Page 11 of Dynasty of the Wicked (The Wicked Princess #1)
11
Days passed and Zhi Ruo was no closer to mastering her magic than she had been the first time. She was only able to practice during the nights when she and Feng Mian were left alone, but every time she tried, her magic was either too volatile, uncontrollable, or she could barely make it do what she wanted. She could tell Feng Mian was growing frustrated. Time was running out and she had no idea when Wyer would decide to marry her, or do something with her. Each passing day was filled with dread, her mind drenched in thoughts of what ifs .
They marched through burned villages, the aftermaths of battles won by the Kadians, and Zhi Ruo was forced to watch as they piled corpses in the center of the towns, spiking some on wooden poles and burning the rest. Some were soldiers, but most were poor farmers, civilians, women and children. She had never seen such beastly cruelty before. It haunted her to see how far into Huo lands the Kadian army invaded.
Ever since the night she had stitched Feng Mian up, she could tell there was a distance between them. She wasn’t sure if she had done something wrong, or if Feng Mian was still embarrassed that she had seen him be made into a spectacle. She wanted to broach the subject, but any time she tried, he pulled her focus back to practicing magic.
That night, the Kadians camped in one of the small villages they destroyed, the entire population decimated, and Zhi Ruo and Feng Mian were thrown into a one-roomed shed that had escaped being burned to cinders. A few guards stood stationed outside, and their only light source was slivers of moonlight slipping through the cracks in the bamboo-poled walls.
Zhi Ruo sat across from Feng Mian, her trembling, half-frozen hands warming as she tried forming a ball of shadows. Her magic sputtered at her fingers, dying off easily.
“It’s not working,” she murmured, swallowing hard.
“You’re too distracted,” Feng Mian answered with a dark scowl; she was thankful she couldn’t see the extent of his exasperation in the dimly lit room, but the space between them tensed nonetheless. He raked a hand through his silvery-white hair and blew out deeply. “All right, just focus on what you’re doing. Try to imagine the type of magic you want. It’s not that difficult, Princess. You’re not doing complicated magic like teleportation, or opening a rift, or … or something else. You just need to form a blast that can kill that bastard when you need it to.”
Zhi Ruo pursed her lips together and lowered her hands. “I know I’m not doing something grand, but this is my first time practicing with magic?—”
“Not your first time. This is probably your twentieth time at least.”
“Okay, fine. My twentieth time.” She narrowed her eyes. “I’m still a beginner. You can’t expect me to be at your level.”
“Oh, I’m not asking you to be on my level. At the pace you’re taking, that would take you decades,” he snapped.
She balled her fists together, the chains binding her wrists clanked together, a reminder of their limited time. “You don’t have to be so mean. I’m trying, Feng Mian.”
“You need to do better than just try . You saw what was out there.” An edge entered his voice and he leaned closer to her, his eyes glowing bright silver. “You saw what they did to those children. Those women. Those innocents . The longer we stay here, cooped up like pathetic prisoners, the more we will witness it, and the less likely we are to do something against them.”
The back of her eyes stung as she remembered the smell of the burning bodies, the ashes that had clouded the snow and turned it murky, the smoke that had curled over houses and villages built with decades of labor, work, and love.
“I’m not responsible for what those monsters did to our people.” Her voice was barely a whisper, and she could feel the thrum of her magic beneath her flesh, swirling like shadows. “I want to get out of here as much as you do, and I’m trying , I really am.”
“You are responsible.” He jabbed a finger in her direction, and the chains wrapped around his arms clinked together loudly, the metal rustling with the movement. “You’re the princess of this empire. You’re royalty. That automatically makes it your responsibility to care, to do something about it. Don’t just dismiss your role in all of this.”
“I …” She couldn’t speak, not with the guilt weighing down on her shoulders. She had never thought that her role was anything more than being a pawn for Father. She was just a marriage tool. She didn’t hold any real power to make a difference. “You expect too much out of me,” she finally whispered, hating the bitterness that leaked into her words. The weakness of giving up. “I was never an important princess, Feng Mian. I’ve always been ignored. How could I have done something to help in this war effort? I’m not even supposed to know how to use magic.”
