Page 47 of Dismantle & Prevail

“I would usually take offense to that, but I will spare you today. If you need anything else, let me know?”

Zena waves me off. “Go. You’ve helped enough, Tay. Just make sure you come out in time for dinner.”

I flash her a smile and before I realize what I’m doing; I find myself making my way to the swings in the back of the compound.

The snow crunches under my boots, and I wrap my arms around myself as the cold December air sends a shiver down my spine.

I should grab a jacket, but the beauty of what sits in front of me outweighs the need to be warm.

The sun shines through the bare trees, reflecting off the snow covered ground. It’s silent and utterly peaceful.

A small gust of wind causes the swings to sway, and I want nothing more than to capture the beauty and bottle it up.

Using my sleeve covered hand, I wipe the snow off the swing and take a seat, the cold plastic making me regret my decision for a brief second.

That feeling is quickly forgotten when I tilt my head up the sky, allowing the sun to warm my face as my mind drifts to the moment when I sat on these swings almost two years ago. I have done nothing but work on myself to prove I wasn’t a waste of space or pawn in a scheme that I wanted no part of.

The time I sat next to Ari on these exact swings feels like it was a lifetime ago while simultaneously feeling like it was just yesterday.

I was in a dark place that day on the swings after finally allowing myself to sit down and realize how much my past had shaped me to be the person I was.

I am nowhere near healed, but I know with every fiber of my being that conversation with Ari changed the trajectory of how I let my past affect me. It was hard, but with his constant checking in and encouragement through very unconventional ways of telling me not to give up and revert back to my old ways, I find myself sitting here close to being happy with the woman I’ve become.

A rabbit races across the field, and my chest tightens.

Ari sat here and told me the story of someone he lost who turned out to be his daughter. A loss so great that I can’t even begin to fathom how heartbreaking it would be.

He sat with his never ending grief and led a team to save so many individuals that are still here with us today.

His strength is indescribable and incredibly admirable.

I allow myself to think back on every mission, every time he was there to talk about nothing and everything, every time he woke up from a nightmare and didn’t shy away from pulling me to his chest.

Ari is the definition of understanding his emotions and dealing with them in a mature way that isn’t seen often.

And for the first time, I allow myself to admit that is a quality I want in someone standing by my side, going through this crazy life with me.

But can I admit that now? All he did was kiss me.

All he did was kiss me and I’m here rethinking everything from the past two years.

He didn’t just kiss you. He wore his heart on his sleeve and showed you the deepest parts of his soul, knowing he was taking a risk that you wouldn’t feel the same.

My head falls forward, my eyes falling closed as every wheel turns in my head at maximum speed.

Dammit Ari. Why did you have to go and turn my brain into mush?

A gust of wind whips through the yard and a shiver rackets my entire body, but I don’t care. I will stay out here all damn day if it means that I can get a tiny ounce of clarity or sign of what to do with the inner war going on inside my head.

Something heavy hits my shoulder, dragging me out of mind, and my head snaps up.

Another gust of wind sends my hair flying in my face and I quickly swipe it away, my head whipping around to see who snuck up on me.

My chest deflates as I see Ari standing behind me, placing a jacket over my shoulders.

“You looked cold,” he says as he situates the oversized jacket before taking a seat at the swing next to mine.

“Thanks.” My voice is low and full of a rare hint of nervousness.