Page 90 of Dukes All Night Long

“But it has. We’re different people than we were back then. I was terribly naive. When I think back on how sure I was that we would live happily ever after, for better or worse, I want to kick myself.”

He hung his head. “Yes, I suppose that’s true.

I’ve not been the same since I last saw your beautiful smile.

There have been many moments when I wished I could forget you altogether, just for relief from this never-ending heartbreak.

Other times, I bask in the memories—albeit few—that we made together. ”

She smiled, remembering the first time she’d set eyes upon him at Lady Miller’s ball.

It had been her introductory season and she’d not been entirely certain if she even wanted a husband.

But the moment she looked into Lucian’s eyes, she’d changed.

Something in his gaze touched her to the very core of her being.

It was as if she were suddenly in another woman’s body.

One with desires and thoughts that would have made her blush just the week before.

But somehow, with Lucian, it felt natural to imagine being in his bed, letting him do all the things men did to the women they loved.

She hadn’t been entirely sure what those were back then, but she’d trusted him implicitly with her heart and body.

“Do you remember our first kiss?” Lucian asked.

She flushed. How could she forget the stolen moment in the moonlit garden the night of Lady Miller’s ball?

She’d gone out under the guise of fresh air but had actually hoped he would follow her.

Before that, they’d danced the supper dance and then he’d escorted her into the dining hall.

She couldn’t believe her luck to be seated next to him.

It had been as if she’d known him all her life.

Their conversation had flowed, covering their interests and hobbies.

She’d shared with him her apprehension about marriage because of her parents’ fraught union.

He’d told her of his father’s pressure for him to marry and provide an heir.

She’d barely touched her dinner, hanging on his every word.

From that moment on, they had their own world that no one else could penetrate.

“I plan on marrying you, Lady Arabella,” he’d whispered in her ear, his breath warm against her bare skin. “And right now, I am going to kiss you in a way that I hope will make you so sure of me that thoughts of any other shall never enter your mind.”

He’d done exactly what he’d promised. Despite the number of men she’d shared intimacies with since then, it was Lucian she longed for. Sometimes, in a blue moon, she even let herself imagine it was him she was with.

Even so, she’d managed to move on with her life despite the permanent ache in her heart left by the man sitting across from her. But now, faced with his confession, she wasn’t sure what to think. Dare she hope for a reconciliation?

“You think this entire party was planned so that you and I would speak?” Arabella asked.

“Why else would she lock us in here and give us that clue?” Lucian shook his head, chuckling under his breath.

“Lady Bellamy is a wicked woman. Interfering. Manipulative. Yet well-intentioned. She saw firsthand how utterly wrecked I was without you. Once I found out I was not dying, all I could think was getting back to you and somehow convincing you to give me another chance.”

“When you discovered I was widowed, why did you not call upon me? Why not tell me the truth then?”

“Hearing that you’d wed another created such insecurity in my soul. I could not bring myself to dream. Thus, I returned to Italy, where I spent time painting the Mediterranean Sea. I’ve grown quite accomplished. Every stroke has been an attempt to distract myself from thoughts of you.”

“I have called upon distractions myself.”

“With lovers?” His jaw tightened. “I cannot bear to think of it.”

“Not only with men. Parties, friendships, traveling, reading. I’ve kept a breakneck speed so that I could keep from thinking of you.”

“Did it work?”

“God no.”

“Neither did the painting. Instead of forgetting, I found reminders in every hue of the sea, every scent carried in the sea breezes. I thought of you, wished I could show it all to you and watch your eyes light up the way they do when you’re happy or see something beautiful.

I have died a thousand deaths since last we met. ”

“You should have come to me and told me what really happened,” she said.

“I had not the courage. I am ashamed to admit it, but nonetheless, that’s the truth. If you were cruel or rejected me, I would not have survived it.” He raised a brow as he folded his hands in his lap. “Perhaps Lady Bellamy knew it would take something drastic for us to talk.”

“Like locking us in a room?” Arabella smiled, tucking a stray bit of hair behind her ear.

“Indeed. Which begs the question, what have you kept from me? The note clearly says we both have things to confess to each other.”

