Page 51 of Earls Most Wicked

Great amber and pink streaks lit the sky, tearing the way across it as though the sky had been sliced by a sword multiple times. The sun lingered on the horizon, not quite ready to give up for the day.

Patience had, however. She had surrendered. She had waved the white flag. Rolled over and played dead. No more of this charade, she told herself.

Not even the rhythmic pounding of her horse’s hooves beneath her could soothe away the angry ache throbbing in her heart. She had never felt the likes of it before and she never wanted it again. No wonder she had spent her life avoiding men and romantic feelings. They were simply horrible.

She swiped a tear that rolled traitorously down her cheek and sniffed hard. Unfortunately more followed and by the time she reached home, her cheeks were damp and her eyes sore.

The horse insisted on giving her a quick nuzzle as Patience stowed the gelding in the stable. Apparently the animal knew well how Patience was feeling. Though she did not dare remain with her too long or else the simple affection from the mount would likely have her crumbling to the floor.

To think she nearly—No, she would not say it to herself. Patience stomped from the stable and made her way around the back of the house. Lamps were lit in the drawing room and upstairs so her mother or brother were in. She could not face them with a red nose and likely swollen eyes so she opted for sitting in the gazebo in the garden.

Why had she ever trusted that man? She tore off a leaf from a nearby plant and shredded it into tiny pieces before starting on another poor, defenseless leaf. Why had she ever let herself fall under his spell? These past weeks had been confusing and…and ridiculous. She had not known whether she was coming or going.

But now she knew. She was going. Running far away from Nathaniel Kingsley, the man who did not trust her to do her job. First, she would call off the engagement. She would tell Harry that he was a cad. A man who could not be trusted. Harry might still be disappointed but he would not blame her if he thought Nate was a man of bad character. Then she would go to her cousins’ in Devon. Stay there for a few months perhaps. Wait for the gossip to vanish.

And when she returned she would avoid looking that man in the eyes ever again.

A great, ugly sob escaped her. Even as she tried to keep it in. The sound was so hideous that another followed it. Then another. She was not sure if she was crying because she hated that she was crying or because she loathed the thought of never seeing Nate again.

Fool that she was.

That man did not deserve her tears. She flung a half-shredded leaf away and it fluttered onto her lap. She eyed the disobedient leaf and brushed it off her legs. Nate deserved nothing. He had toyed with her, perhaps using her as a momentary distraction. He had used her ill indeed. If anyone understood how much that mission had meant to her, it was Nate. All those quiet evenings spent spilling out secrets she had never admitted to anyone…

A crazed laugh bubbled from her. How foolish she must have sounded. How much he must have laughed. Poor little Patience Grey. No one to talk to but a rogue with no morals.

“What the devil was that noise?”

Patience twisted her head to view Harry heading down the garden path. He carried a candle, much to her regret. Perhaps she would have escaped his sympathy had he not been able to see her face.

She sniffed and shrugged. “Cat perhaps.”

He smiled and came to sit by her. “Or a wailing woman.”

“Strange. I have seen no wailing women.”

Harry set the candleholder on the alcove in the gazebo and twisted to eye her. “I think I have.”

A hand reached up to brush her cheek and that did it. She felt herself crumble in two. Harry opened his arms and drew her into them. The shock of the contact made the tears come harder and faster. She could not recall the last time her brother had embraced her. When she was five perhaps and had skinned her knee, or maybe when she fell from a tree at the age of seven.

He brushed her hair with a palm and made soothing noises. She could not be sure what they were because the tears still came. After a while, she could not be sure what she was crying for. The loss of a silly dream perhaps. The idea that maybe, just maybe, someone like Nate could care for her. She imagined some of the tears were for her brother and his care of her. How he had looked after her since she was a young girl and all she longed to do was make him proud—yet she had failed.

Thanks to Nate, she thought bitterly.

When her head began to hurt and her throat grew dry, the tears slowed. Harry did not push her away but let her remain against his chest until her breathing steadied. Finally, she eased herself up and swiped her hot, sticky face with a hand.

Harry offered her a handkerchief and she gave an unladylike blow.

“Better?” he asked.

“I think so.” Her voice sounded raw and hollow.

Lifting her head, she gazed out at the garden. The sun had vanished entirely, cloaking it in a black, unrelenting blanket. Clouds hid the stars from view and all that could be seen was that which was lit by the candle.

