Page 58 of Dozer (Rolling Thunder MC #14)
Chapter 58
Daisy
I didn’t realize I was keeping myself nonstop busy until I ran out of things to do.
And then I started missing Dozer even though I was mad at him. Truth be told, I was mad because he’d hurt me, and I wasn’t sure how to get past it.
Champ was awesome, though. A few days after we got him, people came and fenced in part of the backyard, and then I could play with him when he wasn’t on the leash. I still walked him on the leash a lot, though, because it’s apparently important to get them used to it when they’re small enough to still handle, before they get big. There are some odd little trails in the woods, and we walked them during the day, but it’s too creepy outside at night for that. At night, it feels like a forbidden forest, with the moonlight making sinister shadows, and the trees seem alive. Not just alive, which of course they are, but sentient.
So, I just walked him ten feet outside the door at night for him to do his business. I hated having to go outside at night without Dozer. I know the neighborhood is supposed to be safe, but I grew up in a city and it’s just woods back there. More than woods. Forest . And, I can’t say this enough, a forbidden forest. Was that because I knew there might be werewolves and other animals who were monsters running around in it? Was it my imagination running away? Probably, but still, I just walked Champ right outside the back door at night.
I wished Champ could sleep with me, but I had to watch him every second he was out of his crate, or he ate stuff. And by stuff, I mean he ate a pillow when I went to the bathroom. I came back and there was fluff everywhere . Including in his mouth. He also chomped on a leg of a table in the game room downstairs. Oops . I bought baby gates, so he had to stay in the room I was in. I could close the door when I was in the bedroom, but that didn’t work when I was downstairs, or in the kitchen, or in the living room.
I was only supposed to weigh four times a week, but I weighed every damned day, and I noted it in my spreadsheet. It was online now, and I wondered if he was keeping track of it. Without Dozer around to feed me, I forgot to eat a lot, and my weight went below what’s acceptable. I wore shorts that were supposed to be snug, and they were loose, so I decided maybe I should fix myself some bacon and eggs, but his bacon tastes so much better. It isn’t bad when I cook it, and he’s showed me how to do it like him, but it still tastes better when he cooks it.
Dozer texted me on Tuesday and told me he’d be going out of town for a week, leaving early the next morning, and asked if I could meet him for dinner at this little bistro place I’d mentioned wanting to try out, but he’d said he didn’t do frou-frou food. It hadn’t been a big deal, because we’d gone somewhere nice and it’d been fine, but I guess he thought this would add to the apology.
But the thing is, I didn’t want to be the one making the decisions. I liked the way Dozer took control.
They won’t feed you enough. Plus, I don’t want to have to deal with parking downtown. I’ll meet you at Golden Corral at six.
I looked at my phone nearly four minutes, and he didn’t respond. I set it to the side, and two minutes later, it dinged, and I leaned sideways to look at it.
Okay. I miss you.
Had he asked someone whether to insist, or had he stared at his phone and worked it out for himself? I had no way of knowing.
Matty, Angelica, Harmony, Gen, and Gabby had all texted me to see if I was okay. Gen had even told me we could have an ol’ladies only (plus Bethany) party at Bethany’s house, so I could hang out with them without having to go to the clubhouse. I thanked her and told her I might take her up on it later, but I needed time to sort through everything on my own. When she insisted, I told her I didn’t want to leave Champ that long yet.
She hadn’t been there, but I knew Matty would’ve told them the gist of what happened. Harmony and Angelica probably hadn’t, but Matty wouldn’t be able to help himself — not because he’s malicious, he’d just need to talk about stuff.
I wasn’t sure if I was relieved I had at least a week before Dozer returned, or disappointed he’d be gone a whole ’nother week. I contemplated my feelings on the way to the restaurant and still didn’t have an answer when I arrived, but I saw him climb off his bike, and I suddenly missed him so bad my heart hurt.
I was still mad, and hurt, but I fucking missed him, so I was going to figure out how to get past it.
He opened the door for me, and paid for both of us. Part of me wanted to pay for my own food, which was stupid since I’d have been using money he gave me to pay for it.
We got our food, and I sat down with mine before he was finished stacking his plates. I started the conversation before he had a chance, before he even sat his ass in the chair.
“I’m going to get over this. I am. I haven’t figured out how yet, but I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, but I also have to figure out how to deal with what feels like a breach of trust.”
“Thanks for saying that right off the bat. I know it doesn’t mean everything’s okay, but it tells me you intend for us to get there, and that’s a huge load off my heart. I love you more than I can possibly say, and I’m so sorry I only saw it from my point of view, and not yours. I should’ve talked to Marco the evening of our wedding day to set up the first available time he had once it was safe to move around with you.”
“Yes, you should’ve.” It came out short and maybe a little rude, which wasn’t my intention. I’d just meant to agree with him.
He grinned. “Should I call myself an insensitive asshole, so you can agree with me some more?”
I rolled my eyes. “We have new living room furniture. Well, we don’t yet, but we will soon. I decided not to make any decisions about painting the walls until you’re home and we can decide those things together, but I think I want to pull one of the colors from the sofa out, lighten it a touch, and put it on two of the walls.”
I pulled my phone out, went to the pic I’d taken of the showroom, and handed him my phone.
