether the Lovatts would attack had been taken out of her hands and her moral dilemma had been solved, she thought. However, it had been done in the worst way possible.

What would they do to Connor? Would he be punished? Would her father demand his imprisonment? She could not bear to think about the last possibility, that they might execute him. She felt so helpless, there was nothing she could do to save Connor, and the thought of never seeing him again was almost unbearable.