“Would you like to tell me what that was about?”

Drawing in a long, long breath, she twisted to eye Harry. “I have disappointed you again.”

“How so?”

She licked her dry lips. “I failed Jacob’s mission.”

He scowled. “You found the information. How is that failure?”

“I did not finish it. Jacob did.”

“From what I hear, you did all the work. Jacob was merely the messenger. But why should any of that matter to me?”

“Because…because…” She sighed and let her shoulders slump. “Because you are proud of Jacob and George and Edward. They are all serving their country. I just wanted to do the same.”

Harry shook his head and laughed a little. “Patience, you have more than made me proud. You always did. Who else could claim to have such a headstrong sister that they need not worry about her falling into the arms of some rogue? Who could say with confidence that their sister could likely take on twenty men twice her size and come away without a scratch? You are without a doubt the strongest and fiercest sister a man could ask for and I am lucky to have you. I have never needed to escort you about the country and search out a boring husband to ensure you settled and were not taken advantage of. I count myself a lucky man.”

She absorbed the words but there were so many, it was hard to take them all in. So Harry was proud of her after all then?

“But I do not think you are crying because you supposedly failed. After all, you have been home some time since the mission and you were not crying before.”

She squeezed the handkerchief hard between her hands, as though she could crush away the memory of her humiliation. Patience lifted her chin and met her brother’s concerned gaze. If she had known how proud of her he was, would she have pushed herself as hard throughout her life? Could she have ignored what she had heard from her father all those years ago before his death? Did she even regret that she had been so competitive? Perhaps. But perhaps not. After all, she had but only one regret—and that was ever considering giving her heart to Nate.

“I-I have broken off the engagement with Nathaniel Kingsley.”

“Ah.”

“You are disappointed,” she stated, turning her gaze to her lap.

“In him, yes, if it turns out he was not as in love with you as I thought.”

She snapped her gaze to his. “You think he was in love with me?”

“Did he never tell you that?”

“Well, I…” No, he had not. But he had told Jacob. He had said many lovely things to her brother that he had yet to say to her. However, that did not excuse his behavior did it? If he truly cared for her, he would not have ruined things for her. The chances were she would never have really gone with Pauline but he stole that choice from her. “Not as such,” she finished softly.

“But he does love you?”

Patience lifted a shoulder. “I think so, but…”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes.”

The word came out without thought, without it even echoing in her head. Yes, she loved him. She had likely loved him for some time now. Since their first nights alone, maybe. It was hard to tell. It had been sneaking up on her, working its way into her very bones.

Love .

It now pounded in her heart with every beat. Love, love, love . But did she want to love a man that would so disregard her needs, even if he did seem to think he was somehow saving her from herself?

“Patience, Nathaniel Kingsley is everything a brother could want for a sister—in rank and wealth. However, his character leaves something to be desired. That said, the very obvious love he had for you from the moment I saw him persuaded me that if you did indeed love him, I should give you my blessing.”

“His character…” She drew in a breath. “His character is…” She smiled. “Nathaniel Kingsley is a rogue. He is a flirt. He’s the most infuriating, pig-headed, annoying man I have ever met. But I was wrong about him for the most part. He is loyal and trustworthy. He has done more for this country than most people will ever understand, at great peril.”

Harry frowned but let her continue.

The soft smile refused to abate. “He is not so very bad, I suppose.”

Harry chuckled. “If he is not so very bad, why are you breaking off the engagement?”

She shook her head slowly. “I am not sure. I do not know if the things that I thought were important are now.”

Her brother squeezed her hand. “Let me be the older, wiser brother for but a moment. I am no expert in love—God knows I have yet to find my match—but there are few men who could keep up with you, Patience. I believe Nate is one of them. If he has your best interests at heart, then whatever had happened to make you think badly of him, I suggest you at least speak with him about it. You do have a tendency to leap without thinking. Do not ruin a chance at love.”

Patience peered at her brother. “When did you become so wise?”

“The war,” he said grimly, “makes one grow up fast. Besides, raising three brothers and a sister does tend to make one mature rather swiftly.”

“We are lucky to have you.”

“And I you. Now, what are you going to do about this chap of yours?”

Patience smiled. She had an idea.