“You’re using it now,” he said pointedly. There was a harshness to his tone that hadn’t been there weeks ago. “Do you think I like pinning all my hopes on you? If I could do something, if I could force us to leave, I would have broken out with you a long, long time ago. But I have no choice but to push all of this on you, so unfortunately, Princess, you have to do better.”
“I’m trying?—”
“You’re not?—”
“ Stop !” she whisper-shouted, glancing over her shoulder to the entrance of the shed, and then back to him. “I understand that I have to work hard, but you’re being too … too cruel!” Her voice wavered and she hated the wobble of her words. “I can do it?—”
He laughed, the sound harsh and mean in the dark room. “You don’t understand the extent of my magic. I can kill someone with a single touch . I can wreck battlefields with my presence alone. I could do so much here.” His words came out in a hiss. “I am so powerful, so vengeful, so wicked … but here, I am useless !”
Feng Mian slammed his fist on the floor and the chains bounced off the dirt floor loudly, and Zhi Ruo flinched back.
“We are running out of time,” he gritted out through clenched teeth, and she could feel his rage behind his barely suppressed voice. “How long will it take for the Kadians to realize that I am more valuable to them dead than as a prisoner? How long do you think before they realize that my father will never pay any price to release me?” He flexed and unflexed his fingers, his mouth hardening. “I do not have time, Princess, and you are not learning fast enough. You don’t even have the burden of my curse and yet you still flounder with magic. It is frustrating watching you fail.”
Her throat thickened with emotion. “You are being too cruel to me.”
“I am not being cruel; I am being stern when I say that you need to focus.”
“Why have you suddenly grown so … so mean when you speak to me?” Even to her own ears she sounded like a small child begging for change, and her heart tightened at the weakness she was showing. The vulnerability, the hurt that was so clear from her words alone. She had grown accustomed to having him so near, so protective of her, and seeing him put so much distance between cut her deeper than it should have. “I understand that you’re worried about your life, but don’t you see that this is hard for me too? I also don’t have the luxury of time. Wyer has already threatened to … to do unimaginable things to me if I try to escape again. I have to be perfect when we escape. I also am scared of failing, scared of not being quick enough. I’m terrified. I can’t sleep most days.” Tears threatened to spill from her stinging eyes. “This is hard for me too, Feng Mian, and I am trying my best. I would rather you be kind to me instead of further adding to my apprehension.”
If she thought her words would break down the barrier he had built between them, she was wrong, because he only turned away from her, his lips pursed together tightly.
Zhi Ruo felt her face crumple and tried to keep her tears at bay. “Say something, please.”
“Princess, we have no time,” he said, finally, quietly. “Get back to practicing.”
She sniffled and shifted her attention back to her hands; she could see his posture stiffen in her peripheral vision, but if it made him uncomfortable to know that he was the reason behind her tears, he didn’t show it. She blinked away the emotions burning the back of her eyes and tried to focus on making shadows curl over her hands, but try as she might, nothing happened. Her muddled feelings masked everything, including her motivation.
“I understand you’re terrified for your life—” she started.
He barked a laugh. “You think I’m terrified for my life? Princess, I was born to die on the battlefield. I am a monster, true and bred, and my curse will end me soon, but I would rather die in battle, killing as many Kadian scum as possible, than die like a bound animal for slaughter.”
“Then what are you so angry for?” She glared at him. “Why are you so full of rage and hatred if you truly don’t care for your life? If you wanted to die with as many Kadians as possible, you would have fought tooth and nail while we tried escaping last time. You would have kept fighting until you took down as many of them as you could, but you stopped . So forgive me if I don’t believe you when you say you’re not scared of dying. But that begs the question, why are you so angry? Why are you so cruel to me? You think I don’t notice the distance you’re putting between us?”
“I stopped because of you ,” he growled. “I couldn’t let them have you.”
