Page 67 of Dirty News

One would think with all that vomiting that I would’ve lost weight. I might have if I hadn’t been starving all the time. I ate and ate, threw up, and then ate some more. I couldn’t ever really get full. So, I gained more weight than the doctor said Ishould’ve.

Angry red stretchmarks covered my enormous stomach, and the backs of my thighs had gotten pretty big, too. I didn’t look a thing like myself. One day, I had been very hot all day long. I went to the hair stylist at work and told her to cut it all off. I wanted the shortest haircut I could get awaywith.

Duke’s reaction was one of complete shock when he arrived on the set of our morning news show and saw what I’d done. His expression was priceless, but he never said a bad word about what I’d done to myself. He merely commented on how gorgeous I looked with the new cut and told me what a bold choice I’dmade.

The mirror told me it was a terrible mistake. But the months passed, and it had grown out some. I was hopeful I’d have my long locks back in a year or so. Stupid hormones had me making all kinds of dumbdecisions.

Another contraction came, and one of the twins did a tap dance on my spine. “Ow!Damn!”

“What?” Duke asked with concern. “What is it,baby?”

“One of your sadistic little kids just stomped the shit out of my spine, that’s what’s wrong, Duke. And don’t call me baby. Sweet words won’t get you back into my pants ever again. Sex is over for me. Forever!” I meant ittoo.

Duke smiled as he must’ve thought I was kidding. But I wasn’t kidding at all. If this is what sex does to you, then I wanted no part of it any more. Not even protected sex. I didn’t trust anything to keep me from having to endure this torture again, exceptabstinence.

The doctor came in to check me. An excruciating process that involved her sticking what felt like her entire hand up my cootch. “Ow!” I let her know thathurt.

She ignored me. “So, we’re at a nine now. It’ll besoon.”

“We’reat a nine?” I asked her as I was the only one who was splitting open in thatroom.

Duke gripped my shoulder. “No need to be mean to the good doctor, sweetie. She’s just trying to include me in onthis.”

The doctor nodded then went to talk to the nurses—about what, I didn’t know. How to torture me further, I’msure.

I looked at Duke with pure hatred. “Include you in on this?” I shook my head. “It’s not you who’s gained enough weight to resemble a beached whale. It’s not you who’s cried for no reason at all for months. It’s not you who’s tearing apart to bring these little creatures into this world.” Another contraction stopped me, and I just screamed through the wholething.

I’d picked the absolute worst day to go into labor. There was a storm raging outside, and every damn pregnant woman in the city of New York seemed to be in labor at that exact same hospital. That was the reason behind the anesthesiologist running behind and not giving me my epidural yet. Apparently, every woman in the damn place was begging for one. I must be the last one on the list as he hadn’t gotten to meyet.

And just as I thought my doctor would make him come and hook me up, she blew my world completely apart, “So, there’s not going to be time for an epidural,Lila.”

“What?” my mind shattered. “No! No! No! There’s always time for an epidural,doc!”

Duke took my hand. “It’s going to be okay, baby. I’m with you. I’ll help you through it all. Just breathe.Relax.”

“You relax! I’m about to push two watermelons out of my ass, Duke!” I just couldn’t stop screaming. “This is all your fault! You did this to me! Asshole! Never again, Duke. You’re never touching me again! I’m never having another baby as long as I live!” And I meant it,too.

The next half hour was filled with crying, begging, pleading, and cursing as I pushed out our daughter first, and then our son. And with their tiny cries, and after each one of them wrapped their little hands around my pinky finger, all the anger faded away likemagic.

Duke’s smile lit up my world. “You did it, baby.” He kissed my sweaty forehead. “I’m so proud ofyou.”

I didn’t see how he was proud of me. I’d been a total bitch. I started crying as I looked at my husband who’d been a saint throughout the whole pregnancy. “I love you… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of what I said…you can touch me again…” My sobbing began to stifle mywords.

Duke just laughed and hugged me. “It’s all going to be okay now, Lila. You’ll see. I never took anything you said to heart anyway. One day we’ll have another baby, you’llsee.”

I shook my head. “Oh, no. That part I meant. No more babies forme!”

I’d meant it, too. But only three years later, I found myself yearning for one more kid and went and put myself right back into the position I’d sworn I’d never get into again, pregnant with twinsagain.

We’d found our happily ever after anyway as that pregnancy wasn’t bad at all—mostly because I’d been assured I would get first dibs on the epidural before anyone else when the time came. And I did,too.

The End.