“Nice. I like this way more than what we have now. Is this the only room you want to change?”
I shrugged. “You bought nice furniture, mostly, but you need more stuff on the walls, so maybe we can go to some galleries and figure out what kind of artwork appeals to both of us? I could find some Harley art for your game room. Since you have the green forest thing going in the bedroom, maybe some forest scenes, or perhaps waterfalls, for the bedroom? I have no idea about the living room, maybe some kind of mirror art, or original art of the city and surrounding mountains.”
“Okay, yes, sounds like a date. Matty can point us where to go for local artists. I’ve heard him talk about clients who want to support local talent, and helping them find the right artist and the right piece. If you talk to him and he points you to something you really like, text me a picture of it on the secured app. I won’t have my phone while I’m gone, but I’ll have access to the app from a burner, so we’ll be able to talk, text, and even video chat while I’m gone, if you want. I’ll be pretty busy, but I’ll have some downtime where I can talk. Might only be while I’m eating the first couple of days, and it might be a few hours after you text before I see it, but I’ll get back to you when I can.”
“Yeah, it’ll be nice to talk to you a little while you’re gone. Thanks for giving me the time I asked for.”
“I fucked up. You know how crucial I view honesty and trust. We have to move past this, and if you need some time to figure shit out, you have it. I mean, not forever, because you need to make a decision at some point, but it sounds like you have. I can’t think of anything I can do to undo my fuckup. If we were men, I’d let you beat the shit out of me, but that isn’t your thing.”
“No, I don’t want to beat you up, though if you’d made the offer right after I found out, I might’ve considered it — right up until the point I remember there’s probably no way for me to hurt you. I mean, I guess I could take a hammer to your balls, but I don’t want to do that, so…” Fuck . I should stop just saying whatever comes to mind.
He tilted his head, dead serious, and not angry. “If you think it’ll help, I’ll allow one strike, but only if it’ll clean our slate. I can change and heal, so it isn’t like you’ll do permanent damage. Me sitting on concrete with my legs spread, twine wrapped around the top of my ball sac and pulled away from me, so my balls will be an easy target. One strike, wait ten minutes until I can change , and then we’re okay again? Yeah. I’d agree to that in a heartbeat. Fuck , I’d agree to two strikes, so you can hammer both balls and not just one, if it’ll wipe the slate.”
All I could do was stare at him. Part of me wanted to agree to it, just to see if he was bluffing, but I knew in my heart he wasn’t. He wouldn’t offer this if he didn’t mean it.
“Hurting you won’t erase the hurt I feel, and this isn’t a tit-for-tat thing.” I shook my head. “I don’t want to hurt you, and especially not like that. I don’t have much more to tell you, since I think you’re all caught up on my life since the last time we saw each other. Champ is great. I had no idea how much work a new puppy would be, but I love him, so it’s okay. I’ve managed to read a couple of books while he slept, mostly while taking long baths. We have three less bottles of wine now, but…” I smiled. “What have you been up to?”
“Working, mostly. I asked for extra shifts, so I’ll be able to take off and spend more time with you, if you decide you want me back in your life. Some days I’ve worked sixteen-hour shifts and barely had time to sleep. I hung out in the clubhouse one night a little, but it hurt, not having you on the other side of the room creating havoc with the other ol’ladies, so I went downstairs, changed , and slept as the wolf.”
And that reminded me of something. “I still want to see your wolf.”
“And we’ll make that happen, whenever you’re ready.”
I was ready now, but he was about to go out of town, and no way was I going to invite him home and then have him leave for a week. Also, I wasn’t sure I was ready to be okay with sex just yet. At least, not the kind of sex Dozer usually demands.
And, truth be told, I wouldn’t want him any other way. He’s Master while he’s fucking me, and it would be all wrong for me to have any kind of control over the situation.
“When we say goodbye, can you give me, like, a peck on the lips? A kiss, but not a kiss . Not like we need to go get a room.” This wasn’t coming out right, but I didn’t want to just say goodbye from a distance.
“Throw a hug in, and you have yourself a deal.”
“I don’t want everything to be a deal long-term, but I think it probably works for tonight because I don’t want you to leave without us touching at all.” And if he wasn’t leaving, there’s a good chance I’d invite him back tonight, but then we’d have two awkward coming home things, and one was going to be bad enough.
And maybe it was better if we had time to text and talk over video for a week, before he came home.
“Gen invited me to Bethany’s for a party thing with the ol’ladies. I think I might want to take her up on it.”
“Yes, you should go. The club is your family, even when you and I aren’t seeing eye-to-eye. Our family, Daisy. Use them as your support system.”
When it was time to go, we hugged, did the quick-kiss thing, and then he put me into the Ramcharger, leaned in to kiss my cheek, and told me, “I love you. Stay safe, make good choices, and let the other ol’ladies be there for you.”
“I love you, too. I’m mad at you, but I have to get past it. Whatever you’ll be doing for the club, stay safe. I’ll be really mad at you if you never come back.”
“There shouldn’t be any life-threatening danger on this trip. It’s something we do every year and a half or so, and we’ve gotten pretty good at it. I’ll talk to you soon, and see you in about a week.”