“If you feel that way, then why are you so cruel to me?”
“I am not cruel?—”
“You are!” Zhi Ruo’s eyes filled with tears once more, and this time she didn’t stop them from cascading down her cheeks. “You are cruel to me when you stop turning in my direction. When you stop asking if I am well. When you act like my touch is poison to you.” She swallowed down the emotions clawing up her throat, making it hard to speak coherently. “You have pushed me to be better, over and over, and I am trying, Feng Mian, I truly am. But when you call me a failure, I can’t … I can’t keep doing this?—”
“Stop pretending you are a weak, gullible princess.” He leaned closer, his face inches away from her. “You are not weak, Princess.”
“I am not weak,” she agreed through her tears, “but I wish for you to be soft with me. It is … the least you can do.”
“You don’t need softness ,” Feng Mian snarled, as if the word itself was nonsense. “And if you think you can get it from me, you are sorely mistaken. I am a warrior, Princess, a monster bred to kill . There is no softness in me.”
“I have gone my whole life with everyone being cruel and harsh and cold with me, but you have shown me kindness … You have shown me care .” Zhi Ruo hated how pathetic she sounded, how desperate she was for his attention, for his love. She needed him, of all people, to be soft with her. To be understanding, caring, even.
He grimaced backward, his eyebrows pulling together. “Have you been so starved of love that you look for it in places it doesn’t exist?”
Something within her cracked at those words, and shame and embarrassment filled her chest until it was overfilling. Her shoulders hunched together, and she wanted to curl into a ball and disappear. She was so foolish to think that … they meant anything. She was not an easy person to love; she had been taught that over and over again throughout her life, so why did she foolishly think that this would be different? No, she had prepared herself mentally for this, and yet her foolish heart had yearned for more with him. He was right; there had been no love in his heart for her, and yet … she’d looked for signs that weren’t there.
“I … I know you don’t love me.” Her throat closed up and she sniffed, opened her mouth, and then clamped it shut again. The words wouldn’t come out, not from the cracks forming in her heart. She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms. “I know that. I’m stupid, and, and I’m so difficult to love. I don’t think anybody can love me. I know that, I do, but I thought … I stupidly thought that you felt something toward me. Even … even a small amount of care. I’m not easy to be around, I’m wicked, I’m … I’m hideous in every way, I know that. All I wanted was for you to continue to be kind to me. I know you can’t love me, I know I’m just, I’m just Princess Zhi Ruo, the disappointment of my family, but I thought—I thought we were similar.”
“Princess—” His voice grew soft, but she couldn’t be fooled by it with how he had reacted earlier.
“I thought we were similar,” she repeated, choking back her sobs. “I know my father has abandoned me; I know it. He never loved me, and I’m nothing to him, and I’ve known deep in my heart that he abandoned me long ago, even before I was imprisoned here. And I know your father is the same—he abandoned you too. And I thought … I thought that meant something, but I know now that you’re more than I will ever be. You are … special. You clawed your way out, you worked hard to be something, while I did nothing but wallow in pity and wait for my fate. We’re too different; I don’t know why I thought?—”
Feng Mian took her face in his hands, his thumbs brushing over the tears on her cheeks. He was so close to her, his expression unreadable, but the harsh lines of his face had softened. “Stop,” he said, so quietly she almost didn’t hear it. “Why do you speak like you are nothing ? Why do you have such a low opinion of yourself?”
She couldn’t speak, more tears welling in her eyes. She hated showing him this pathetic side of her.
“You are worthy of love,” Feng Mian said, his hold on her tightening. “Who made you think that you are difficult to love?”
Silence filled the space between them.
“I realized during our captivity that you are not wicked, nor are you anything like your reputation says. You are soft, and sweet, and kind, Princess. You weep for others. You try to be good. You love people, despite what they have done to you. You are … foolish like that. Foolish to think that people deserve another chance. You are too good for me.” His shoulders dropped, and so did his voice. “You are … pure. I have tried so hard to keep myself away from you, to stop corrupting you with my filth, with my evil. You’re right, we’re similar, but we are also different. I will always hate my father, your father, and this entire empire. I have so much hatred in my heart that I can never sleep peacefully while knowing my enemies breathe. But you … you are too sweet, Princess. You would rather forgive than burn them. And I can’t be the reason you ruin yourself. The reason you lower yourself to my level.”
