Page 3 of Double Down

In for four.

Hold.

Out for six.

It doesn’t work.

I can’t be in the room with her. The air in there is too heavy; it sticks to my teeth like a film.

I’m really fucking strong. I always have been. It’s a point of pride with me—keep your chin up, Phoenix, no point in crying over shit you can’t fix.Push through, because sitting in it doesn’t solve anything, you know? That voice is muscle memory—do the next thing, don’t look down.

The only time I’ve ever felt even a little bit broken or defeated has been now, with all this crap with my dad and his debt to the mob. A debt I shouldn’t have to carry.

Cracks spider under the paint, and the foundation under my feet is trembling with uncertainty. But I keep standing, faking my belief that everything will be okay.

But this…the way they’re looking at her, like she’s just a thing, or a puzzle that needs to be solved, or an inconvenience that’s disrupting their day makes my skin crawl, and I’m simply not strong enough to bear it.

I want someone to cover her.

I want to get away from her.

Because all I can think about is that it should be me.

Is that how it would be if it were me lying on that table? The same cool, clinical detachment while they discuss what’s happened?

Clipboard questions. Photos. My name turned into evidence.

I practically run to the living room and take a seat on the large sectional with my legs tucked under me and a pillow pressed against my chest. My eyes close while I listen.

Just because I can’t watch them doesn’t mean I can’t hear them. It makes me sick, but I need to know what they’re saying.

There is a tiny part of me, just a little voice in the back of my head that I try to ignore, that’s relieved.

Not that Sarah is dead. Well, not exactly. Relief and shame scrape together in my throat like they’re the same thing.

She can’t hurt them if she is dead. No whispered lies. No smiling at them for too long, pretending she’s going to end up the next Mrs. Titan-Wynn.

She can’t be a problem for me anymore. She can’t try to take them if she’s gone. The thought flashes mean and ugly, and I flinch from it. But it’s the truth. I know that the plan is to leave when this is all over, but every single moment with them makes me want to stay.

More than that. They were with me the entire night and morning… They left this room moments after I did. There is no way that they did this. Does that mean they didn’t kill any of the others, either?

Could Sarah’s last moments actually serve to prove, even if only to me, that the Titans aren't responsible for the other missing staff members?

This is by far the most useful thing she has ever done…

I push those thoughts aside, refusing to be so callous.

I am not that girl. I won’t be.

Sarah was a person. A woman caught up in this web of bullshit because of me, just like the Titans.

Actions stick to people; mine stuck to her and may have caused her death.

Every fiber of my being tells me to stay put, not to go back in there. Let them handle this. It’s their world.

They are stronger.

They can handle it.