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VIDEO FROM THE INTERNET ARCHIVE, ORIGINALLY POSTED ON INSTAGRAM BY @HOT_FIT_MESS:

Music fades into background. The scene is dark, an alley somewhere, with brick walls and peeling posters. There’s a streetlight casting a faint orangish glow. A striking woman with short hair and red lipstick appears in frame and speaks to the camera .

“Hi everyone, it’s me, Opal. Today’s video is a little bit different from the normal stuff, but hey, it hasn’t been a normal day, has it? If you’ve seen the news, you know that the name I was born with is Pearl Howe, and my married name was Pearl Bolt. That was the name that Cora Neale knew me by, and before I go any further with this video, I want to say something to anyone who knew Cora, something that I haven’t been able to say publicly before, but everyone knows who I am now, so screw it.

“I am so sorry that Cora died. I wish she were still alive. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. Especially recently, when I’ve learned more about what it’s really like to care about people. I wish she’d never taken those tablets. If I could trade my life for hers, I would. She lost her life, and what for? To try to lose weight? Those supplements were supposed to be harmless, but the idea behind them was pure poison. Pardon my French, but there’s something fucked up about a society that tells women that they’re only valid and attractive if they’re thin. She was beautiful just as she was.”

Opal looks into the camera for a beat, and then glances away, at something by her side .

“Anyway. I didn’t want Cora to die. But I did want this guy to.”

The camera pans down to a large open suitcase on the ground. In it lies the body of a man. His limbs have been curled into a fetal position to fit into the suitcase. His eyes are open, he is not moving, and he looks very dead .

Back to Opal. She speaks with the ease of someone who is used to doing a lot of social media posts .

“This guy is a villain. He’s a criminal associate of my ex-husband, who is a man known as Zander Bolt. I found him when I was tracking down Zander, and he’s a very bad dude, with a line in extortion, murder, and assault. Fortunately, ladies? You don’t have to worry about him anymore, because he’s dead. Blunt instrument to the skull. It felt great.

“So yes, this video is my confession! But keep watching, because for those of you who usually watch my fitness videos—and I’m grateful to all of you and sorry that they have to end now—I’ve got one last exercise demonstration for you. Hold on a sec. I’m doing this on my own here, so I have to prop up the phone on a wall.”

The video wobbles, and there’s a close-up of Opal’s shoulder, but when it steadies, there’s a wider view of the alley. More brick walls, more peeling posters. The open suitcase lies on the ground next to an open green dumpster. Opal appears, a full-body-length view now. She waves cheerfully and speaks to the camera again .

“I call this move ‘Taking Out the Trash.’ Now remember: don’t try this unless you’ve already learned the proper techniques for weight training. Ideally, you should have a spotter, but of course we don’t want to implicate anyone else in our crimes so in this case, I’m going it alone.”

Opal bends over the suitcase and addresses the camera .

“I’m going to zip up the suitcase before I demo this move, so say goodbye to your friend, everybody. I’ve turned on location services for this reel, though, so once I’ve posted it, if you want to find him, you shouldn’t have any problems. With any luck, I’ll be long gone by then.”

She lifts the body’s arm, as if to wave, but there’s no hand at the end of it, only a bloody stump .

“Whoops. Sorry, wrong arm. Dude seems to have lost his left hand. Not sure where that went. So, that’s about a pound off the lift total, but the principle remains the same. I’ll tuck that back in and zip up the suitcase. That doesn’t really affect the weight, but it makes the whole package tidier, more centered, and easier to lift. Here we go. Remember: lift from the legs, not your back. Get a good hold, you don’t want to drop him, because postmortem injuries might mess up the autopsy, and those pathologists have a hard enough job, am I right? Okay, now: brace, lift, and hold.”

Opal hoists the suitcase and holds it at waist height, her arm muscles bulging .

“Now remember what I always say: if it hurts, that’s your body’s way of telling you to back off. Maybe find another way to get rid of your dead man that doesn’t require so much lifting. An unfinished building site, or an abandoned quarry. For example. I don’t officially endorse any particular method, this is just what works for me. You do you, boo! Right, so finally, you turn—and remember, your legs are your base now—and you just send that bad guy right into the skip with the rest of the rubbish, where he belongs.”

She matches her actions to her words as she talks, and tips the suitcase into the dumpster, on top of several bin bags. Then she turns back to the camera with a smile, wiping her hands on her leggings .

“So there you have it: Whole Man Disposal Services, an internet meme come to life. I hope you’ve enjoyed today’s demo and it’s inspired you to make healthy changes in your lifestyle. If you want to learn more, or you’re curious about what ever happened to my lying, cheating husband, Zander Bolt, you can find one I’ve prepared earlier by checking out the location link in my bio. Have a great day, ladies, and don’t forget: stay strong!”

Reel ends .

The comment attached to the reel reads:

OH AND BY THE WAY, @GLOWUPP _ MAKEUP SUCKS.

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