Zhi Ruo stared at him, unable to rip her gaze away. There was a deep sadness swirling in the dark, silvery depths of his eyes. His face was tight, hard, like he was trying very hard to keep himself in check. Even his body was tense and stiff.
She could barely register the words he spoke. She wasn’t good, nor sweet, nor … anything like he painted her out to be.
“I’m … I’m not too good for you,” she said at last. “I’ve never been good enough?—”
“Stop with those poisoned lies .” He tilted her face toward him, his unseeing eyes boring into her. “You have been lied to your whole life. You have always been better than everyone else, Zhi Ruo .”
Hearing her name on his lips sent a jolt through her heart, something warming in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to cry at his words, to weep into his arms. She couldn’t believe in him completely, but just knowing that he thought so highly of her … It broke her heart even more. The shards dug deep into her chest.
“But you told me … you told me I am unworthy of my father’s court,” she murmured those painful words.
“You are unworthy of that terrible, nasty place,” he said. “You are worth much more than that.”
“You’re confusing me,” Zhi Ruo said. “First you say that I am looking for love in places it doesn’t exist, and now you are telling me that you don’t wish to corrupt me? Are you afraid to love me?”
Feng Mian was quiet for a while, his hands still framing her face, his breath warm against her skin
“I am afraid of you—what you do to me,” he finally said, and a hint of vulnerability leaked through. He dropped his hands from her face, letting them fall onto his lap. “I cannot love anyone, Princess. I have always been a monster.”
Zhi Ruo continued to stare at him. They were both foolish, she realized. She had been in love with him since the moment she saw him; she had been drawn to his beauty, his protectiveness over her. And he was too afraid to even think of loving her. She craved love, and she doubted she could find it in someone so unwilling to face the emotion. And he … he craved her, but he thought he couldn’t have her, that he didn’t deserve her.
She did something she wouldn’t have thought to do before, but that felt right at that exact moment: she leaned over and kissed him, hard, on the mouth. She closed her eyes, moving her lips against his. It was rough, it was … emotional.
He stiffened beneath her touch, but it only lasted a second. His hands went straight to her hips, squeezing, feeling. She moaned against him, kissing him harder, and turning her head to deepen it. It felt right, with him. He yanked her onto his lap and her legs wrapped around his waist easily. The chains clattered around them, weighing them down and interfering with their fervent touches.
“I don’t wish to corrupt you, Princess,” he groaned, pulling away from their kiss. His hands roamed her back and he pressed his forehead against hers. “I am too wicked for you.”
“You are perfect for me,” she whispered back, grasping his face in her hands. “Even monsters can love, Feng Mian.”
He kissed her again, and she wasn’t sure which of them was the monster; her, as the wicked princess, or him, as the ruthless warrior? It didn’t really matter, either, because she loved him recklessly. The kind of love that had grown too rapidly for her to keep up with. Even if he was the most heartless man in the world, the most vicious, the worst of the worst—it was too late, because she was in love.
His lips brushed over the column of her throat and she suppressed a shiver as she threw her head back, his kisses descending toward her chest. He cupped one of her breasts in his hand, his fingers teasing the torn material of her dress.
“You feel so fucking perfect,” he murmured between kisses.
He tore the cloak off her body in one fluid motion. The winter coldness seeped into her skin and she shivered beneath his touch.
She wanted to beg him to keep kissing her, to keep loving her, but the door to the shed snapped open so hard it slammed against the wall. Debris powdered over them from the thatched roof. They both flinched, attention jerking to the door.
Wyer stood at the threshold, a sneer on his face, and his eyes blazing with rage.
“What the hell are you two doing ?” he snarled.