Page 106 of Dual

My life has been one raw nerve. Except the connections to my brain got severed somewhere along the way. Horrific things stopped equating to pain. I could watch a man bleed out in front of me and feel nothing but mild curiosity. I could hold a knife to a child's throat and feel nothing but the cold calculation of leverage.

But in these brief, precious moments, Donny gives me the gift of reconnecting to my body in his ruthless, safe, crushing grip. He brings me back to myself, back to humanity, back to the land of the living.

His thumb massages my pulse point lovingly before he begins to squeeze and take my air again, the counterpoint of gentleness, making the violence all the more stark and meaningful.

I give in to all he has to give me.

With sex this intense, there's no other choice. It's like a car crash. You have to go loose to survive it.

Donny's never taken it this far, and it was cruel and selfish of me to push him here. To make him reveal the parts of himself he keeps hidden, the parts he hates and fears. To make him act out the violent fantasies that plague his dreams,the ones he wakes from, sweating and shaking and disgusted with himself.

But I can't regret it, even as stars dance in front of my eyes again. Even as my lungs scream for air. Even as the pain threatens to tear me apart.

Donny palms my cunt in a brutal grip, shoving all four fingers in and out as he takes my ass and strangles me, every hole filled. Every part of me claimed. Every inch of me possessed.

I come as stars dance in my vision, and I lift off to the ether, entire body spasming like I've just been shot through with a live wire of electricity. My consciousness fragments, splitting apart and reassembling, death and rebirth in the span of a heartbeat.

"I fucking hate you!" Domhnall screams as he slides the hand that was at my neck down to crush my breast, the words tearing from his throat.

He fucks my ass even harder while my body continues spasming, bright light pouring through me. I feel him slam his hips against my buttocks and the hot spray of his cum deep inside me, marking me, claiming me, ruining me.

We both collapse to the floor, bodies still connected, both breathing hard like we've just run a marathon. I relish in the cathartic release of endorphins, floating in the aftermath, my mind blissfully empty for once, no thoughts, no schemes, no fears.

But apparently Donny doesn't feel the same way.

Because moments later, he's crawling away from me andgrasping the edge of the couch to get to his feet. His legs tremble, his breath comes in ragged pants, but his eyes---his eyes are the worst. They're empty. Hollow. Like I've carved something vital out of him.

He drags a hand down his face, then reaches down to pull up his pants that he never even kicked off all the way in his brutish fervor. He buttons and zips them silently, still not looking at me.

"Donny..." I try, my voice strange and small, but he just shakes his head once, a harsh, sharp gesture. Still refusing to look at me.

"You should leave."

The words land like a physical blow, knocking the air from my lungs.

"What?" I gasp, blinking and trying to gather myself together. Difficult after being fucked so thoroughly, after having my circuits blown, after surrendering so completely.

"Leave," he says, voice icy as he looks down at me like he doesn't know me. Like I'm a stranger who wandered into his home. Like I'm something alien and dangerous that he needs to excise from his life.

This is what you wanted, you stupid bitch.

"But Donny---" My voice breaks, and for once, I can't keep the desperation from bleeding through. I'm desperate to take back what I've just done. Fuck it being necessary. I'll find another way. Any other way except him hating me. Rejecting me. He's the only one who ever loved me and I can't--- "That was just fucking," I sputter. "It didn't mean---"

"Yes, it did." His voice is flat now, emotionless. "You and Anna both---" He sucks in a breath, disgust crossing his face as his arms lift to his head in a gesture of helplessness. "You're fucking toxic. You're everything I've been running from me whole fecking life!"

He turns away and sweeps all the dishes off the table with enough force that they hit the wall, shattering in a cacophony of breaking ceramic and glass. The sound is violent, chaotic, a perfect external manifestation of what's happening inside us both.

I don't jump back.

I just give him an icy glare, drawing my armor back around me piece by piece. This is what I wanted, isn't it? To push him away? To make him hate me? To keep him safe?

Fuck my moment of fucking weakness, then.

"Fine," I say, turning on my heel and stalking to the bedroom to pack a bag. My eyes are dry, wires disconnected again now that I'm back to being my normal self. Somewhere, I know there's pain again. Pain like always. Pain that I even intended.

I pushed him here on purpose.

The further he is away from me, the safer he is.