She sat for a moment, thoughts tumbling about, unable to land on anything coherent.

What was she to tell him? Finally, it occurred to her.

She must confess the real reason she had married Lord Kingsley.

He had been hurt by her hasty marriage to a man sixty years her senior.

But if she told him the real reason, he would understand.

“I shall tell you why I married Lord Kingsley so soon after you left me, should you like to hear it.”

“I would.” The pain in his eyes gave her pause. All this time she’d thought he hadn’t cared, when in truth, he’d done what he thought was best for her. He had not wanted his young wife saddled with a dying man. Strangely enough, she’d married exactly that.

“When you did not show that afternoon, as my mother and I thought you would, she admitted to me that my father had left us destitute—drowning in debts. If I hadn’t wed a wealthy man, we would have lost everything.”

“But you had a dowry, didn’t you?” Lucian asked. “That was my understanding.”

“I thought I did. Until the day I received your note. That was when my mother broke down and finally told me everything.”

“She lied to you?”

“In her defense, it was not until my father’s death, just months before my first season, that she had discovered how bad it was.

The only thing that would save her and my sister was for me to marry someone of means.

She’d assumed you were so in love with me that you would not care when you discovered my lack of dowry.

In fact, she’d planned to tell you I had nothing to bring to the marriage when you asked her for my hand.

When you did not show, she assumed you’d caught wind of the truth and decided not to pursue me. ”

“I wouldn’t have cared about the lack of a dowry. That I can say with complete certainty. It was not money that I needed. It was you.”

She fought back tears, breathing deeply in and out to steady herself.

“All this to say—that’s why I married Lord Kingsley.

He and my grandfather had been friends in their youth, and he’d stayed in touch with my family.

My mother went to him after your disappearance and asked for a loan.

Between them, they made a deal. He would wipe away all our debt and leave his fortune to me when he died. In exchange for my hand.”

“And you took the deal?”

“We did. When Mother presented the hard facts to me, it seemed like the only solution. After you left, I was broken. The only thing I cared about was making sure my mother and sister would be all right. Thus, I agreed without hesitation. We were not in love by any stretch, but he was a lonely old man in poor health, and I was willing to be the companion he needed for the last years of his life. He offered a way out, and we took it. And he was very good to me and to my family. I took care of him for the two years we were together and came to love him in a way. Not the way I loved you, of course. But in the way I loved my grandfather. He was a friend. One who needed me in the last, sickly days of his life. He rewarded me for my loyalty, as he promised he would. I am very rich now. My mother’s taken care of.

My little sister’s married to a rich baron and has three children already. All is well.”

His eyes were soft and sympathetic. “I didn’t know about your financial situation. If I’d known, I could have helped.”

“If I’d known how dire it was when we fell in love, I would have told you everything. Even if it meant losing you. But as it turned out, that wasn’t necessary. I lost you anyway.”

“Could you find me again?” Lucian’s stormy eyes darkened, his gaze unwavering. What was it that he wanted? He was not angry. Perhaps regretful. And something deeper and more dangerous. He wanted her.

She should turn away. How had their passion been dormant for all this time, only to reawaken in an instant?

But she didn’t turn away. She met his gaze, her fingers digging into the arms of her chair.

Abruptly, he leapt to his feet and stepped around the table. And then, he was before her. Standing over her, so close she had to tip her chin to hold his gaze. The firelight caught in his eyes, and she saw him fighting his instincts. But she didn’t want him to. She was tired of fighting.

His hands curled at his sides, as if holding back from touching her required all his restraint. “Say the word. Tell me to walk away, Arabella.”

She couldn’t have spoken even if she’d wanted to.

He fell to his knees before her. One hand found the carved wooden armrest of her chair. The other braced against the high back, boxing her in but not touching her. He leaned in, his breath warm against her cheek, his voice low, dangerous.

“You’ve driven me mad in less than an hour,” Lucian said.

Her breath caught. Her fingers twitched against the arms of the chair.

“Does this please you?” His breath was ragged, as if he had just run a great distance, yet he remained exactly where he was.